Category Archives: Grief

May 21, 2013 · 9:27 pm

2 Years Ago Today …

Today marks two years since I last saw Owen alive, since he drank his last bottle, smiled his last smile and took his last breath on his own.  Today is almost more significant to me than his official death date (May 26).  Perhaps it’s because today is when everything changed.  Today was the day everything was flipped upside down and inside out.  My “perfect” family of 6 was changed in a very big and un-fixable way.

This is also a time when I think about the EMTs and firemen that invaded my home.  Their faces are on my heart and their jobs are in my prayers.  Last year I brought the fire station a meal as a way to honor them and to say thank you for all that they did.  This year I decided to do the same.  So yesterday we brought the fire house that responded to my 911 call a meal.  We spent over an hour with the station – the boys got to sit in all of the fire trucks and ambulances.  And when I say all – I mean every last vehicle in that garage!

Last year I was a little disappointed to find that the man who gave Owen CPR wasn’t able to attend the meal.  They explained to me that he had a class to be in.  I couldn’t picture his face.  I could see him on his knees in the nursery, I could see his hands on Owen’s chest, but I couldn’t remember his face. When I looked around the room this year, I recognized him immediately.

I spoke with him for a bit towards the end of the visit.  He apologized for not being able to save Owen and said that he still feels like there was more he could have done.  I was surprised to hear that he felt that way.  I have always been so eternally thankful to him – I have never blamed him, wondered if he could have done more or even wished he would have done something different.  I knew he had done his best.  He was my hero in all of this – he revived Owen’s heart so that he could be an organ donor.  Without him my journey would have ended on May 21, 2011.  Owen would have passed away silently as so many other infants to.  But Owen was given a chance to tell his story.  My family was given five beautiful days in the hospital – sitting around Owen’s bed, all piled on top of each other, laughing and crying and saying good-bye to our beautiful baby boy.  This EMT gave this gift to me.  It’s been the only part of this journey that gives me peace and healing – two little girls lived through the death of my baby boy.  I lost so that others could win.  If Owen’s heart had not been revived, he would have only been able to donate his heart valves – that’s it.  This blog wouldn’t exist.  I wouldn’t have found my love for writing.  Being about to speak about my faith so openly wouldn’t happen.  This entire journey would have ended in one night.

I wanted to find the words that would let him see into my soul and see what I saw in that night.  I wanted him to know, with certainly, how thankful I am.  It was by far the most painful experience of my life – but I’ve also be so richly blessed through it.  Isn’t there a bible verse about “blessed are those who grieve for they are comforted”?

I am surprised by the emotions that still sneak up on me.  My mom came over today on a whim, just to keep me company.  I didn’t know I needed company, but her being there made me feel better.  I continue to be thankful for all the prayers my family and I received during Owen’s hospital stay and continue to receive.  You are what made my story start to feel like it was serving a bigger purpose.  Thank you.

Owen – mom still loves you.  I always will.  We speak your name in our home.  We pray for you at night.  Your brothers will grow up knowing about you.  Chunky Monkey.  Buddha.  Oh-Dee-Doe-Dee.  Owen.

Love, Mel

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Aside

A Day Dream …

Last week, I’d been floating on OWENGE clouds.  ImageLittle Warriors literally makes my heart beat differently.  It gives me an electric kind of energy.  Seeing all the children together because of Owen’s story.  Ugh just typing it makes me smile.

Along with all of the Little Warrior preparations, I’ve had a lot of heavy “stuff” on my heart.  Decisions I made years ago were causing me trouble now.  I was doubting everything that I had been confident in.  I was feeling like I went down the wrong path.  I was frustrated with the pain because I had thought I was right – how did it turn out so wrong?

In the midst of all my errand running, in preparation for Saturday, I had a day-dream.  Driving down Hwy 74, in my minivan with Despicable Me in the background, I had a vivid image appear.

I was standing before God, my heavenly Father … he looked a lot like my dad actually.  He placed his hand on the top of my head.  I was looking up at him going on and on …

“God – I thought I was doing what you wanted me to.  I had my doubts.  I didn’t want to do it.  But I prayed – just like you told me I should.  I prayed sooooo hard.  I thought your answer was to follow through.  I thought you wanted me to do this.  But it’s so awful.  And now I’m faced with the decision of un-doing it.  Did I get it wrong back then?  Were you trying to tell me something that I missed? Blessed are those who follow the Lord.  I don’t feel blessed in this decision – what did I miss?  I don’t want to miss your guidance again. Show me what I need to learn so that I will always be on your path …”

He stopped me mid sentence.  Moved his hand from the top of my head to my cheek.  ”Child of mine, I have heard your prayers.  You did exactly what you were supposed to do at that time.  I know just how much you love me.  You are a faithful servant and I love you so much.  You did exactly what you were supposed to do.  It will all work out – it’s part of my plan.  Now go and know that you are loved.”

The weight was lifted … ok honestly?  Not totally, but it did lift just enough to breathe.  The first sense of relief in a long time … I felt relief that God didn’t blame me.  I felt confident in my prayers and how I came to my decision years ago.  God wasn’t disappointed in me.  It wasn’t that I missed something … it’s that this hardship is apart of my path.  I have to go through it.  It wasn’t something that I could have avoided.  This is not a consequence for my disobedience.

It doesn’t make the hardships any less – but I can carry them with a lighter heart.  I am confident that God has not left me and that He will be with me as a travel the next couple of months.

Now I’m wondering what my dad is going to think when he finds out God looked like him in my daydream … haha

Love, Mel

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March 27, 2013 · 8:45 am
March 16, 2013 · 10:53 pm

Jaden’s Family Portrait

I knew it would happen some day … I just didn’t think it would happen so soon. Jaden made a wonderful drawing of our family … Without Owen in it.

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Let me first point out that 1+4=5 :) haha I wasn’t mad that Owen wasn’t on the drawing but it made me sad. I know Jaden, nor anyone else, has forgotten Owen. It’s normal, natural and healthy to move on. The painful truth is that we only have 5 people living in our house.

It was the first family portrait of only 5 … And I know it won’t be the last. And that’s ok. They just won’t ever look “right” to me. They will always look like they are hiding something. Even though the picture might now show it … We are always a family of 6 and I have 4 children.

Love, Mel

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November 15, 2012 · 7:57 am

WEAR BLUE TODAY!

Today is National Children’s Grief Awareness Day.  Two years ago I wouldn’t have had a clue what it was about, nor would I have really paid attention.  But it hits home now … there are children in your community who are grieving the loss of a loved one.  Some from death, others from divorce or incarceration.  While each child’s situation might be very different, but the emotions of grief are similar.

Wear blue today to help spread awareness that children grieve too – they need your support!

If you are on facebook – you can post a picture of you or your family wearing blue on the Children’t Grief Awareness Day facebook page – you can also post a picture to the Healing Hearts of Waukesha County facebook page.

Love, Mel

More information about children’t grief support in Waukesha County (Wisconsin) visit:  www.healingheartsofwaukeshaco.org

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October 22, 2012 · 10:23 pm

A Mix of Emotions

Yesterday was filled with mixed emotions.  When asked if she wanted to go to Disney World or the Justin Bieber concert, a local four-year old girl chose her idol, Justin.  The south-eastern Wisconsin community rallied together to make this little girl’s dreams come true.  They posted to Facebook (Healing Hailey), they wrote about Hailey on their blogs and they tweeted about her … in hopes of getting Justin’s attention so that he would meet her in person.  They weren’t sure if she would get released to go, but everyone fought hard and prayed harder for her.

Yesterday was the big concert day … Yet tragedy struck a local mall … Just miles from the Bradley Center and Children’s Hospital.  There was a mass shooting so close to home in a local spa (Azana).  When I heard the name of the spa on the new I flashed back to last summer – I wanted an orange feather in my hair …. No one had orange feathers in stock.  I heard that Azana had them, so I got my mom to watch the kids and I drove.  I remember getting lost and calling for directions.  I remember walking in … I remember what it looked like.  I remember the heaviness in my chest as I was totally aware of why I was there … To have something that reminded me of my dead son.  They didn’t have orange in stock.  My heart sunk.  Ugh I came so close to having a part of him with me again.  The receptionist was nice, pretty & fashionable.  She had no idea why I was on the hunt for on orange feather.  I thanked the young girl for trying to help me and then I was on my way.

This morning that same salon was filled with people running for their lives and a man who had totally lost control of himself.  Was the same receptionist the one that greeted the shooter with a smile?  I don’t really remember her face well enough to know if she was one of the victims.  The news said it was over domestic dispute.  A restraining order was just put in place.

How many of the women there were enjoying a Sunday morning away from their families – getting a little pampering?  Is no place safe anymore?  After the shooting, they couldn’t find the shooter – so Freodert Hospital, Children’s Hospital & the surrounding stores were all on lockdown.  That meant Hailey might not make it to the Justin Bieber concert – are you kidding me?!?  Some lunatic was going to cost this precious little girl her last wish?

God came through and the lock down was released in time for Hailey to make it to the concert AND meet Justin Bieber in person!  In the midst of the terrible, horrible, disgusting event – a little girl’s dream came true.  Hard to comprehend how the same God would allow something so beautiful for Hailey and something so horrific for those who were in the same city at a nearby salon.

This contradiction of nightmares and miracles ring true for my story I guess – an innocent 6 month old baby boy – perfect in every way – dies with no explanation.  But just one state over, a little girl’s life was just beginning – her parents prayers and pleas were answered.  True joy and true sorrow all mixed up in the same story.  A heart transplant.  A liver transplant.  Joy vs. Loss.  So beautiful yet impossible to understand.

God bless Hailey.  Thank you, Justin Bieber, for being part of a miracle on Sunday.  May the victims of the Azana shooting be comforted by the peace of God.  For all the mothers who have lost a child – may you find beauty the face of tragedy.

Love, Mel

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August 12, 2012 · 11:26 pm

Owen’s Medal of Honor

When we pulled up to the Governor’s mansion my mom instinct to get all the kids out and across the street kicked in.  I found myself dazed on the driveway – putting on my name badge, posing for a group photo in front of a beautiful fountain.  Then I knew I needed to find a restroom before the ceremony started – the Diet Mountain Dew I had on the car ride was kicking in.  The line was so long that by the time it was my turn it was time to find our seats.  I grabbed a cookie on my way to the back of the tent, where my family was already seated and waiting for me.

It wasn’t until the ceremony started that they announced that Gov. Walker wouldn’t be attending.  I’m not going to lie, I was peeved.  Our time to honor Owen had already been postponed a year and now we weren’t even going to have the medal presented by who was promised?  I’m not sure if those of you who do not live in WI have heard on the news, but there was a mass shooting in a Sikh temple in a Milwaukee suburb (Oak Creek).  We were told that Gov. Walker was “spending time with the families effected by the shooting.”  Now, I’m just going to be brutally honest – I was hurt by that.  The shooting was DEVASTATING, HORRIFIC and TERRIBLE … but the Donor Network ceremony was honoring 209 families who have lost their loved ones.  There were 6 deaths in the Sikh temple shooting.  Didn’t really seem like he chose how he could reach the most people – he rather went to where the news cameras would be.  The terrible and bitter thought of  ”just because my son’s death didn’t make national news, means that he’s not worth Gov Walker’s time.”  It was a horrible thought and it felt even more horrible.  I was a little ticked that he was not going to be there.  Let me also end by saying, I am actually a Scott Walker fan and am not looking to start any kind of political debate.  I simply felt like it was just a political move … and I can’t stand politics.

That being said – the ceremony was really something special.  The instrumental music that played while each loved one’s name was announced was perfect.  The weather was beautiful and the view of the water was calming.

We were third in line to receive Owen’s medal.  I carried Weston, Doug had Logan and Jaden walked proudly between us.

As we paused to wait for our time to walk, I looked up and felt the wind get knocked out of my chest.  I flashed back to the funeral – where the musical was playing, and I was standing at the back of the church looking at a sea people.  I looked down the aisle and just focused on Rebecca Kleefisch (Lt Governor of WI) just as I had focused on the large picture of Owen at the altar.  The only thing I could do was breath and put one foot in front of the other.

 

(love this picture because it shows the craziness of what our family is really like)

 

We received Owen’s medal with honor.  We received a heart felt thanks for Owen’s gift.  Logan and Weston were especially loved.  Then we made our way back to our seats.  I realized just how my grief had been replaced with joy in so many ways.  I had not felt the heart stabbing pain in so long.  Perhaps it’s because I turned it all over to the Lord from the very beginning.  Perhaps it’s because I have two boys who have replaced my pain with smiles.  I am so busy loving Logan, Weston and Jaden.  It does NOT mean that I don’t love Owen.  It just means that I gave myself permission to be happy.  I have allowed myself to love what I still have.

As Logan and Weston grow, I have come to know each of them individually.  They have started to show their personalities and preferences.  This is a part of Owen I never knew – he was too young.  I know he was much calmer than his brothers, but even that is different between Logan and Weston now.  I remember the nights that Logan just WOULD NOT SHUT UP!  And now he is the calmest and cuddliest of the two.  Who knows what Owen would have been like.  I can spend hours hypothesizing and guessing how he would have played into the mix.  But it would have been just that – a guess.  I feel like I’m grieving someone I hardly knew.  A personality I never met or saw.  It’s hard to imagine what my life would be like if he were still here.  There really isn’t a huge gaping hole anymore.  The boys have outgrown all of the clothes I had in sets of three – their drawers are filled with blue and green.

The pain and awkwardness is still there every time I call them triplets to a stranger and they look at me puzzled and ask where the third one is.  Then I think “crap, I’ve got to go there again.”  But the thing is they ARE TRIPLETS!  I don’t know that I’d ever be able to call them anything else.  I just hate having to explain my story over and over when it’s become an intrinsic part of me.  I just want to be able to introduce my children without a sad story that goes along with it.

As I sat in my chair, I noticed the photos some families were carrying up with them.  A few rows up a father carried a photo of (who I assume to be) his daughter – maybe 9 or 10 with beautiful long red hair.  It felt like she was looking right at me.  I could imagine what a joy she must have been to have around.  Her family must still feel her loss in the family.  Her smile and personality had already made an impression on me, surely in ten years she was a huge part of her own family.  I found myself wondering how she died.  Was it illness? Or a sudden accident?  It felt rude to walk up to these strangers and ask them such personal questions.  So instead I said a prayer for her family.  I prayed that they would feel the comfort of my thoughts.  I prayed for their beautiful daughter who was the hero to someone else.  I confessed that I was thankful my child was taken from me so early – only having 6 months to grieve seemed like the long stick when compared to ten years.  I know it’s like comparing apples to oranges, but I find myself thinking this more and more.  I thanked the Lord for giving me Weston and Logan – so that I had something to love in his place.  When I miss Owen, I hug one of the other triplets a little tighter.  I sing Owen’s bed time lullaby to the other boys.  Perhaps that’s why the hole doesn’t seem so empty.  Maybe I just filled it with loving the other boys more – simply because they are here with me.  Not because I love Owen any less.  I think it feels like I don’t miss Owen as much because it’s become natural to use my love for Owen on the other boys.

When we get home from vacation, I’ll find the perfect place to display Owen’s medal.  It was a beautiful ceremony and will be remembered always by myself and my family.

Love, Mel

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August 10, 2012 · 2:35 pm

Honoring Owen Today

I am in the car on the way to Madison. Technology is pretty amazing that I can sit here and type while flying down I-94. I remember when our donor coordinator telling us about this ceremony. There were times when I never thought I would get through the days to even make it here. Yet here we are. Healthy, almost happy and blessed.

The ceremony takes place in the Governor of Wisconsin’s Madison residence. Mr Walker and his wife open their doors to all the families of organ donors. We will sit in a sea of grieving family members. Some loved ones might be children, parents, aunts or siblings. But each of them has their own story to tell, their own legacy to leave behind.

I feel flooded with emotion. The days leading up to this morning I says filled with excitement and anticipation. I was looking forward to having an “Owen Day.” I could feel the tears building up … Saving up for the right moment. I prayed that I would feel Owen close to me, even for just a brief moment. I know that he is “always with me” but I can’t remember the last time I honestly felt him. The strong surge that makes my heart skip just a little bit and leaves the strong assurance that Owen was in my arms. Perhaps I’ll feel it today on the lack lawn of the residence, or maybe I’ll feel it while standing in line for the restroom or maybe not at all. I know that Owen would be honored and proud to be recognized. He has his father’s blood in him and Doug takes great pride in these sorts of things.

Somethings don’t ever change … I’m consumed with emotion and I grab my iPad to start journaling. I find myself being thankful that I have a way to sort through all the things that I feel or have trouble with.

I hold Owen’s angel sisters close to my heart today. They are just as much of his story as anyone else is or this blog is. Josie and the little unnamed girl will received his liver receive this medal with Owen. I should reach out to the unnamed girl. Maybe she doesn’t care to know us anymore since it isn’t Owens liver she carries anymore. But I guess I just want her to know that she is loved by me and my family. She should know just how many people pray for her.

We just pulled up. Time to celebrate my son.

Love, Mel

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June 1, 2012 · 8:08 pm

Please say his name

This time last year Owen’s funeral would be over.  Everyone has left the church.  Owen’s body back at the funeral home, awaiting cremation.  I would have been headed over to the Delafield Brew House for dinner.  My family was already there waiting for us.

So many new emotions this June 1st.  The boys and I had an outing to the Dollar Store then we headed to my brother’s baseball game.  It was a light-hearted day.

Funny how one anniversary can have so many days of significance.  May 21 – the day he stopped breathing.  May 26 – the day he was declared brain dead.  May 27 – the day he gave his heart and liver to two little girls.  Now the day that we celebrated his life – June 1.

People act like the day has come and gone.  May 26.  Six days ago.  But the anniversary drags on just like the entire ordeal did last year.  I am still reenacting each memory, play by play.  It doesn’t help that my anti-depressant meds weren’t refilled in time.  I’ve been without them for three days.  I makes me feel all out of sorts.  Heck, I was catching up on Sister Wives and found myself feeling like I wanted to cry because the love they have for each other was so beautiful.  Thank goodness they came in the mail today!  I should be back to “normal” in a few days.

The one thing that I have learned is that omission hurts worst then the truth.  Saying his name is comforting.  Pretending like my son didn’t just die cuts me to the core.  It forces me to pretend to be someone else.  It hangs in the air over any other conversation we are having.  I find it hard to concentrate on what you are saying because all I can hear is the little voice saying  ”Doesn’t she know?  Has she forgotten?  Or is it that she just doesn’t want to say anything?  How can she sit here and complain about her hard day at the office, while I cared for two 18 month olds while battling the flash backs of giving CPR and laying the paul over my son’s casket?”

Ask me how I’m doing.  Remember to say his name.  Acknowledge that Owen died this time last year.  I promise not to get all wishy washy.  I promise I won’t bring down the mood of the conversation.  I just want to know that you remember.  You ask me how my other kids are doing … just let me know that you still see me as a mother of four.  Because that’s who I am.

Love, Mel

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May 27, 2012 · 12:34 am

I am a survivor!

I survived. I made it through the day. I was disappointed this afternoon when no one seemed to want to talk about Owen. Everyone seemed to be enjoying a normal day. We just happened to all be wearing orange.

We watched the video from Owens funeral. Some of us cried. The photos where all three boys are together were the hardest. It was blinding how there is one missing. Logan kept making me smile and laugh as he kept spinning himself round and round until he would fall over. I wanted the time to be sad … But it was ok to laugh too. I felt like he was trying to cheer me up or something. Its more likely because he is just a ham.

After the video most people left. It was around 9pm. Those of us who were left wanted to do a bonfire. So we moved the party out to our house so we could put the babies to sleep in their own beds.

It was a perfect ending to the night. The sky was clear and I felt Owen looking down on us through the stars. We spoke his name. We recounted the events the night he got sick and the days following. I had never heard what really happened at the house after I left in the ambulance. It was seriously one of the greatest gifts. I needed to hear his name. I needed to go through the details again. Recounting what happened and what we were feeling. We all didn’t have the puzzle pieces yet. We knew most of it but there were small holes.

Time is invaluable. You cannot put a price on something like this evening. The gift and peace I received will be cherished, I will remember Owens first angel day but the conversation and laughs I shared at the bonfire tonight. Thank you Rachael, Sarah and Abby. You keep me going just when I think I can’t go any farther. Love you girls!

Love, Mel

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May 26, 2012 · 4:23 pm

Owen silence

So many things are the same as last year and so much is different. I’m still blogging on an iPad. My family it’s all together. We are all wearing our orange. There is tons of good food everywhere.

But no one wants to speak his name. “I don’t want to cry yet.”. “can’t we do that part later?”. “i just want to enjoy myself” I want to cry. I want to work out this lump in my chest. I want the mood to feel somber because that’s how I feel.

Everyone is playing yard games … It’s exactly what I asked for. We are laughing and poking fun at one another. The kids are being loved up. I don’t even know what I would say.

We are going to play the video we played at Owen’s funeral. I hope that will break the Owen silence. I know I could just say something, but I don’t know what I would say. I don’t really know what I want to talk about to bring it up myself. I guess I wish he was still in the middle of the room. We can’t recreate that week. It’s just impossible. But it’s all I really want. I guess grief is the feeling when you realize you will never have your wish come true.

Love, Mel

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