The doctors can’t find you. Your EEG is flat now, your heartbeat unchanging. Where are you? I thought I had found you…or did I just find hope? Empty hope now. The hope that would lift me up and let me fall.
Lord, I know you are here. I know you want me to live in the 2%. I believe. The truth is so heavy. I am not paralyzed. I am standing .. Standing in your presence and banging on heavens gates. Hold my hand. Hold my Owen for me when I cannot. I can hold his body … But you need to be the one to hold HIM.
Since he is off his paralyzing meds and the test show that he can make the nerve connections but isn’t … We start the tests to determine if he is brain dead. Those words taste like vomit on my lips. His heart can beat without his brain. But if his brain isn’t working, he’s just as dead as if his heart was stopped.
We test this afternoon and if the results aren’t good, we test again in the morning. If my nightmare is my reality, at that point we talk options. The kinds of options where some sort of good can out of this .. Donation. Ugh.
Doug and I can’t agree on what to eat for dinner or what bedspread to have at home, but about Owen, we are spot on. A miracle will be coming from the heavens tomorrow for someone .. Maybe my Owen and maybe not.
I believe in God, the father almighty. I believe in the holy spirit and the holy Christian church. I believe in prayer. I believe He answers prayers in His way. Let me be strong enough to handle His answer.