Tag Archives: Owen

May 19, 2013 · 9:49 pm

Time

Time … it’s been two years.  Two years since I saw Owen alive for the last time.  Two years since my home was filled with EMTs and policemen.  Two years since I was just a “normal” triplet mom – not the triplet mom that has to explain where the third one is.

I’ve painted my nails orange.  I’m bringing dinner to the firehouse that answered my call on May 21, 2011.  I’ve invited my closest friends and family for a bonfire.  Time has changed May in so many ways.  Last year I was so anxious.  Counting the days until the anniversary would arrive.  This year, it sort of snuck up on me.  All of a sudden I found myself saying “I really should plan something – I can’t believe the anniversary is next week already!”

I told a friend on the phone, “I’m doing ok.  I feel strong.  Of course I would do anything to have my son back, but it’s hard to feel beat down when I have been so richly blessed out of this terrible thing.”  See, I also believe that Owen is with the Lord.  There is no better place than that.  He is with the ultimate protector.  I don’t need to worry about where he is or if he is suffering or hurt.  He is dancing and singing.  He is experiencing a supreme happiness.  So when I look at my earthly life – I know I don’t need to worry about Owen anymore.  I am free to graciously accept the blessings that have been poured down on me.

I’ve been thinking about what a difference two years makes and I thought I would read my blog post from two years ago: The Magic 8 Ball Knows All (May 20. 2011) Jaden said I would have another baby – a girl to be exact.  Could he have been foretelling Josie?  The heart I grew and cared for during my 33 weeks and 3 day pregnancy would one day keep another small girl live?  It’s hard to say.  Perhaps it was my god-daughter Leighton?  I’m so in love with her and pray for her as though she were my own child?  Again, hard to say …

I am hung up on just how unknowing I was of what the next day had in store for me.  I had no idea what was coming or that the picture I posted would be the very last I would ever take of my Owen with his eyes open.  I suppose that’s how most tragedies hit – unknowingly.  Smack out of no where.

I’ve got my owenge planned for the week.  I’ve laid my heart in God’s hands.  I ask for His protection this week and for this healing spirit to rejuvenate my broken soul.

Love, Mel

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August 10, 2012 · 2:35 pm

Honoring Owen Today

I am in the car on the way to Madison. Technology is pretty amazing that I can sit here and type while flying down I-94. I remember when our donor coordinator telling us about this ceremony. There were times when I never thought I would get through the days to even make it here. Yet here we are. Healthy, almost happy and blessed.

The ceremony takes place in the Governor of Wisconsin’s Madison residence. Mr Walker and his wife open their doors to all the families of organ donors. We will sit in a sea of grieving family members. Some loved ones might be children, parents, aunts or siblings. But each of them has their own story to tell, their own legacy to leave behind.

I feel flooded with emotion. The days leading up to this morning I says filled with excitement and anticipation. I was looking forward to having an “Owen Day.” I could feel the tears building up … Saving up for the right moment. I prayed that I would feel Owen close to me, even for just a brief moment. I know that he is “always with me” but I can’t remember the last time I honestly felt him. The strong surge that makes my heart skip just a little bit and leaves the strong assurance that Owen was in my arms. Perhaps I’ll feel it today on the lack lawn of the residence, or maybe I’ll feel it while standing in line for the restroom or maybe not at all. I know that Owen would be honored and proud to be recognized. He has his father’s blood in him and Doug takes great pride in these sorts of things.

Somethings don’t ever change … I’m consumed with emotion and I grab my iPad to start journaling. I find myself being thankful that I have a way to sort through all the things that I feel or have trouble with.

I hold Owen’s angel sisters close to my heart today. They are just as much of his story as anyone else is or this blog is. Josie and the little unnamed girl will received his liver receive this medal with Owen. I should reach out to the unnamed girl. Maybe she doesn’t care to know us anymore since it isn’t Owens liver she carries anymore. But I guess I just want her to know that she is loved by me and my family. She should know just how many people pray for her.

We just pulled up. Time to celebrate my son.

Love, Mel

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May 17, 2012 · 12:24 pm

What I didn’t mention about Private Practice …

What I didn’t mention about Private Practice … is how wonderful it is to see a sitcom spread the word on how important organ donation is.  A mother losing her child is devastating.  A child dying is unthinkable. Being an organ donor is amazing!

I firmly believe that Doug and I were able to come to the agreements we did because we discussed our wishes ahead of time.  It might sound morbid but when we were newly married it came up in conversation once.  We talked about our wishes should we leave this world.  We both said we wanted to be organ donors.  Doug felt strongly about being cremated.  I was ok with it, although no one in my family has been cremated.  At one point we even discussed that Doug wanted to be a paul bearer should one of our children die.  He didn’t care if it wasn’t the “norm” no one would carry our son but him.  At the time we had NO idea one of our children were going to die.  It was all hypothetical.

Amelia (from Private Practice) sort of did the same thing.  She thought out what she wanted to do ahead of time.  So in her moment of grief and not wanting to live the moment, she had the plan to fall back on.  It’s the very moment when you think you just can’t handle anymore.  When you want to run away from the hospital, from the pain.  You don’t have to think – you just have to follow your plan.

On May 21, 2011, when approached by Dr Miller in the waiting room at Children’s, he asked if we would be willing to enroll Owen in a medical study.  It only took a look between Doug and I to know that we would say yes.  We called him back no more than 10 minutes later.  I remember how surprised he was to see us agreed and strong in our decision so quickly.  But it’s because we already had a plan should this happen.  We both believe in medicine and in that knowledge is power.  We both believe that medicine can save lives.  That doctors are someone we can trust.  I also believe that it’s also with the power of the Holy Spirit that all of the comes together.

So, not to sound totally creepy or weird but have you thought about what you would want if something happened to you or your child?  It might worth the pain to think it through now … because in the moment there will be so much more pain to sort through.  Don’t leave something like this to the last minute.  If anything, while you watch shows like this week’s Private Practice, think about what you would do.  I hope that you would say you’d like to save the lives of many. I hope you would want to find some kind of ‘unicorn magic’ in the face of evil and death.

I can say, first hand, that it’s worth it.  And I’m not the donor recipient who is saying thank you.  I’m the mother that handed her child over to a transplant team of doctors and let them cut him open while he was still breathing on a ventilator.  I can say with 100% certainty that I would donate Owen’s organs again!  In fact, I wish we could have given more.  My son isn’t really gone … he’s spread across two states.  He lives on in others – literally.  I have the honor to say that my son is a warrior.  He saved lives.  It’s no different from the proud military mom who can say that her son or daughter fights for our country.  Be an organ donor.  Be proud to be an organ donor!

Love, Mel

Register now to be an organ donor here:

 http://donatelife.net/register-now/
(if you register, be sure to leave a comment!)

For more information on organ donation:

http://donatelife.net/

http://www.organdonor.gov/index.html

http://www.thenationalnetworkoforgandonors.org/

Myths about organ donation:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/organ-donation/FL00077

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May 3, 2012 · 8:27 am

These Eyes

Looking deep into these eyes today … remembering what he looked like – one small detail at a time.

I know all mothers say that their kids are beautiful … but dang … what a handsome kid he was/is.  What I remember the most is the way his hair and head felt under my hand.  I used to run my hand from his forehead to the back of his head all the time.  His hair was smooth and his head perfectly round.  And those eyes … doe like.  Always soft.

These pictures almost seem like someone else’s.  Like I’m staring at someone else’s child.  The harsh reality on how quickly life changes.  And proof that healing is possible.

Love, Mel

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May 2, 2012 · 11:23 pm

Owen’s Face

I lay in bed … Listening to the thunder. I smile as I think of what the Schaefer kids would tell me … It’s the angels laughing.

I can’t picture what his face looks like. I close my eyes and I only see a blank face. A face without eyes, nose or a mouth. I don’t look at pictures of him. Although I think of him every other minute. Seeing his picture reminds me of how really gone he is. If I keep him in my heart, then in some ways he feels as though he is still alive. That part of my son isn’t gone … The part that I carry with me. It’s the same part that had me worried when I didn’t know exactly where his ashes were or the part of me that found comfort when the officials would update me as to where his body was and where it would go next. It’s the part of a mother that never stops worrying.

I carry each of my kids in my heart. I pray for each of them. I meditate on their names. I hold them up. I cherish their little souls and I ask for the strength and wisdom to be the Lord’s arms in hugging them. I do this for all four of my boys.

When I look at his picture … His face is forever frozen in time. Forever having a gummy smile. His baby face. Those large, round, dark eyes. I want to see his face. I want to look at him all the time. But it’s just more proof of the loss … A different kind of pain than just remembering he died.

It’s looking at a face that has life and then remembering his lifeless eyes while doing CPR. It’s seeing him giggle and coo in home videos and then remembering his doll like stillness at his funeral. It’s disgusting knowing that life once filled those eyes. Knowing that looking at a picture of my own flesh and blood can hurt so badly.

I welcome the pain as much as I fear it. The more I welcome it the quicker I will become accustomed to it. The less interrupting the pain will be. If I open myself to it … The pain will be absorbed and become part of my flesh. A pain that will make me stronger. A pain that will eventually hold me together. It becomes the bricks in my foundation. Apart of the path that is life.

So tomorrow I’m going to look at his picture. Stare at his face until the pain is numb. Then I’ll do it all over again. Convince myself that I will see his face again some day … Remind myself that he is still with me … And forgive myself for not remembering what he looks like some days.

Love, Mel

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April 10, 2012 · 11:22 pm

Easter 2012

Easter morning came at about 6:45am.  Jaden was SUPER excited to see what the bunny brought for him this year.  He’s been telling me how the bunny totally messed up last year and he hopes he gets it right this year.  We still need to work on Jaden’s thankfullness … yikes!

Logan found his and Weston’s baskets right away.

Weston dug right into the Peeps … he eat a whole row of them like corn on the cob!

Yep, this picture pretty much sums it up …

Took Jaden a bit to find his basket … but he finally did.  AND he’s been talking about how awesome the Easter Bunny was this year.  Excuse me while I rock on with my bad self … thank you very much!

My sister bought the boys their Easter outfits.  SO STINKING CUTE!  Of course you would think that Jaden was a teenager the way he complained the entire day about only wanting to wear his new Batman Lego tshirt he got from grandma.  What happened to the kid that wore a collared shirt and tie to school all last week?  I was able to get a few really nice pictures of the boys in their outfits.

I find myself wondering what this picture would look like if Owen where here.  Then, I see Jaden’s arms around Logan and Weston, and I feel like he is in this picture.  He’s in Jaden’s arms that hold and guide his brothers.  He’ll remember Owen.  He’ll be able to tell them about all three babies when they get older.  Even though it kills me that Jaden knows the pain of death so early, it’s beautiful to know that he will remember it so he can tell the triplets.  Maybe it will mean something different to the boys hearing about their brother FROM their older brother.

Switching gears … I know that I’m their mom … but dang I think my kids are cute :)  Now I just need to remember this on the days that I don’t find them so cute …

We headed over to Doug’s grandma’s house in the afternoon.  The boys had a blast playing outside with all of the older cousins.  It’s really special watching Jaden run around with the other kids … he’s so proud to have his cousins.  Watching how happy he is, makes me even happier.

Watching the boys play together was so much fun too!

Easter was also Aunt Kris’ birthday.  She is such a great sharer that she decided to let the babies dig into her cake!  They eat just like their first birthday!  Weston dug in with both hands and Logan was danty about it … just using one finger and careful not to make a mess.  So funny since Logan is a garbage disposal and will eat just about anything you put in front of him.  Weston eats like a bird (another reason to call him bird boy haha!)  I think he’s going to be like me with a MAJOR sweet tooth :)

Overall it was a wonderful holiday.  We got home nice and late … just hand enough energy to unload the car.  Forget about unpacking.  But that’s exactly what a holiday is all about – spending time with each other and not on chores.

Hope you all had a blessed Easter as well!

Love, Mel

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April 6, 2012 · 8:30 am

Fear

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I’m afraid of.  What is holding me back from accomplishing the life I desire to live?  The life God wants me to live?  I keep coming back to fear.  Then the question that stuns me.

Why is it that faith in something that you cannot see or touch can be terrifying in itself, yet it is the only thing that will make the rest of the world seem conquerable.  The rest of the “stuff” isn’t scary when you believe in something so huge.  With God all things are possible.

Giving your life over to your faith can be terrifying.  Submitting your life to someone else – something else.  Putting someone else in charge of everything can seem like you are giving up control.  It’s scary to not be in control.  The unknowns can keep you up at night.  But when you truly believe that someone, who is more powerful than anything else, is in charge your fear suddenly turns to comfort and courage.

How is it that in the midst of my child dying was I able to sleep at night?  How did I find the strength and focus to write?  I found myself comforting others in the midst of my tragedy.  I was offering others hugs at the funeral.  Friends collapsed in my arms during the receiving line.  How does this happen?  How did I find the strength?

My belief makes everything else in this world seem conquerable.  Nothing is too scary – too hard – too sad for me to get through.  I will be ok.  I’ll always be ok.  I might have more pages in my life story than others.  I might have more scars and tears shed in this world.  But I don’t have the most.  I’m never, ever the worst off in this world.  My son was taken from me, yet there is another mother who has had all of her children taken from her.  I might have been thrown out of a car and learned how to walk again, but there is something else who was thrown from a car and never able to walk again.  I’ve been blessed with the opportunities time and time again to pick myself up.

There are huge holes in my life.  Undecided questions.  Unknowns.  But nothing seems too much to accomplish.  I might not know how I’m going to get through these upcoming trials.  I might not know how long I must endure this kind of pain, but the faith I have tells me that one day it will end and if I just hang on long enough … I too will be at peace.  I too will know what it feels like to look at God in the face.

So I keep fighting.  I keep believing in the most frightening power.  Because it gives me strength.  It helps me put one foot in front of the other.  It’s the only way I know how to live … how to endure such pain.

Love, Mel

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April 3, 2012 · 8:46 pm

Easter Preparations

Easter is almost here … crazy.  I naturally think about what we were doing last year.  Last year Doug and I were so excited to bring the triplets up to Green Bay for the first time.  I remember their matching “My First Easter” onesies.  I can remember taking tons of pictures as it was the first time many of Doug’s relatives had met the new babies.  Then I remember printing the photos for the boards at Owen’s funeral … that quick a happy memory is brought back to reality.

I’m not really sure how I feel about Easter.  We are going up to Green Bay again to visit Doug’s family.  I might be the only wife who gets excited to see her in-laws :)  I don’t have an extended family to offer my kids and family is so important.  My heart is so happy seeing Jaden run around with the cousins and having so much fun.  I’m really glad Doug agreed to make the drive up again this year.

In the same breath I fear doing the same thing.  Will Owen’s absence feel greater by being in the same house?  With the same people?  Every second of reality being echoed by a memory of what used to be.  I welcome the pain.  It’s how I know I’m still alive – I feel.

The hype of the one year anniversary continues to build.  I’ve been thinking of what I want to do to honor the day.  I don’t want it to pass like just any other day.  There are people who I think of every day that should be recognized.  I still think of the paramedics who flooded the nursery sometimes when I walk in to change a diaper.  I picture the view from the ambulance front seat when I drive past the fire station on my way to the grocery store.  There is no escaping these memories and flash backs.  The come without warning and leave a trail of raw pain.

I’ll figure out a way to remember Owen in a special way on Easter.  I still have a few days to figure it out.  To prepare myself for what I may or may not feel/think.

Here are a few of my favorite pictures from last Easter.  So much life and wonder in these.  I miss Owen.

(Logan, Owen, Weston)

My sister just bought the boys’ Easter outfits – just wait to see what they’ll have on this year.  I’ll be posting pictures for sure!

Love, Mel

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March 26, 2012 · 4:00 pm

Thank You for Making the Easter Bag Project a Success!

To say that the Little Warrior & Supermoms of Ascension’s event this past weekend was a success would be an understatement!  We had about 40 kids with their parents come and join in on the fun.  There were members of my church, those who have participated in previous Little Warrior events, a daisy troop – families of all kinds!  I was amazed at how many people were brought together to serve the same purpose.  At the end of the day we made 238 completed bags for the Hope Center.  There are a ton of items also being donated on their own.  Not to mention we raised about $140 in our bake sale!

I want to thank each and every one of you who donated your time and money to this project.  Even if you donated your secret stash of hotel shampoos and conditioners – thank you!  Not only have you made a difference in a stranger’s life, but you also helped keep Owen’s fight alive.  He fought for ‘life’ while he was here on earth, and we are continuing to fight for what is ‘good’ in his memory.

I can’t describe what goes through my mind during these events.  I suppose it’s a lot of things – what needs to happen next, are my kids being behaving?  But it’s also this sense of calmness and knowledge that I am where I’m supposed to be.  Running these events brings me such joy and purpose out of life.  I’m honored to have this opportunity and instrument to use in life.  Thank you so much for helping me feel meaningful.

I was one proud mama this weekend!  Owen, I love you – mom is proud of you!

Love, Mel

Here are some pictures from the day:

 

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March 21, 2012 · 10:34 pm

The Hunger Games

So I am a huge nerd and am totally excited for the movie Hunger Games to come out on Friday. I read all three books in a few short weeks when I was pregnant with the triplets. I remember being at the lake house making plans to see the movie when it came out. And now it’s here.

Funny how I could barely imagine myself going to the movie … I had no idea what was going to happen over the next two years. I couldn’t imagine myself here after Owen died either. I mean I knew a day would come when there would be pure happiness again … I also remember not being able to imagine how it would feel. How could the pain I feel possibly ever go away? It’s so strong and so vivid it’s something that I’ll carry forever. And in a way I do. I think about Owen every day … Almost all of the time. But the pain isn’t as sharp.

I found myself sad when I saw cute boys hats at Target that came in only three colors … Orange, blue and green. They would have been perfect. But I didn’t buy them. If I didn’t have three heads to put them on I didn’t want them at all. Its always unexpected when grief decides to make a quick visit.

I also thought today how happy I was that Owen was able to give his heart. I was happy for Josie and her family …. Without any pain of my own mixed in. I rejoiced in the blessing that God gave to this world. I say world and not just Josie and her family because every person that Josie continues to touch is also blessed by God’s miracle. It’s exponential. It’s not just about Owen anymore … It’s about Josie and her story. And I feel honored to be linked in this way.

The Hunger Games makes me think of Owen … A weird connection. I vividly remember being beached …. Literally I needed help to get out of it … On a water raft in the pool at the lake house. I remember being pregnant with three babies. Three kicks, eating for three … Everything was three. The pain isn’t sharp … But rather a dull throb. A reminder that one of my sons is missing. I miss him every day and I suppose I always will.

Love, Mel

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