Lasts

I helped with Owen’s care for one of the last times tonight. I can’t remember the last time I saw his eyes full of life. My last memory of him is when he was sleeping his his bouncy chair. My sister fed him and tucked him into bed. The only eyes I see are lifeless and empty. While on the phone with 911 I looked down and saw only empty.

The second and last test will happen some time around 6pm tomorrow. Things will move quickly after that. We agreed on a do not resuscitate plan for tonight. If his heart decides to say “I’m done” there isn’t really a reason to keep him going. We would no longer be doing things in support of him but rather to him.

Since we are donating what we can, they will be taking him still on the ventilator.

I’ll have to watch doctors take my breathing child with a heart beat away from me, never again to return in flesh to me. This is all logical, they can’t let him stop breathing until they have what they need. Yet, this was not in my thought out plan.

Doug made a comment that we’d be home tomorrow night. It didn’t even occur to me that when it’s over, we go home.

I think of stupid stuff. Like what will I wear to the funeral…skirt or pants, flats or heels. Where will we eat afterwards? Will the room be large enough? How will I find the strength to greet everyone or stand that long? How quickly can I sell the triplet strollers? I’m going to burn his crib. Where should I buy a double stroller from?

I feel horrible for thinking of things like feedings will be easier, I can feed two babies at once. Or that loading up the boys for outings will be easier since I can fold the captain chair down. How horrible that I’m thinking how my life could be easier with one less baby. My thoughts make me sick. Yet I can’t seem to stop them, they just come.

I want to cry. I want to sob and cry out. I’m pissed though. Really pissed. I’m angry for what has happened.

My life has been an adventure. Car accident & flight for life, bells palsy, kidney infections, triplets, etc. You know what makes me feel the worst? That I had to drag my family and friends through all of this. Because of me, my 16 year old brother knows the loss of a child. I was the vessel that allowed both the gift and taking of a nephew. Me? I know my shoulders can bare it. It’s not fair that those I love have to feel the burden of my trials.

Enough. I need to stop my brain and rest, even if it’s just for a little.

Love, Mel

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67 Comments

Filed under Hospital Stay, Mommyhood Meditations

67 responses to “Lasts

  1. mona

    i am praying for your peace tonight, i am so sorry this has happened to your family, it’s ok to be angry among other thing, but God loves you, please God wrap this family in your arms and help them through this time

  2. I wish I could donate a person for you to direct your anger toward, someone who deserves it because you certainly don’t deserve the anger or blame you feel for yourself.

    Your triplety family is in my thoughts and prayers. Owen is in my thoughts and prayers. Be kind to yourself.

  3. Sarah

    Those around you will help you bear the burden because of their love for you! Just know that there are so many of us praying for you and your family during this impossible time.

  4. Arin

    Mel,
    I am praying for strength for you. Nothing will be easy. You once told me, when someone tells you it will be OK, you can say bullshit. It will never be the same, it will never be OK, but you will move on and learn to live with the pain. Someday, maybe, you will laugh out loud and then cry again at the memories.

    You are strong and when you think you can’t move and the anger comes back, your family and friends will be there to support you.

    Thinking of you often.
    Love Arin from Arizona

  5. Marcy Fluhr

    Mel – I needed to make a post for you here. Even though we don’t know each other except for FB, your blog, and our knowledge of what you are going thru (our similar loss was in March – which you know). You DID NOT “drag” your family and friends through “all of this”! They LOVE you and SUPPORT you through “all of this”. They will continue to love and support you. We love and support you! My husband said he feels like we’re friends based on what I have shared with him from your blog and your circumstances! You and your family will always be in our thoughts and prayers! Lean on your family and friends as much as you need. They will be there for you! And again, you have our information if you need to talk with someone who has experienced it.
    Love,
    Marcy & Shanon
    Zander, Parker, & Angel Avery

  6. Tamara Whelan-Malone

    I don’t even know what t say as I sit here sobbing for you, with you. Please, please, please, do not beat yourself up over such things. Our brains go into a defense mechanism, survival mode. I was just looking at all the photo shoots and even though I don’t know you, I feel connected to you somehow. I wish I could just freeze time so you could catch your breath. Grieving is a process. Be kind to yourself. Reach out. Say how you feel. There isn’t a soul that I have “met”on your blog that will judge you. Imagine us tightly circled around you holding your weight, physically and emotionally, all as one. Hold on Mel, all of your nous need you. Praying hard for you tonite…

  7. Lisa

    Melissa,
    Please do not be so harsh on yourself. Grief does very bizarre things to people and their thinking. What you are thinking and feeling is normal. It’s your brains way of trying to rationalize and make things make sense- to make things better. While I do not know you, the love you feel for your entire family oozes out of all your writing. If there was ever something I was so sure of is that Owen was loved. Very, very loved. Owen KNOWS he was loved. That sweet boy was loved by so many people!! So many people who did not know him, but heard of his story through others. I will pray for your peace and strength to get through this. You are surrounded by people who love you too. No one blames you. It was through you you showed others unconditional love, you showed the intense bond between a mother and child, you showed people that hope and faith matter- and miracles can still happen-even if they are not your own. The lessons you have taught me through your writings will stay with me. You have touched me and so many others without actually meeting us. I wish there were words to help alleviate the pain you are feeling, I wish there was something I could do to help fill the whole in your heart. I will continue to pray for you, your husband and your boys.

  8. Sara and Mike

    Mel,
    You have always been here for your family and friends and likewise, we are here for you. Do not think of this as a burden on those you love. We all wish we could turn back time, change this, fix it, make everything well again for you. However, the fact is that we can’t, so we offer our support, our love and our prayers. You have been a rock through everything — strong and steady. It’s ok to take some time, let go, be emotional… we are here to listen, to help and be leaned on.
    Take care of yourself and get some rest. Remember to take one day at a time…. We love you.

  9. I just want you to know that I’m praying for you all…..Little Owen will be healed….if not here on earth…..in Heaven….May God Bless you and your family!!!

    Hugs,
    Holley

  10. tina

    Mel,
    You are a remarkable woman and mother. It is shown in your posts and your life. You have inspired me to be a better mother and not take this precious life for granted. Owen changed everyones lives. Don’t blame yourself for thinking these thoughts. You are doing something no mother should go through. My sister sees you as family that means you are my family. Everyone is here to support you however you need through this time.
    With love,
    Tina

  11. Jennifer Gonzalez

    Mel,
    I just heard about Owen today and I have been in tears all day. You and Owen have touched so many lives from your friends, family and strangers like me. What you are going through, no one should ever have to go through, but you are showing and teaching us so much courage and faith tonight. Owen and your boys are blessed to have you for a Mom. Owen, you and your family are in our prayers. Having your triplets is a miracle, I am praying so hard for another one tonight. My triplet girls prayed a special prayers for Owen tonight. God Bless.

    Love,
    Jennifer P.

  12. stephanie

    Your not a bad mom for think any of things you are. Its how your brain is copping with your lose. Plus im sure every mom go threw trama like the lose of a baby thinks things that they dont comprahend!

  13. kathy herriage

    Mel-
    every day will have many Owen moments. I remembers. tears. even laughter. you may not believe that now. some days will go by just on autopilot. Faking for the babies that mommies not hurting or sad. Owen is a part of who your family is regardless of if hes here or in heaven. Rt. now just put 1 foot in front of the other. Dont burn or throw away owen stuff. Rather store them for now. maybe a few months. When you are stronger Then you can donate to the single mom out there that has nothing. Or a shelter. or a daycare. Owen will never be gone. He has touched peoples lives thru your blog. Thru your friends. The hospital. The Donor recipients. You have taken away the heartache of many mothers who have children in peril. Owen lives on.

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  15. You are honest and real and kind and human.
    My heart breaks for you all and I pray for you daily.

  16. Praying for you and your family today. I followed a link Stephanie Guinn posted and although I can offer you no words that can make any of this remotely better, know that there are people out there praying for your peace and wellbeing.
    I’m so sorry for your loss.

  17. Thena Stevens

    Dearest Melissa,
    I am here for you. I will still come on Tuesday’s to help with the babies and visit. I want you to know that you are an amazing person and Mom! I love you and your family. Everyone is behind you to help and support you and your family. Your friends and family are here for you! We care about you! We want to be a part of your world. We have chosen to be here because we love you and your family.
    Love,
    Thena

  18. Tiffany

    ((hugs)) I’m so so sorry. I know these trite words will not take the pain away at all, but know that I continue to pray that you are surrounded by peace and love. If you ever need anyone to talk to who understands this pain, please feel free to email me (canesgirl115@yahoo.com).

  19. Jackie

    It’s ok to be angry, but don’t think you are burdening your family. You blessed them with a beautiful angel. Family is there with the sole purpose to love and support you through everything – good and bad. Your brother is uncle to four beautiful nephews and now he has a dedicated angel to watch over him through high school and college – what teenager doesn’t need that?

    Your thoughts are normal, rational and eventually God will bring you peace and acceptance. It won’t be “ok” but it will be better.

    I am keeping my light on for Owen until he is a miracle shining through others. Through them he’ll walk with us and watch over you. Continue to be strong and know he is with you, loving you, and thanking you for the chance to be that miracle.

    I love you! I pray for you. I pray for Owen. Take care of yourself and your family as you get through this together.

  20. Mel, Doug, Jaden, Weston and Logan,

    I heard about your story from a friend of mine, a relative of yours; Laurie Hoffman.
    My heart cries for you. The sadness is almost overwhelming. I say almost because a part of me knows that even though little Owen’s life here on earth may soon be ending, his life will never truly be over. He will live on in other children, making other families dreams come true. His life will become the miracle that other little lives so desperately need. Prayers will be answered because of Owen. He will become that little angel with beautiful wings watching over his family. He’ll become the cool wind on your cheeks, the warm kiss of the sun and the rainbow of love that lights up the sky after a rain storm.
    I’ve been reading a book called The Medium Next Door: Adventures of a Real-Life Ghost Whisperer written by Maureen Hancock. I find it so fitting that this is the book I’m reading as I learn about your family and the fight that you all so bravely battle together with unwaivering faith and love. When the time is right, and only you will know when that is, I highly recommend you read this book. I know in my heart that it will bring you peace, joy and guidance during this difficult time.
    Your family has been and will continue to be in my prayers.
    From my family to yours- I’m sending warm hugs and loving prayers.
    ~Sarah Rice

  21. Jessica

    I wish there were words to say to make everything better. I don’t know your family personally but from your blog I can tell you were a wonderful mom, and your boys were all so very happy. I’ll never understand why things like this happen? Why a sweet little baby? The only thing I can come up with is some angels are to precious to stay. Your family is in our thoughts and prayers. We pray you find comfort and peace.

  22. Cindy

    I am praying for you and your family.

  23. Shawna

    Melissa,
    There is nothing I can say that will make this better or that will take the pain away, but I want you to know that I’ve been following your words for days and living with your hopes and your heartbreak. You are loved and you have prayers surrounding you. You are also human and thinking very human thoughts. You are a wonderful mother and you have a right to all of your feelings, good and bad. I am praying for your family and your grieving process wherever that takes you. God Bless You for your strength and your weakness, too. I am so sorry for your pain and your family’s loss.

  24. May you open your eyes to the love that is around you. Soak up the love others are trying so desperately to give you, and not shut out those that mean the most to you during this time of loss. Your story is powerful. Let God use you to help yourself and then help others to grow stronger. You are so loved. Don’t forget that.

  25. Mary Ann

    My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. The loss of a child is the worst thing that can ever happen to parents. Owen is blessed to have such a wonderful mommy and daddy. It is in God’s hands. Trust in him.

  26. Teri

    There is a book-The Fall of Freddy the Leaf by Leo Buscaglia. It is a tender story about life and death. It is a child’s book but applies to all of us. It would be a good book for Jaden, and Logan and Weston when they are older. It will be helpful for you and Doug too. It will comfort you at this very hard time. I’m praying and thinking of your family. You are a beautiful writer and your blog shares with us your deepest feelings as if we are all close friends. It is a part of grief to blame yourself and think beyond the moment. Owen will be remembered by so many people who have never met him. Even though his life was short he will live on in peoples hearts and in the children his life will save. May the love of God and family and friends (known and not known) give you strenght and peace.

  27. Megan

    I love you. ❤ you and your family are in my prayers. <3<3

  28. Bobbie

    Melissa, I do not know you. I have found your blog from a friends facebook. I am so sorry for trials that you are facing. I beleive that God does not give us more than we can handle. I commend you and your husband for seeing beyond your heartache with Owen and that you want to make a miracle happen for another heart broken family. That takes a strong, loving mother to her help another mother. I pray that Owen’s journey will be quick and that he will become one of God’s angels.

  29. Hannah

    For this reason I bow to my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith-that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:14-19

    Praying for you and your family.

  30. I found your blog through Facebook (Maureen Boyle). I lost my little boy 9 days after birth. His death was different- I didn’t get a chance to get to know him like you did Owen. I loved him of course but I didn’t know him. My quads were born at 27 weeks so I also knew we would have struggles… He had the most severe brain bleeds on both sides- the worst any of the docs had seen. We were dealing with brain dead too. I don’t even know you but I’m crying for you!
    Do not worry about burdening your family and friends. They will all be stronger after it- your brother included. My brother in law was not that young but he was in the room too with James’ last breaths too. Your family feels it with you but you need them there and they need each other and you.
    You will never “get over” this…maybe make peace. This is how I feel with James at least. I think about him every day and I know you will with Owen even 20 years down the road.
    I am thinking about you and your family. Good job on donating also, what a gift!
    Martha

  31. Mary

    My heart breaks when I read your blog. I have cried more in the past couple of days, and yet I have found more love in those days too. I, like so many others, have come to know you and your family through others, and yet the love that has been shared is amazing. Owen has touched so many hearts. And your faith and trust in the Lord has inspired me. And that faith will maintain you. It is ok to be mad at God right now, he will understand. That is what mothers do..we fight and protect and want to do what we feel is best for our little ones. Owen will live on always in your heart and in our hearts. None of us will ever be the same for having known Owen’s story. It is not the ending we had hoped for…we just ask for strength to accept what is.
    May you, your family and friends find peace. You are loved.

  32. Sue Steldt

    Melissa,
    You are so strong, even when you don’t feel like you are!! It is awesome that you have this place to write and say exactly how you feel. This is what will help get you thru the pain, anger, happiness, struggles, everything (including which bedspread or what clothes to wear!) That is great, don’t stop. So many people are here to support you, you didn’t drag anyone into this with you we chose to be here for you and your family. Continued prayers for you and everyone. “Let your hope keep you joyful, be patient in your troubles, and pray at all times.” Romans 12:12

  33. Angie Grows

    Mel – you can be as angry as you want – I am angry for you. but like I said on your FB page, don’t EVER feel like you are a vessel that caused people pain – you are FAR from it – you have brought life to this world and that life will save other lives. I sit here just screaming in prayer for you and bawling my eyes out..have been all week. I can’t begin to fathom the emotions you and Doug are feeling.

    We pray for blessings
    We pray for peace
    Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
    We pray for healing, for prosperity
    We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
    All the while, You hear each spoken need
    Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

    Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
    What if Your healing comes through tears
    What if a thousand sleepless nights
    Are what it takes to know You’re near
    What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

    We pray for wisdom
    Your voice to hear
    And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
    We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
    As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
    All the while, You hear each desperate plea
    And long that we’d have faith to believe

    Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
    What if Your healing comes through tears
    What if a thousand sleepless nights
    Are what it takes to know You’re near
    And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

    When friends betray us
    When darkness seems to win
    We know the pain reminds this heart
    That this is not, this is not our home
    It’s not our home

    Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
    What if Your healing comes through tears
    And what if a thousand sleepless nights
    Are what it takes to know You’re near
    What if my greatest disappointments
    Or the aching of this life
    Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
    And what if trials of this life
    The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
    Are Your mercies in disguise

    Mel – this world is not our home – and you will one day be with that sweet Owen again. Much love to you during this time.

  34. Jamie

    Just wanted to let you know again, just as many have said before, please do not think you have brought your family through this. No one ever expects this to happen to them, and it is ok to think about things the way you do it is completly normal. My cousin lost a baby a few years ago and she was saying the same things. Talk as much as you want, your family, your immediate friends and all those out here are willing to just listen even if it doesnt make any sense at all, or if you just need to scream or just need a dry shoulder to cry on. Someone will always be there. Please know that so many are out there for you. I think you do know that…. light is still shining…. I pray for you and your family and for that baby boy who is going to give life to others. You are an amazing, strong woman and I feel so blessed to know you and stay with your faith Mel….
    Love, Jamie

  35. I’m so sorry. Your reactions sound so normal, and I admire your strength in donating Owen’s organs for other families’ miracles. May you and your family have peace.

  36. Brittney Tarmann

    Melissa, I’m really sorry about everything that’s happened. My whole family has been praying for you. This was never, and never will be, your fault. God is always with you. I’ll continue praying for your family to have peace.

  37. rob

    Mel,

    I want to cry with your family even though we dont know each other. There is only one thing i can offer you – the only physical thing you know to be true. The only thing that has power, the only thing that breaths life, the only thing that truly comforts you……Gods Word. Luke 2:49 is the story of the prodigal son and in it the son returns to his family. His mother turns to him and asks him “why have you treated us like this. Your father and I have been anxiously searching for you” The son replied “Why were you searching for me? Didnt you know I had to be in my Fathers house?”
    I truly dont know what to ask God for you…I have prayed that God would use this opportunity to show His might…but would it be for us to see…or rather for His Will to be done. Right now you may be praying for a miracle….and across town another family could be praying for one as well. Thats a hard thing to comprehend – that someones death can become someones life. I have 3 children and cant even imagine the heartbreak.
    God is real. His Love in unconditional. His mercies are new and He WILL see you through this time. Your story has touched my life and for this you can thank your God.

    Miracle……your on your way

    Rob

  38. Heather Snover

    Melissa, You and Doug and your families are all in our constant prayers. Please know that everything you are thinking and feeling is normal. I have been there. You are not the cause of any of this, nor burdening your family and friends. Let them love and support you. There are people out there who are not afraid to talk to you about this. Feel Jesus’ arms around you and rely on Him for your strength. I am a member of Ascension that you have only met in passing, but I care for you as a sister in Christ.

  39. Kara

    I am so sorry for the pain and sorrow that you, your family and friends are experiencing right now. The pain that a mother feels when their child dies is undescribable. My husband and I had a daughter pass away almost three years ago. I am crying for you, my heart aches for you. Lean on everyone around you, that is what they want you to do. It is okay to feel however you are feeling at that moment, and make sure you let yourself feel. It is okay to cry and scream. It is okay to laugh the first time you want to. There is not a right and wrong way to grieve, only your way. I wish you strength and peace as you say goodbye to your Owen.

  40. Amy Scales

    Mel,

    I can’t even begin to tell you how my heart is breaking for you right now or how brave I think you are for sharing your story. I could try and say something comforting but lets face it there are no real words to heal this hurt all I can say is that I’m sending lots of love and good thoughts to you and your family as you try and find your way out of this maze of sadness. None of the things you’re feeling or thinking now are wrong..they are all true and honest. All my love!

  41. my heart bleeds for you and you are in my prayers. It is well

  42. sarah

    I am praying for you and sweet Owen. I am praying for strength for you and this journey you are on.

  43. Leah

    Melissa,
    Continue to use your faith in God to guide you through this most difficult time. Your love for your family shines through even in the moments of your greatest pain. Your thoughts are appropriate because you are living in the moment of things which is the way God wants you to live. God works in mysterious ways and this pain is in it’s own way a gift for all those who love you and a reminder that God loves us and is constantly teaching us in ways which we may not be able to comprehend. You have chronicled Owen’s life beautifully through your blog and will have all of those special memories to help you through this time. I pray for your peace, someone out there will be thanking you for your selfless deed of helping them have a second chance. Keep your light on and continue to teach others including your brother that life is deeper than we can ever imagine.
    Leah

  44. Katrina

    Owen would want you to acknowledge all kinds of feelings, as they are normal. Those thoughts of feedings being easier, traveling easier. They may seem selfish and horrible to you, but perhaps those realizations are really gifts that Owen is giving to you, with all his love. It is okay to acknowledge that your life will be easier in some ways. Doing that does not reflect how you feel about Owen, and the ways that life will be easier will always pale in comparison to the difficulty you all have faced. Will you accept these gifts as Owen’s way of giving what he can back to the family?

  45. Oh Mel, I have no words. We do no know each other, but I, like so many others, feel profoundly touched by your story. So much sadness yet so much love. So many prayers, yet so much continued heartache. I am so amazed that you can look at the bigger picture – the prayers of other parents will be answered today. I sicerely wish you could meet them and feel their greatfulness. Maybe someday you will, and maybe that will help you find peace. You are an amazing person. You really truly are. I just want to reach out and give you a huge bear hug. Our babies are close in age (my girls – twins -are 7 months old) and I just can’t fathom what you must be going through. Life is so precious, and often way too short. I am so sorry your Owen was taken from you. I sincerely wish there was something I could do to take away your pain or something I could say to provide you comfort. I know there is nothing. Please know that you have many many many people praying for you and your family and lifting you up. You will never be alone. I will continue to leave a light on for little Owen. . .

  46. Audrey

    I’m not sure how I found your blog, but I have been following along the last few days and have prayed for your miracle. I can’t help but comment on how raw and honest and heartbreaking your feelings are. I don’t know how you’ll release your breathing baby over, but the fact that you are willing to help another family/families avoid this unthinkable tragedy is to be admired.

    I don’t know if it’s appropriate to share or not, but this morning, shortly after catching up with your posts, I learned that one of my good friends is having her very first baby boy this very morning. He’s 15 days early. It struck me that perhaps, not only is your Owen going to live on in the many, many children that he’ll help through organ donation, but maybe, his little spirit has been reborn in some other sweet babies as well.

    I hope that your blogging community can help navigate you through these most difficult days to follow. Praying for your heart!

  47. Tara

    My friend Jessica posted your blog on Facebook and I’ve been following it several times a day. I have no idea what to say to you. Nothing anyone says or does can make you feel any different than you do. These are feelings and thoughts that only you know and own. Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel because it’s ok to feel any way that you do. I believe I speak for all of us that we wish we could somehow comfort you and make you understand that this is not something you did or a punishment for something. This is not your fault. I have no clue what you are going through. I don’t know how you are getting through it. In the minutes, hours, days… weeks and months ahead… know that you are not alone. Through your thoughtful and selfless gift of Owen, you have connected all of us. Your story is weaving a web to support you. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to ask for help in any way that you need. Even people you’ve never met are weeping with you and enfolding you with love as best as they are able. You are not alone. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  48. Jody

    I didnt get to meet Owen, nor did I get to hold him. But he has gotten a hold of my heart. Today, I cry for you. My heart weighs heavy imagining the pain you are feeling. No parent should ever have to feel that kind of pain. I am so sorry, Melissa.. I know my words are trivial at this time. I wish there was a magic wand I could waive for you to make all this disappear and you go back to your “normal” life. I wish there was something, anything I could do that would ease your sadness. I pray that time will heal and fill your empty heart. My thoughts are with you and Doug and the rest of those who love Owen.

  49. Liz

    Melissa,

    I do not know you or your family, but heard about your story from a friend… we have been praying for you all this week, as you have journeyed through these last few days. I am weeping for you; as a mother, it is impossible not to imagine the anguish of your heart. Please know I will continue to hold you in my heart’s deepest prayer.

  50. Sitting here, sobbing, just thinking of the unimaginably strong and profound choices and decisions you’re facing and making. You and your husband is so courageous to consider organ donation. I am in awe of your compassion for others while you are in the midst of this heartbreak. I stopped by your blog two nights ago, and thought I’d come back when I’ve found the words. I’m still searching…

    As a fellow triplet mom, I want to tell you that you’ll always be one of us. Another triplet mom who has a child living in heaven, has said she simply answers, “They’re triplets. Their sibling is with their Father” when they’re out and about and people ask if they’re twins. I thought that was both brilliant in its simplicity and truth in honoring their tripletness and their sibling. It also doesn’t necessarily invite additional questions unless you wanted to go there.

    Holding you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

  51. My heart is aching for your family. Please know we are sending our constant thoughts and prayers.

  52. janetspillows

    I feel so sad that this has happened to you and your family. It’s horrible to feel helpless. I wish I could do more than just pray. I am still praying for a miracle. May God give you strength.
    xo
    Janet Bernasconi

  53. Anna

    You are a very strong and courageous woman. You are not going through this alone and its not your fault. Your family and friends are right by your side and together, all of you will make it through. I admire your strength and willingness to continue to share your life with others through your writings. I can tell you are a wonderful mother and wife and I’m sure your family is very proud of all that you have done for your family. Don’t ever lose your generous heart and free spirit. You will get through this.

  54. Amy Newman

    I got here from somebody, I don’t remember who.

    I am so sorry this is happening to you.

    I gave birth to triplets in 2009, and the day before I delivered we lost one of them. I went through some “strange” thoughts as well – I updated my registry to delete all the triple things I’d no longer need; I thought that we’d bought too big of a car (we’d gotten a large SUV); I thought my husband could get the double jogging stroller he’d always wanted; I worked. I think it’s the brains way of trying to protect yourself from what is coming. And, thinking that it will be “easier” with only two doesn’t make you horrible. The fact that it probably will be a tad easier is just a fact of life; it doesn’t mean at all that you aren’t upset at Owen’s passing.

    I’m sorry. If you ever feel the need to talk please contact me.

  55. Lisa

    Melissa – As a new mom, my heart breaks for you during this difficult time. I am praying for you, Owen, and your family. Your gift of Owen will allow him to live on forever in others.

  56. Liz

    I wish my words weren’t empty. I wish I could reverse time and stop all this for you.

    I appreciate how open and honest you’ve been in this blog. You are an amazing Mom. Your husband is an amazing father. Together you are all an amazing family. Your gift of life to so many others is beyond words.

    Your thoughts all seem normal. In a sense you are trying to find a way to rationalize it – life will be easier, helping others, etc., but understandably, you are a grieving parent. I don’t think there can be any “proper” way for someone to react in this situation. Your baby was and is precious. I can’t begin to imagine the pain you’ll feel when he’s wheeled away still breathing. I hadn’t thought of that. My heart breaks for you. You are doing a wonderful thing by donating his organs and yes, you should scream Owen’s story from the rooftops.

    I don’t even really know what to say. I am just sorry and sad.

  57. Kel

    Praying, praying, praying for your entire family. For peace, for strength, for courage, for an overabundance of love to be showered upon all of you. I am so very sorry.

  58. Amanda W.

    I have been praying every second of the day. I pray that your family will the strength with all your decisions with Owen and have strength with Jaden, Logan and Weston. Keep Strong and know that Love surrounds you and Owen. I am so sorry and this shouldn’t happen to such a happy baby; or any baby for that matter. I still believe in him!
    God Bless!
    Amanda

  59. I am so sorry. I hate that you are going through this. My girls and I have been praying for Owen, and we will continue to ask God to give you strength and guide you through this.

    Marie
    Mom to Anna, Ava and Alexis

  60. Sara C. Benesh

    Hi Mel,

    You don’t know me — I help found DPhiE when I was at SNC and I understand you were a part of that group too — but I’m praying for you and sending you positive energy and good thoughts. There are no words for what you’re going through. May God give you strength to get through it all. You are, through your words and your honesty, affecting other people profoundly, so that’s one positive thing, a gift, that has come of your heartbreak. One of my best friends, also a sorority sister, sent us all an email telling us she loved us and felt so blessed in her life and noted that your words this week have changed her. I thank her for sending me to read your story, and you for sharing it. I hope it’s good therapy for you. You certainly have many minds and many mouths thinking/praying/talking about you and your family. I hope that helps.

    Much love, Sara

  61. Jaclyn

    So sorry that you guys are going through this. I have had the thoughts that you have had when I lost my son. He passed away in his sleep when he was 14 months old. He was also a triplet. I would love to chat with you through email when you feel up to it. smacky81@yahoo.com

  62. Ashley Deavu

    The world is a richer place because Owen shared time with us on earth. You have spread that richness by allowing so many people to witness your heart wrenching experience through your writing. I am grateful. I am sad. I am touched by the depths of your consciousness and humanity.

  63. Rachel

    Today as I rocked my son, Oliver, to sleep a song came on the radio that we had played at his older brother, Jasper’s, memorial service. Of course the tears start rolling down my face because that is also the song that I danced to with Jasper’s little 5 lb. life less body in the hospital room after I gave birth to him. It has been 1 yr 4 mos 11 days since Jasper’s heart stopped beating and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of him and that bitter sweet time in my life (greeting my son for the first time and watching him leave us) Over time the wound is still raw but its managable.

    I’m so very sorry that you and your family have to go through this awful experience. Situations like this aren’t suppost to happen to children, especially babies. Accidents and illness are ment for people who have lived long and full lives, but God sees things differently. You are very strong and couragous to share your story like this. It took me time to come around with alot of help from my family. When people ask me how many children I have I proudly reply two. Questions may follow but remember that no matter what, you are always a mother of triplets.

    My family will be pray for you and your sweet little Owen and know that there is a super, special angel named Jasper pulling for him to make it through so he can stay with his loving family.

  64. Louise

    God is with all of you, always and forever. Trust Him and you WILL know His love and peace. The hole in your heart will never leave you, but the gift of Owen will always be close by.
    We must rejoice that our beloved children are together with God, sharing in eternal life, just waiting till we reunite with them.
    I pray for you!

  65. Alison

    I am just reading your story and my heart goes out to you. You are so strong. I wish you peace.

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