When Owen was sick, I really had no control in the situation. All I could do was wait and pray. I had the time to dedicate to my thoughts and feelings. I didn’t have other distractions that used up my strength. All of my energy was being focused on my sick and dying baby. I had the time and strength to see clearly the words I should be praying. “Dear Lord, please give me the strength to let Your will be done. You are all knowing and I trust in you for a blessed outcome.”
Having the quiet hours to meditate is not always how real life works. I can barely use the bathroom in quiet. And what I’m learning is that I’m not as quick to rely on God for direction when I’m in the midst of my busy life.
Think about it, my day is filled with cleaning up messes, planning how to get the laundry done, watching the clock for when I should start dinner. It’s all driven by my own control and planning. I can’t sit around and say “God, you let me know when the right time to make dinner is.” I guess I could but that’s a little extreme for me.
So when I face more life decisions and choices, it’s hard to stop my natural reaction (to plan). Rather I need to pray and wait for some direction. Pray about my options. And really when I pray, I want to be praying for the strength and wisdom to follow where He will lead me. I personally don’t want to be praying so hard for what I think I want and for what I think is right and totally miss out on a blessing God had in store for me. I want to follow His lead in this. It’s exactly what I’ve learned to do through my life trials and it has never lead me wrong. Not once.
This whole concept really dawned on me when the Garth Brooks song “Unanswered Prayers” came on the radio last night. He spends his high school days, begging for God to make his girlfriend his for all time. When he runs into his high school sweetheart years later, he realizes that if he would have married her, he wouldn’t have the wife and kids he has today. So he thanks God for not answering that prayer. It’s sort of like an “I told you so” moment for the big guy. Although, I really don’t think that’s what he is saying up in heaven … But he totally could if he wanted to. He knows what is right all along … He’s got the master plan. And I know I can say that I too thank God for some of my unanswered prayers…
What I think is right for me, might not be in the long run. What I think is the best option, might not be. All of my uncertainty and all of my desire to plan everything out has got to be let go. In a way its a lot less pressure on my own shoulders on whether or not I’m making the right decisions. I’m responsible for following … Not for being able to predict which choice will have he better outcome. I have to trust that when the right situation presents itself, I’ll know.
We started a book/bible study with my Supermoms group this past Sunday night. We’re reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan. While I’ve only read the first two chapters, this book invokes all kinds of questions and emotion. It’s getting to the root of why we are Christians and how God wants us to view him. What the bible tells us he looks like.
I can’t exactly remember how it came up but I started to express my questions of how it all worked. Does God lead us where he ultimately wants us or do we really choose our own path and he comes after us making beautiful things out of our messes. I got pretty much the same response as I did when I posted Crossroads.
I found myself feeling frustrated by the comments I received. Not because I disagreed with any of them, but rather, because I felt like I didn’t properly express what I was trying to. Then on Sunday night my friend, Amy, said the right word: anticipation. I don’t question these sorts of things because I have doubt. I have no question that God plays a huge role in my life. I question these more out of anticipation of reaching the gates of heaven. Anticipation for one day having the veil lifted and having an understanding to the questions “why?” and “how?” Anticipation if I will even understand it all when I get there. Maybe this isn’t something that will ever be explained. How can I know for certain?
Frankly, I don’t think it really matters one way or the other – as long as I remember that Christ is with me and I remember to turn it over to Him. You know, maybe he’s only in charge if we let him. Maybe he only comes and makes beautiful things out of the dust when we pray and ask him to. But I feel like there are times that I should have asked for help and I didn’t, yet I still feel like he helped me through it. How does that work?
It’s hard for me to listen to what others think – I question on how they could possibly know. Is it spelled out in the bible somewhere?
I’m excited to know what heaven looks like. I know I really struggled with that after Owen died. I couldn’t picture where he was or what he looked like. Does he have the same face? What form do we take on when we are up there with the big guy? Maybe we are more like beams of light – but how do you tell one person’s light from another? I know that there is supposed to be roads of gold. But how kinds of roads? Are they like the yellow brick road? Is there only one road or does it go off in 100′s of directions? Or maybe the roads are more like the roads in the game Mario Galaxy. All of these questions and wonderings. Yet, it doesn’t seem to alter my faith that is all exists. It’s true and real. It’s good and something I yearn for more of. Yet, it’s nothing I’ve ever seen. I can’t picture it.
I question out of anticipation and excitement (and hope) that I will one day see all of these things.