Category Archives: Owen’s Gone

May 21, 2013 · 9:27 pm

2 Years Ago Today …

Today marks two years since I last saw Owen alive, since he drank his last bottle, smiled his last smile and took his last breath on his own.  Today is almost more significant to me than his official death date (May 26).  Perhaps it’s because today is when everything changed.  Today was the day everything was flipped upside down and inside out.  My “perfect” family of 6 was changed in a very big and un-fixable way.

This is also a time when I think about the EMTs and firemen that invaded my home.  Their faces are on my heart and their jobs are in my prayers.  Last year I brought the fire station a meal as a way to honor them and to say thank you for all that they did.  This year I decided to do the same.  So yesterday we brought the fire house that responded to my 911 call a meal.  We spent over an hour with the station – the boys got to sit in all of the fire trucks and ambulances.  And when I say all – I mean every last vehicle in that garage!

Last year I was a little disappointed to find that the man who gave Owen CPR wasn’t able to attend the meal.  They explained to me that he had a class to be in.  I couldn’t picture his face.  I could see him on his knees in the nursery, I could see his hands on Owen’s chest, but I couldn’t remember his face. When I looked around the room this year, I recognized him immediately.

I spoke with him for a bit towards the end of the visit.  He apologized for not being able to save Owen and said that he still feels like there was more he could have done.  I was surprised to hear that he felt that way.  I have always been so eternally thankful to him – I have never blamed him, wondered if he could have done more or even wished he would have done something different.  I knew he had done his best.  He was my hero in all of this – he revived Owen’s heart so that he could be an organ donor.  Without him my journey would have ended on May 21, 2011.  Owen would have passed away silently as so many other infants to.  But Owen was given a chance to tell his story.  My family was given five beautiful days in the hospital – sitting around Owen’s bed, all piled on top of each other, laughing and crying and saying good-bye to our beautiful baby boy.  This EMT gave this gift to me.  It’s been the only part of this journey that gives me peace and healing – two little girls lived through the death of my baby boy.  I lost so that others could win.  If Owen’s heart had not been revived, he would have only been able to donate his heart valves – that’s it.  This blog wouldn’t exist.  I wouldn’t have found my love for writing.  Being about to speak about my faith so openly wouldn’t happen.  This entire journey would have ended in one night.

I wanted to find the words that would let him see into my soul and see what I saw in that night.  I wanted him to know, with certainly, how thankful I am.  It was by far the most painful experience of my life – but I’ve also be so richly blessed through it.  Isn’t there a bible verse about “blessed are those who grieve for they are comforted”?

I am surprised by the emotions that still sneak up on me.  My mom came over today on a whim, just to keep me company.  I didn’t know I needed company, but her being there made me feel better.  I continue to be thankful for all the prayers my family and I received during Owen’s hospital stay and continue to receive.  You are what made my story start to feel like it was serving a bigger purpose.  Thank you.

Owen – mom still loves you.  I always will.  We speak your name in our home.  We pray for you at night.  Your brothers will grow up knowing about you.  Chunky Monkey.  Buddha.  Oh-Dee-Doe-Dee.  Owen.

Love, Mel

7 Comments

Filed under Grief, Owen's Gone

Tagged as , , , , ,

March 16, 2013 · 10:53 pm

Jaden’s Family Portrait

I knew it would happen some day … I just didn’t think it would happen so soon. Jaden made a wonderful drawing of our family … Without Owen in it.

20130317-000414.jpg

20130316-235520.jpg

20130316-235530.jpg

20130317-000606.jpg

Let me first point out that 1+4=5 :) haha I wasn’t mad that Owen wasn’t on the drawing but it made me sad. I know Jaden, nor anyone else, has forgotten Owen. It’s normal, natural and healthy to move on. The painful truth is that we only have 5 people living in our house.

It was the first family portrait of only 5 … And I know it won’t be the last. And that’s ok. They just won’t ever look “right” to me. They will always look like they are hiding something. Even though the picture might now show it … We are always a family of 6 and I have 4 children.

Love, Mel

1 Comment

Filed under Grief, Jaden Story, Owen's Gone, Posted by Melissa

October 8, 2012 · 3:06 pm

Brenda’s Story – Women of Faith Conference 2012

Yesterday I attended the second day of the Women of Faith conference.  It was better than the first night.  One speaker spoke louder to me than the others – Brenda Warner.  Her story is similar to mine in many ways.  Her 4 month old son stopped breathing and she walked the same path as I did … wondering if her baby would wake up again.  Later she would find out that her (then) husband had dropped him on his head while giving him a bath.  Her son did recover – but not fully.  He still has severe brain damage which has left him with many handicaps in life.  I saw what Owen’s face could have been.  I saw a wonderfully loving and funny young man … someone who Owen could have grown up to be had he woke up.

I thought back to those nights in the hospital.  When, at night by his bedside – holding his cold little baby hand, I didn’t pray for Owen to come back to me, but rather, I prayed for God’s will to be done.  I whispered into Owen’s ear when Doug was asleep that if Owen didn’t want to come back to his broken body, I would be ok.  I would understand.  I didn’t want him to come back to me just because he thought I would be broken if he left.  I didn’t want him living in a body that was more of a prison cell to him.  See, I knew that he would have brain damage.  I had been unresponsive for over an hour.  I knew that if he came back he wouldn’t be the same boy that was laid in his crib for bed on May 21, 2011.  He would be different – his body would fail him in many ways.

BUT if he wanted to come back – if he wasn’t ready to leave this world, I would take care of him – I would love and help him through life.  As a mother, I didn’t know what was best – him to be alive or him to be in heaven.  I didn’t know if my prayers for him to wake up were selfish or if they were what God wanted.  I didn’t know so I prayed for the strength to let God’s will be done.  I prayed that Owen would feel my love even as he was in a coma.  I prayed that if Owen had a choice he would know how much I loved him – I loved him so much that I just wanted him to be content – I didn’t want him to worry about me and what I wanted.  This was his choice – his life.  He was only 6 months old – yet, I knew as a mother, I couldn’t ask him to come back if it meant he would be unhappy.

I don’t know what Brenda prayed those days – but I do know that she did answer God’s call and while her whole life was turned upside down a few times more … she continued to serve the Lord and to love her children.  Her son was at the conference – I looked at his handsome face and thought about Owen.  He looked so happy to be on stage, he looked so loved by his mother.  I couldn’t help but imagine what Owen would be like – how my life would have been different – what I would be doing on a ‘regular’ day if he were still here.  I even found parts of me that rejoiced that Owen was in heaven.  I have no doubt that Owen only knows pure joy each and every day.  I know he is not in pain.  I know he is not sad.  In the face of grief and pain and longing to hold one of my children, I rejoice knowing that Owen is in the best place possible – with his Father in Heaven.  And for that alone I can celebrate.

Love, Mel

1 Comment

Filed under Faith, Owen's Gone, Posted by Melissa

Tagged as , ,

September 17, 2012 · 2:50 pm

Briggs & Al Run/Walk 2012 – Reflections From Mr. Jake Appleton

Let me introduce the fabulous Jake Appleton from Appleton, WI again! Below are his reflections from the Briggs and All Run/Walk which benefiting Childrens Hospital of Wi … Where Owen was treated after being found not breathing.

***

Saturday, September 15th was the 35th annual Briggs and Al’s Run/Walk in downtown Milwaukee. The goal of the event was to raise money for Children’s Hospital, and I’m pleased to report that 13,000 people showed up for the event, and over $13 million was raised. Interestingly, Mel Bissing wasn’t one of the 13,000 in attendance. Nor was her sister, Rachael. Or best friends, Sarah Meyer and Abby Snopek. So, what in the world happened? A sequel to “Home Alone”? Maybe someone unplugged their alarm clock and it was flashing 12:00 when in reality they had overslept and missed the race? And now Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern are sneaking around, ready to break into their houses?

No, nothing that interesting. A close friend of theirs got married on 9/15 and each of them made the tough decision to attend the wedding instead of walking for Owen’s Little Warriors. Let’s just say that marriage BETTER NOT end in divorce!! (totally kidding) So, going in, we knew Mel and some of her usual entourage would not be in attendance. But did that dampen the spirit? Not even a tiny bit. Here’s what happened.
I woke up at 5:40 AM…seriously, Owen, I hope you’re looking down and smiling, cuz that’s dedication. I started getting the girls ready, and woke Tina shortly after. My daughters were really excited for the walk, particularly Violet, who is borderline in love with Mel’s son, Jaden. Tina had the girls so cute in all their orange stuff, and before we knew it, the time had come to leave. We managed to score free parking, which was a plus, and then it was time to board the school bus. You might recall the year prior where we were celebrities, of sorts, due to our dyed orange shirts. People were coming up to us saying, “That is SUCH a good idea! Oooohhh, are you on Owen’s Little Warriors team? I LOVE Mel’s blog!!” This year was different, mostly because we weren’t the trendsetters anymore. The trend had been set, and others followed suit. We saw yellow shirts, blue shirts, pink shirts…you name it. They all have Mel to thank, but who’s counting?

 

all the “bling” Mandy (the team captain and dear friend of Mel) made

 

Weston & Logan on the bus ride down to the start line

 

Doug and the Boys

Speaking of colors, my leg quickly turned red, as I somehow cut myself getting on the bus after trying to maneuver two strollers into the seat next to me. I glanced down and saw a red trickle, beginning at my knee, and ending at my calf. Great start, Jake. Tina saved the day with a Kleenex, which I fashioned into a tourniquet. Problem…solved.

We were fairly early, so we walked to the starting line and looked around for other orange shirts. We found only 3 – a nice couple and their son. After chatting with them for a few moments, others started to arrive, including Mel’s husband, Doug, and the boys! As we looked around, we found a very odd celebrity mix: the Brewers Racing Sausages, Bango the Buck, the Admirals’ Mascot, a lady on stilts, Chewbacca and some Storm Troopers. Wait a tic…did you just say Chewbacca and some Storm Troopers?! What were they doing at an event for Children’s Hospital? Don’t know, but Doug sure was excited about it. He was like, “OH MY GOD!!! CHEWWWWIIIIEEEE!!!” Jaden rolled his eyes and tried to keep up as Doug sprinted away.

My favorite pre-race moment was definitely Mel’s brother, Jake. He came dressed head to toe in an orange suit. Picture those “Blue Man Group” dudes…only orange. I can’t describe how awesome that was. There’s spirit…and then there’s what Jake did for Owen. He became an INSTANT celebrity once the mask was zipped over his face. Little kids started walking up and giving him hugs, parents wanted to take pictures with him, hot girls wanted him to autograph their cleavage (ok, I added that last part).

 

 

Another thing that really stood out was the green shirts all around us. The green shirts were special because they were given to Child Champions, who were defined as someone who was once a patient at Children’s Hospital. It really hit home for me when I saw the sheer number of green shirts. Whether you have been blessed with healthy children, like us, or if you have needed the services of Children’s Hospital, this thing is bigger than all of us. And I GUARANTEE everyone reading this knows someone that has been helped by these fine doctors and nurses. There is no better cause than helping children.

Owen was in the forefront of our minds as the walk began. The throng of 13,000 strong started marching onward as the inspirational music blared over the loudspeakers. “Brighter Than the Sun” was an appropriate first song, and the Marquette cheerleaders were once again brought to tears when they saw Mandy and Jessie Buschke walk past, holding the banner with Owen’s photo and lifespan in full view. Not the first time the power of Owenge moved someone to tears, and it won’t be the last… My wife noticed a monarch butterfly again stick with our group, but this time only for about a minute. Still, just knowing that Owen acknowledged and thanked us for marching in his memory for a second straight year was pretty awesome.

As we passed a half mile, I decided to look up at the building where last year, someone high up in a skyscraper was waving an orange pom-pon. He wouldn’t be back again this year, would he? My eyes glanced up, and landed on something bright orange. Same guy, this time with a bright orange shirt. He waved his arms wildly at us when he saw our group. To this day, we have no knowledge who this man is, but we do know this…Owen touched his life, some way, somehow. Just as he has to all of ours.

 

See him on the left hand side of the building 8 windows up on the balcony?

The rest of the walk was rather uneventful. Poor Jake in the head-to-toe orange outfit had to relent and take the mask off after awhile because it got to be pretty hot in the sun. We didn’t want him to change his orange shirt to green after a hospital stay, so his decision to cool off was the right one. Mostly, the day was one of reflection. Owen’s Little Warriors consists of people from all walks of life. We may not all be close friends outside the walk environment, but at least for a few hours, every year, we’re family. Owen’s family. I know Mel couldn’t be there on Saturday, but we all know she appreciated the support everyone gave to her team. Some of us knew Owen his whole life, others never had the chance to meet him until it was too late, but for me, I gained a valuable lesson that I will never forget: Live in the 2%. Keep your faith strong. Believe.

 

 

Where did Jake go?

Logan and Mandy having a “moment”

***

There are no words to express how sad I was that I couldn’t be there at the walk … but after getting pictures send to me during the day via text and email, I felt like I was walking right there with everyone.  I know that Owen was proud of everyone that walked – we raised a bunch of money for Children’s Hospital.  I think just about everyone knows someone who has been treated by the wonderful nurses and doctors there.  They make dreams come true, they heal the sick and they make the worst life nightmare seem almost bearable.  The staff at Childrens do a lot more than just care for sick children – they also care for the families of the sick kids by offering training and education and sometimes just being an ear that will listen in the middle of the night when you just can’t sleep because you are so worried for your little baby.

Thank you to the 13,000 people who walked!  Thank you to Children’s Hospital of Wisconsin for all that you do!

Love, Mel

 

2 Comments

Filed under Owen Fundraisers, Owen's Gone, Posted by Melissa

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

August 10, 2012 · 2:35 pm

Honoring Owen Today

I am in the car on the way to Madison. Technology is pretty amazing that I can sit here and type while flying down I-94. I remember when our donor coordinator telling us about this ceremony. There were times when I never thought I would get through the days to even make it here. Yet here we are. Healthy, almost happy and blessed.

The ceremony takes place in the Governor of Wisconsin’s Madison residence. Mr Walker and his wife open their doors to all the families of organ donors. We will sit in a sea of grieving family members. Some loved ones might be children, parents, aunts or siblings. But each of them has their own story to tell, their own legacy to leave behind.

I feel flooded with emotion. The days leading up to this morning I says filled with excitement and anticipation. I was looking forward to having an “Owen Day.” I could feel the tears building up … Saving up for the right moment. I prayed that I would feel Owen close to me, even for just a brief moment. I know that he is “always with me” but I can’t remember the last time I honestly felt him. The strong surge that makes my heart skip just a little bit and leaves the strong assurance that Owen was in my arms. Perhaps I’ll feel it today on the lack lawn of the residence, or maybe I’ll feel it while standing in line for the restroom or maybe not at all. I know that Owen would be honored and proud to be recognized. He has his father’s blood in him and Doug takes great pride in these sorts of things.

Somethings don’t ever change … I’m consumed with emotion and I grab my iPad to start journaling. I find myself being thankful that I have a way to sort through all the things that I feel or have trouble with.

I hold Owen’s angel sisters close to my heart today. They are just as much of his story as anyone else is or this blog is. Josie and the little unnamed girl will received his liver receive this medal with Owen. I should reach out to the unnamed girl. Maybe she doesn’t care to know us anymore since it isn’t Owens liver she carries anymore. But I guess I just want her to know that she is loved by me and my family. She should know just how many people pray for her.

We just pulled up. Time to celebrate my son.

Love, Mel

1 Comment

Filed under Grief, Organ Donation, Owen's Gone

Tagged as , , , , ,

August 7, 2012 · 9:56 pm

The Beginning of a Great Two Weeks!

So this week starts our annual lake house summer vacation.  For the past few years my parents have rented a lake house in Oconomouc, WI (only about 30 mins from where we live) and all of us kids move out there together.  Company is always coming and going … there is always food to eat and a cold beer to drink.  It’s a whole lot of fun!

I have found myself remembering the summer I was out here pregnant with the triplets.  I remember LOVING to float around in the pool on my stomach on a raft because it was the only way I could lay that way.  There was NO way I could roll over in a bed!  I remembered how freaked out I was of slipping and falling in the shower.  The tile is just really slippery.  But darn it if I didn’t find a way to still shave my legs around my huge belly!  I remember sitting in the anti-gravity chair because it was the only place that took the pressure off of my lower back.  I remembered how HOT it was since the house didn’t have air conditioning that summer.

And I find myself looking around thinking how different life is this year than years past.  I never would have thought things would be the way they are.  We were at the lake house last summer so it’s not like it’s the first time since Owen died.  But I still feel like it’s different. Perhaps it’s because I’m not walking around like a grieving zombie this time.  Perhaps it’s because life is a bit more chaotic with two walkers around a pool.  Whatever the reason, it just feels different.

All four of my boys and I are staying in the large room at the end of the hallway.  It’s got three twin beds and plenty of room for the pack ‘n plays.  Last night, I don’t know how he did it but Jaden found a way to still crawl in bed with me!  I woke up to my little bitty bed being shared with my six-year-old.  I must love him because I was more happy to have some extra cuddle time with him before he woke up than I was irritated that I had kinked my back due to the lack of space.

So our plan for the next two weeks is to wake up, hang out by the pool, nap and eat.  Yep, that’s just about it.

On Friday of this week, we will be taking a trip out the Madison to the governor’s residence for a Donor Network ceremony.  Owen will be receiving a medal of honor for being an organ donor.  I’m oddly looking forward to this … in fact, I start to tear up just about any time I start to talk about it.  If you knew me in person, I’m not usually the crying type.  I don’t cry at sappy movies and I don’t cry when talking about hard topics.  I cry plenty in private, just not something I really do in front of others.  And this isn’t by choice, it’s just the way I am.  But this ceremony has had me in tears a few times as I have been discussing it with friends.  My baby son is being recognized by the Governor of the state of Wisconsin.  That’s some pretty big stuff!  I’m not really sure what to expect out of the day … but I will have my camera close by and will share the experience with my blog family.  Gosh … a medal of honor.  I am one proud mama!

Love, Mel

1 Comment

Filed under Organ Donation, Owen's Gone, Posted by Melissa

Tagged as , , ,

May 21, 2012 · 10:09 pm

Thank You Sussex Village!

I was so nervous as I pulled into the Fire Station parking lot.  My stomach was sick with the fear of not saying the right words.  Not saying enough.  I didn’t want to be “that” mom right then.  So often when my mouth can’t find the words, my fingers seem to find the keys on the keyboard.  That wasn’t that option this time … I had to speak.  But I was so focused on all the cooking that I didn’t have time to think everything through.

The Fire Chief, “Corky”, shook my hand right away.  He called those who were on the call forward.  A few I recognized, but others I did not.  The two gentlemen that actually worked on Owen weren’t there.  Then, he shared some thoughts on that night.  He shared what the dispatcher told him about the call.  The entire unit was all lined up around the room – almost at attention.  All looking at me and my family.  I prayed that my eyes would say what my mouth couldn’t find the words for.

I tried to tell them that we were ok.  Not to dwell on the fact that Owen didn’t make it, but rather celebrate that two other lives were saved.  I told them the story about OWENGE and why we wear the color.  I told them how I think about them each and every day.  When I see a fire truck or police car out around town, I look to see if I recognize anyone.  I wonder “were you at my house that night?”  I said Thank You … over and over.  And I really meant it.

The boys were given huge stuffed animals.  A fire fighter’s wife knit the boys hats (blue, green and orange of course!)  She’s a blog reader — if you are reading this THANK YOU!!!  Someone offered to show the boys the trucks.

Once they got in the trucks … they didn’t want to get out!

I did get a little teary eyed as Jaden sat up high, so proud and was waving at me out the window.  I flashed forward to him being an adult and being an EMT.  I pictured him waving out the same window in a parade.  Gosh I would be one proud mama if he chose that road in life.

My mom said he was giving his bear CPR when she was buckling him up.  She said he was doing it pretty accurately too.  I wonder where he learned that from … we’ve talked about Mommy giving Owen CPR but I’ve never acted it out for him.  TV maybe?

I know it gave me and my family healing being there.  Seeing the faces of those who fought so hard for us a year ago.  At this time last year, right this very minute, I would just be arriving at Children’s Hospital.  Standing outside of his door – watching the 15+ people all working on him.  Someone in a white coat stood next to us, trying to answer all of our questions.

The numbness is replaced with emotions … some of them joy for Josie and the other little girl.  Pride for how far we have come this past year.  Pain of the loss that is still blinding in our family.  Gratitude for all those who walked this journey with us last year and the days following.

My sister said it best:  My deepest thanks go out to the men and women of the Sussex police department, fire department and paramedics. Owen is a warrior because of your hard work and kindness on such a tragic night one year ago. I think of you all daily.

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts!

Love, Mel

6 Comments

Filed under Grief, Owen's Gone

Tagged as , , , ,

May 17, 2012 · 6:00 am

Private Practice

Someone should have warned me about the Private Practice episode this week … whoa.  If you aren’t a Private Practice watcher … one of the characters, Amelia, is pregnant with her deceased boyfriend’s baby.  She finds out that her son doesn’t have a brain.  He won’t live much more than a few hours after birth.  So she decides that she’s going to carry the baby to full term with the plan of donating her baby’s organs.  What you don’t find out until this episode is that she can’t technically donate them because she son will never be able to be declared brain-dead – he still has brain stem activity.  So she has to convince her doctor friends to harvest the organs.

Took me back to 355 days ago … when Doug and I were fighting so hard for Owen to donate his organs.  It was the only good thing that could come out of something so ugly.

Amelia said that she didn’t want to see or hear her baby – just take him away.  I remember my feelings as the time came closer and closer to Owen having the surgery, I wasn’t sure I wanted to hold my dead baby.  I didn’t it to erase all the memories I had of holding him alive.  As a true mother, she changed her mind in the last minute.  She looked at her baby, with no brain, and cried at how beautiful he was.  I still think that Owen was the most beautiful baby even when he was hooked up to all the machines, tubes all over the place.  He was still beautiful with his skin pale and cold.  There came a crucial moment when Amelia needed to decide if she was going to hold him until his last breath or if she would hand him over in hopes that he could still donate his organs.

I remember the entire walk down to the operating room.  I remember the elevator ride.  The way the temperature of the hallways were so much cooler when we got to the operating floor.  I remembering having to force myself to let go – to be ok.  It was now or never.  There was no turning back now.  I remember Doug’s eyes as he reassured me that it would be ok.  It was time.  I can still picture the swinging doors closing as they took Owen to his final place.  We stood with our pastor and watched as he was wheeled down the long hallway into the O.R. at the end of the hall.  I stood there for a long while – unable to move.  Un-wanting to move.  I wasn’t ready to leave his side yet.  But I had to be ok – I had to let go at that very moment.  There was no turning back.  I knew it was what I had to do – but I had all those feelings of not wanting to. Amelia’s moment of truth in this episode – man, I could relate.

It was choosing to let go because the good out weighed the bad.  Saving two lives was far more valuable than holding Owen until his body failed him.  What would have come of his death?  A good blog to read?  It had to be more.

What made me totally lose it was when they showed the organ harvesting.  Of course I know it’s Hollywood surgery but ti’s something that I’ve never pictured before.  The silver bowls and ice that they placed each tiny organ on.  How small each organ really was.  The child’s face on the body cut open.  Innocence being cut wide open.  I focused on the breathing tube.  The one tube that wasn’t able to be removed when I held Owen.  I received texts from our organ transplant coordinator as they harvested each organ.  But I could never really visualize it.  I had a storybook image – but nothing as real as this was.

I wouldn’t say what I was feeling was horrible … it wasn’t good either.  It was just a lot of emotion.  All at once.  Yes I cried – wailed even at some points.  I couldn’t breathe because my chest felt so tight.  But still I wouldn’t say it was horrible.  It was just a lot.  I welcome the pain.  I welcome the emotions.  I know I need to feel them to continue to heal.

I just wasn’t expecting to get all that out of a weeknight sitcom.  How many other donor mom’s out there were watching?  I hope it helped you to feel what you needed to feel.  I’m sorry it’s got to hurt so bad.  It sucks.  It really sucks.  But welcome the pain – embrace it.  It only hurts bad for the first little bit — then it turns into a reminder that you are real.  You are a mom.  You are an organ donor mom.

I just wish someone had told me before I watched it!  It caught me so off guard.  I would have had the tissues a little closer too …

Love, Mel

4 Comments

Filed under Grief, Organ Donation, Owen's Gone

Tagged as , , , , , ,

May 3, 2012 · 8:27 am

These Eyes

Looking deep into these eyes today … remembering what he looked like – one small detail at a time.

I know all mothers say that their kids are beautiful … but dang … what a handsome kid he was/is.  What I remember the most is the way his hair and head felt under my hand.  I used to run my hand from his forehead to the back of his head all the time.  His hair was smooth and his head perfectly round.  And those eyes … doe like.  Always soft.

These pictures almost seem like someone else’s.  Like I’m staring at someone else’s child.  The harsh reality on how quickly life changes.  And proof that healing is possible.

Love, Mel

3 Comments

Filed under Grief, Owen's Gone

Tagged as , , , , , , ,

May 2, 2012 · 11:23 pm

Owen’s Face

I lay in bed … Listening to the thunder. I smile as I think of what the Schaefer kids would tell me … It’s the angels laughing.

I can’t picture what his face looks like. I close my eyes and I only see a blank face. A face without eyes, nose or a mouth. I don’t look at pictures of him. Although I think of him every other minute. Seeing his picture reminds me of how really gone he is. If I keep him in my heart, then in some ways he feels as though he is still alive. That part of my son isn’t gone … The part that I carry with me. It’s the same part that had me worried when I didn’t know exactly where his ashes were or the part of me that found comfort when the officials would update me as to where his body was and where it would go next. It’s the part of a mother that never stops worrying.

I carry each of my kids in my heart. I pray for each of them. I meditate on their names. I hold them up. I cherish their little souls and I ask for the strength and wisdom to be the Lord’s arms in hugging them. I do this for all four of my boys.

When I look at his picture … His face is forever frozen in time. Forever having a gummy smile. His baby face. Those large, round, dark eyes. I want to see his face. I want to look at him all the time. But it’s just more proof of the loss … A different kind of pain than just remembering he died.

It’s looking at a face that has life and then remembering his lifeless eyes while doing CPR. It’s seeing him giggle and coo in home videos and then remembering his doll like stillness at his funeral. It’s disgusting knowing that life once filled those eyes. Knowing that looking at a picture of my own flesh and blood can hurt so badly.

I welcome the pain as much as I fear it. The more I welcome it the quicker I will become accustomed to it. The less interrupting the pain will be. If I open myself to it … The pain will be absorbed and become part of my flesh. A pain that will make me stronger. A pain that will eventually hold me together. It becomes the bricks in my foundation. Apart of the path that is life.

So tomorrow I’m going to look at his picture. Stare at his face until the pain is numb. Then I’ll do it all over again. Convince myself that I will see his face again some day … Remind myself that he is still with me … And forgive myself for not remembering what he looks like some days.

Love, Mel

6 Comments

Filed under Grief, Owen's Gone, Posted by Melissa

Tagged as , , , , ,