Category Archives: Faith

Aside

A Day Dream …

Last week, I’d been floating on OWENGE clouds.  ImageLittle Warriors literally makes my heart beat differently.  It gives me an electric kind of energy.  Seeing all the children together because of Owen’s story.  Ugh just typing it makes me smile.

Along with all of the Little Warrior preparations, I’ve had a lot of heavy “stuff” on my heart.  Decisions I made years ago were causing me trouble now.  I was doubting everything that I had been confident in.  I was feeling like I went down the wrong path.  I was frustrated with the pain because I had thought I was right – how did it turn out so wrong?

In the midst of all my errand running, in preparation for Saturday, I had a day-dream.  Driving down Hwy 74, in my minivan with Despicable Me in the background, I had a vivid image appear.

I was standing before God, my heavenly Father … he looked a lot like my dad actually.  He placed his hand on the top of my head.  I was looking up at him going on and on …

“God – I thought I was doing what you wanted me to.  I had my doubts.  I didn’t want to do it.  But I prayed – just like you told me I should.  I prayed sooooo hard.  I thought your answer was to follow through.  I thought you wanted me to do this.  But it’s so awful.  And now I’m faced with the decision of un-doing it.  Did I get it wrong back then?  Were you trying to tell me something that I missed? Blessed are those who follow the Lord.  I don’t feel blessed in this decision – what did I miss?  I don’t want to miss your guidance again. Show me what I need to learn so that I will always be on your path …”

He stopped me mid sentence.  Moved his hand from the top of my head to my cheek.  ”Child of mine, I have heard your prayers.  You did exactly what you were supposed to do at that time.  I know just how much you love me.  You are a faithful servant and I love you so much.  You did exactly what you were supposed to do.  It will all work out – it’s part of my plan.  Now go and know that you are loved.”

The weight was lifted … ok honestly?  Not totally, but it did lift just enough to breathe.  The first sense of relief in a long time … I felt relief that God didn’t blame me.  I felt confident in my prayers and how I came to my decision years ago.  God wasn’t disappointed in me.  It wasn’t that I missed something … it’s that this hardship is apart of my path.  I have to go through it.  It wasn’t something that I could have avoided.  This is not a consequence for my disobedience.

It doesn’t make the hardships any less – but I can carry them with a lighter heart.  I am confident that God has not left me and that He will be with me as a travel the next couple of months.

Now I’m wondering what my dad is going to think when he finds out God looked like him in my daydream … haha

Love, Mel

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March 27, 2013 · 8:45 am
February 10, 2013 · 11:07 pm

Joy

I just got back from my monthly Supermom gathering.  I am churning with ideas and deep thoughts.  Our conversation & gathering was based around Proverbs 3:3.

Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart.

My friend, Jessica, planned a glass etching project for us.  We placed stickers on glass jars.  Then lathered on this paste.  It sat for 30-45 mins.  We rinsed it off and removed the stickers.  We were left with beautiful frosted glass luminaries.  I chose to write Love, Joy and Hope on my jars.  Short, simple and so important.

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As I drove home I was thinking about how the glass etching goop worked.  I stuck something to the jars and spread all this caustic paste around it.  It ate away at the glass – leaving it rough and scared.  When I removed the stickers, the glass underneath was smooth and unharmed.

Joy – that word repeated in my head.  What is joy?  How do we find everlasting joy?  What is the difference between joy and happiness?  Here is what I came up with:  Joy outlasts happiness.  Joy means that not matter what is going on around you – no matter how horrible life gets – your heart still beats lightly.  Joy is a deeper sense of stability.  It’s knowing that even when the waves get high, somehow, someway, things will be okay.

What I write on my heart will outlast all of the tidal waves, earthquakes and tornadoes of life.  What lies beneath the stickers will remain untarnished.  The words and morals I etch into my heart will be there at the end.  If I write Joy on my heart – at the end of the day – when the caustic goop has eaten away at all of the other parts of me, when I have nothing left to give, I will still have Joy.  I will still have Love and Hope.

The important part is finding what will make them stick to your heart.  It’s easy to have the best of intentions or even a true desire to have these qualities.  But it will be washed away unless truly impressed on your being.  The book of Deuteronomy tells us how to do this.

6 These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8 Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9 Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates.

Deuteronomy 6:6-9

It’s not a one time thing.  Etching and impressing something on our hearts takes repetition and stamina.  It becomes your way of life.  Joy can’t be found in just one part of life – it’s found in all parts.  It’s found in the moments when you wake up, when you clean up toys off the ground, when you burn dinner.  Joy is in bath time and bedtime stories.  Joy is when you lay down at night.  It becomes who you are – it’s forever etched on your heart.

I’m so thankful for my Supermom’s group.  They teach me so much and inspire me in ways I never knew possible.  I praise God for the time I get to spend with them.  I pray that other moms can find the meaningful connections that they need in their lives.

Love, Mel

 

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February 7, 2013 · 9:29 pm

My Almost-Tweet

While laying with down with Jaden for bed – someone fired up their snow blower.  I laid there, watching the clock and thought to myself “who the heck snowblows at almost 9pm?”  I was cleverly drafting what my sassy Tweet would be … something like “Who snowblows at 9pm on a school night?  Rude or necessary during a snow storm?  #letsdiscuss #Don’tMessWithBedtime”

I came into the family room and caught something between the blinds.  Is someone outside my house?  I took a peek and sure enough, my neighbor was snow blowing MY driveway!  That’s why it was so loud haha!  Gosh – did I feel bad about my sassy almost-tweet.  Doug has been traveling all week and he was trying to do be a HUGE favor.  I’m sure he saw my un-shoveled driveway all week and watched as the triplets and I tried to shovel this morning before the big snow tonight.  Logan kept getting stuck in the snow while trying to ride his bike.  Weston spent more time eating snow and I spent more time making sure he stayed away from the yellow and brown snow than I actually shoveled.  We did manage to get most of it cleared before nap.

What I didn’t realize, while laying down with Jaden, was that it was my driveway that was disturbing the neighborhood.  Someone was blessing me, while I laid and judged them.  Isn’t there something about when you point a finger at someone else, you’ve got three pointing back at you?

It was a gentle reminder to not judge … Have you been caught with your foot in your mouth?  Or judging someone while they were trying to bless you?  Share your story – I’d love to hear them!

Love, Mel

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December 19, 2012 · 11:13 pm

Keeping the Spirit of Christmas Magic Alive

The holiday season is equally filled with the truth of Christ’s birth as well as the story of Santa.  Some would actually argue that it’s more about Santa … I’ve often wondered about what the perfect balance is to keep the Christmas spirit alive … how much effort do you really need to put forth to keep Santa ‘real’ for our little ones?

We’ve adopted the Elf on the Shelf to our holiday traditions this year.  We have had a lot of fun finding Snowball-Owen (Jaden named him) all over the house doing things like hanging from the ceiling fan, on top of the xmas tree, playing with Jaden’s toys and so on.  It’s incredible how easily Jaden believed that this little plastic doll comes to life in the middle of the night to create a little mischief (and of course report to Santa on if he is being naughty or nice).

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If only our own faith is as easy as a child makes it appear to be.  One part of Jaden’s prayer with Isaac (see A Play Date for Jaden) keeps finding it’s way into my daily thoughts.  ”If he [Owen] is ok, will you send me a sign?”

When growing up my sister liked to test the concept of all those imaginary characters we tell children about (the Tooth Fairy, Santa, the Easter Bunny).  She’d leave notes asking if they would leave her just a little something to let her know that they were real.  Just a little sign to know that she could keep believing.  My mom went to great lengths to keep her Christmas magic alive.  She was up until the wee hours of the night painting golden eggs from the Easter Bunny and finding the perfect white fluff from Santa’s coat.  If you ask my mom about it – she will groan and start to say what a pain Rachael was about these things.  But if you get her talking enough – she’ll begin to tell you how she secretly loved it.  She had fun and took delight in fueling the magic.

Here is where I get torn – Jaden is asking for a sign from God.  My first reaction was to find something to leave out for Jaden to show him that God is real.  I want to teach him that God listens to your prayers – He hears you when you reach out to Him.  But isn’t this where faith is supposed to take over?  Believing in something you can’t see?  Wouldn’t I be starting something much larger that could potentially set him up for disappointment and doubt later?  God doesn’t always answer your prayers … Garth Brooks song anyone?  Or at least He doesn’t answer them the way we hope He will or in the timing we want Him to.

I just don’t want the magic to die for him.  I love that he chose to pray when he missed his brother.  It’s something I sometimes forget to do myself.  My mother reminded me that rather than step in – I should sit back and pray about it myself.  Lift Jaden up in prayer that he might receive the reassurance and comfort he needs.  I should cultivate his relationship with God with prayer rather than control.  Perhaps my thought to intervene is proof of my own doubt.  Maybe God has a far better way to reassure him that Owen is in heaven.  As much fun and delight I would have working hard at night, planning something orange for Jaden to wake up to – I’ll kneel instead.  I’ll fold my hands and bow my head.

Dear God, Thank you for blessing me with such a wonderful and faithful boy Jaden.  You know his heart far better than I ever will.  I pray that you will offer him the comfort and reassurance he needs to know that his brother Owen is in heaven with you.  May he feel your love even when he is uncertain.  Let the answers to his questions lead back to you.  Protect him and guide him in places I cannot.  In Jesus’ name, Amen.

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October 22, 2012 · 10:23 pm

A Mix of Emotions

Yesterday was filled with mixed emotions.  When asked if she wanted to go to Disney World or the Justin Bieber concert, a local four-year old girl chose her idol, Justin.  The south-eastern Wisconsin community rallied together to make this little girl’s dreams come true.  They posted to Facebook (Healing Hailey), they wrote about Hailey on their blogs and they tweeted about her … in hopes of getting Justin’s attention so that he would meet her in person.  They weren’t sure if she would get released to go, but everyone fought hard and prayed harder for her.

Yesterday was the big concert day … Yet tragedy struck a local mall … Just miles from the Bradley Center and Children’s Hospital.  There was a mass shooting so close to home in a local spa (Azana).  When I heard the name of the spa on the new I flashed back to last summer – I wanted an orange feather in my hair …. No one had orange feathers in stock.  I heard that Azana had them, so I got my mom to watch the kids and I drove.  I remember getting lost and calling for directions.  I remember walking in … I remember what it looked like.  I remember the heaviness in my chest as I was totally aware of why I was there … To have something that reminded me of my dead son.  They didn’t have orange in stock.  My heart sunk.  Ugh I came so close to having a part of him with me again.  The receptionist was nice, pretty & fashionable.  She had no idea why I was on the hunt for on orange feather.  I thanked the young girl for trying to help me and then I was on my way.

This morning that same salon was filled with people running for their lives and a man who had totally lost control of himself.  Was the same receptionist the one that greeted the shooter with a smile?  I don’t really remember her face well enough to know if she was one of the victims.  The news said it was over domestic dispute.  A restraining order was just put in place.

How many of the women there were enjoying a Sunday morning away from their families – getting a little pampering?  Is no place safe anymore?  After the shooting, they couldn’t find the shooter – so Freodert Hospital, Children’s Hospital & the surrounding stores were all on lockdown.  That meant Hailey might not make it to the Justin Bieber concert – are you kidding me?!?  Some lunatic was going to cost this precious little girl her last wish?

God came through and the lock down was released in time for Hailey to make it to the concert AND meet Justin Bieber in person!  In the midst of the terrible, horrible, disgusting event – a little girl’s dream came true.  Hard to comprehend how the same God would allow something so beautiful for Hailey and something so horrific for those who were in the same city at a nearby salon.

This contradiction of nightmares and miracles ring true for my story I guess – an innocent 6 month old baby boy – perfect in every way – dies with no explanation.  But just one state over, a little girl’s life was just beginning – her parents prayers and pleas were answered.  True joy and true sorrow all mixed up in the same story.  A heart transplant.  A liver transplant.  Joy vs. Loss.  So beautiful yet impossible to understand.

God bless Hailey.  Thank you, Justin Bieber, for being part of a miracle on Sunday.  May the victims of the Azana shooting be comforted by the peace of God.  For all the mothers who have lost a child – may you find beauty the face of tragedy.

Love, Mel

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October 11, 2012 · 9:05 pm

Worry

I’m reading a book and it was talking about how we shouldn’t worry.  ”Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Philippians 4:6  In fact, the author goes as far as saying that worrying is actually disobedience   Telling a mom that she shouldn’t worry is like telling a dog not to wag it’s tail!  What is she nuts?!?!

Then the author goes on to say that worrying is really a lack of faith.  I started to think…  If I was being honest with myself, I wouldn’t worry if I was certain of what was going to come.  It’s when I am unsure of the outcome that I worry.  But when I have faith – even when I don’t know the outcome I have nothing to worry about.  Having faith means I am certain that even when I can’t see, I know someone is out there – even when I am uncertain, I know things will be ok.

I worry about Jaden making friends at school.  I worry about people accepting him because of his allergies and his red/blotchy/hive ridden skin.  I worry about Jaden being able to pay attention enough in school because he is so itchy all of the time.  I worry about the triplets not talking yet, or when they throw temper tantrums.  I don’t want them to grow up to be hot heads.

I worry about my friends who are going through hard times – is this friend eating enough, is this friend sleeping enough.  It sounds so stupid, but I do worry.  I don’t feel like I’m being disobedient.  I feel like I’m being a normal mom and caring friend.  Am I really being “bad”?  Perhaps it’s not the feeling that you get that’s wrong – but rather what you do with your uncontrollable worry that really matters.  Like I said, when you are a mom, I am convinced that it’s impossible not to worry.

When worry is on your heart, what do you do with it?  Where do you go when you are unsure of what is to come?  Do you try to control the situation to ensure an outcome you find acceptable?  Do you pray about it?  Telling God about what is going on and then have faith that He will take care of it?  I think as moms, all we can do is turn it over to God.  How could I possibly control how Jaden makes friends?  I mean … without totally embarrassing him!

My sister and I talking and I realized that I am really good at loving my kids, but I’m not always good at teaching my kids things.  Like the alphabet and stuff – I sometimes just don’t know what to do or how to incorporate it into our daily conversation.  In addition to praying about my worries – I think I also need to pray about my shortcomings as a mother.  Pray for God to teach me how to be a better mom – to use me as a vesicle to teach my kids the lessons they need in life.

That’s the best way I know how to handle worry?  Pray about everything without ceasing.  Pray while you are driving your kids to their activities.  Pray for your kid’s day while they eat breakfast.  Be in conversation with God always – he’s with you always, so it’s not like you have to make an appointment.  He’s with you every step of your day – might as well acknowledge him and ask him for help.  Right?

Love, Mel

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October 8, 2012 · 3:06 pm

Brenda’s Story – Women of Faith Conference 2012

Yesterday I attended the second day of the Women of Faith conference.  It was better than the first night.  One speaker spoke louder to me than the others – Brenda Warner.  Her story is similar to mine in many ways.  Her 4 month old son stopped breathing and she walked the same path as I did … wondering if her baby would wake up again.  Later she would find out that her (then) husband had dropped him on his head while giving him a bath.  Her son did recover – but not fully.  He still has severe brain damage which has left him with many handicaps in life.  I saw what Owen’s face could have been.  I saw a wonderfully loving and funny young man … someone who Owen could have grown up to be had he woke up.

I thought back to those nights in the hospital.  When, at night by his bedside – holding his cold little baby hand, I didn’t pray for Owen to come back to me, but rather, I prayed for God’s will to be done.  I whispered into Owen’s ear when Doug was asleep that if Owen didn’t want to come back to his broken body, I would be ok.  I would understand.  I didn’t want him to come back to me just because he thought I would be broken if he left.  I didn’t want him living in a body that was more of a prison cell to him.  See, I knew that he would have brain damage.  I had been unresponsive for over an hour.  I knew that if he came back he wouldn’t be the same boy that was laid in his crib for bed on May 21, 2011.  He would be different – his body would fail him in many ways.

BUT if he wanted to come back – if he wasn’t ready to leave this world, I would take care of him – I would love and help him through life.  As a mother, I didn’t know what was best – him to be alive or him to be in heaven.  I didn’t know if my prayers for him to wake up were selfish or if they were what God wanted.  I didn’t know so I prayed for the strength to let God’s will be done.  I prayed that Owen would feel my love even as he was in a coma.  I prayed that if Owen had a choice he would know how much I loved him – I loved him so much that I just wanted him to be content – I didn’t want him to worry about me and what I wanted.  This was his choice – his life.  He was only 6 months old – yet, I knew as a mother, I couldn’t ask him to come back if it meant he would be unhappy.

I don’t know what Brenda prayed those days – but I do know that she did answer God’s call and while her whole life was turned upside down a few times more … she continued to serve the Lord and to love her children.  Her son was at the conference – I looked at his handsome face and thought about Owen.  He looked so happy to be on stage, he looked so loved by his mother.  I couldn’t help but imagine what Owen would be like – how my life would have been different – what I would be doing on a ‘regular’ day if he were still here.  I even found parts of me that rejoiced that Owen was in heaven.  I have no doubt that Owen only knows pure joy each and every day.  I know he is not in pain.  I know he is not sad.  In the face of grief and pain and longing to hold one of my children, I rejoice knowing that Owen is in the best place possible – with his Father in Heaven.  And for that alone I can celebrate.

Love, Mel

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October 5, 2012 · 10:35 pm

First night of women of faith conference

Tonight was great. Our seats are amazing! Ground floor, row N. The opening music was great. I knew most of them and could sing along. To be honest, I wasn’t a real fan of the first speaker … Too much singing and not enough meat to her talk. But the second speaker had me laughing a ton. You could just feel his energy and how excited he was to be talking to us. This was by far my favorite story from the evening … You can watch a video of Andy Andrews telling the story here: http://www.andyandrews.com/pages/speaking/women-of-faith/

Tomorrow is full day of speakers and more music. I’m looking forward to the messages and the opportunities of being changed. I’ll be ending the day with a marching band competition too! (My little brother is a senior in his marching band … And since I used to march I really love going to his performances). It’s going to be a great day tomorrow!

Love, Mel

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· 11:28 am

Women of Faith Conference

I’m attending the Women of Faith Conference this weekend … my first time ever.  I’m going with a good friend of mine who went last year and a new face from church.  I was really on the fence of whether or not to go for a long time.  It was a lot of money for the tickets and it was a lot of time away from home in one weekend.  Then, I’m not really sure why, but I found myself saying ‘yes’ and handing over my ticket money.  It hasn’t been easy clearing my schedule for this weekend.  Doug wanted to go and see his brother which meant he wouldn’t be able to watch the kids while I was gone.  Knowing that I was going to be gone a lot, I tried to get everything organized so that he could still do what he wanted to this weekend.  I just asked him to give me a time so I could make other arrangements for the kids.  Just when I thought everything was all set to go – yesterday Doug dropped the bomb that he didn’t want to pay a sitter because he doesn’t feel like it would fit in this month’s family budget.  I’m left feeling frustrated and like I just shouldn’t go to the conference.  I would just be easier for everyone if I just stayed home.  Doug could go see his brother and I’d have a chance to catch up on my housework.

I’m feeling really guilty for thinking about being gone from the boys that long … it’s two full days.  And it’s all about “mom” time.  There are house projects I could be doing or activities I could do with the kids.  I know that when I get home, the laundry is going to be behind and the dishes will need to be washed.  But as strong as the feeling to stay home is, there is another force telling me I should just go.

I need to do some soul searching and faith discovery.  I’ve had a ton on my mind lately – just everything piling up all at once (of course).  I’ve found myself re-evaluating the things in my life and how and where I spend my time.  I know I need to re-center myself.  Base my time on where my priorities are – rather than letting the un-important stuff take control.

So which voice to I listen to?  My desire to learn about myself and grow in my faith?  Or the voice of responsibility that worries about my family?  How do you choose?  Following my desire to learn seems selfish.  Yet following the voice of responsibility seems like I’m denying the Lord’s whisper to get to know Him more.  How do we, as mothers, balance our own learning with the needs of our children?  So much of our being is giving – doing things for others – washing other’s clothes – packing everyone else’s lunches only to forget to eat yourself.  It feels almost unatural to take time for myself.  Then when you do take time for yourself, how do you not go overboard or feel over deserving of your time out of the house?

Here I sit only 6 hours before the conference starts.  I’m going.  I’ve got my purse packed with just the bare essentials.  I’ve got the directions printed out and have made my plans on how to get my ticket from my friends who are going down town earlier than I am.  Lord, I have no idea where you are leading me – but I will follow.  I pray that I am open to hear your direction and guidance.  I ask for help on knowing what to let go and what to pursue.  I just want to please you – in all that I do and every choice that I make.  I lay all that I have at your feet and I trust in you Lord.  Lead me and I will follow …

Love, Mel

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October 2, 2012 · 8:57 pm

I Am Broken

I’ve been reading the book of Mark this past week for my church small group study.  The devotional method we are supposed to be using is called the “Picture It” method.  Basically you picture what it would have been like to be each character in the story.  So for the story of Jesus healing the paralyzed man who was lowered into the room by his friends – imagine what it would have been like for the man on the mat.  Picture what it would have been like to be the friends who lowered him down.  Or to be in the crowd watching the whole thing unfold.

Every time I try to think about who I relate to the most in these stories – I can’t help feeling like the one who needs to be healed.  On my knees begging for Jesus to give me a miracle – to make me whole again.  I’m not ashamed to say that I’m broken – to say that I don’t know where to turn some days.  The confusion is paralyzing and the strength isn’t there when I need it.

At church on Sunday, we read this verse:

He said to me, “My grace is enough for you, because power is made perfect in weakness.” So I’ll gladly spend my time bragging about my weaknesses so that Christ’s power can rest on me.  2 Corinthians 12:9

It’s ok to be weak because it’s those cracks that God’s power is able to work.  I need to be broken so that God can use me to do His will.  It’s just like when Owen was in the hospital.  My strength and blog posts didn’t come from me – God used my brokenness to show His power.  How else would 150,000 people come together, from all over the world, to read the same story on the same day?  That’s power.  100′s of people come to a church all dressed in orange – I saw a sea of power when I looked out over the filled seats and people standing in the back.  The cracks filled with God’s love and strength.

While I am brutally reminded of just how broken I am – I am also reminded that it is through the same weakness that God can make me perfect again.  Be honest and truthful about your weaknesses.  Speak of them with your friends.  Pray about them.  Bring them to the feet of the One who has power.  Do not be ashamed – God loves you just the way you are.

Love, Mel

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