My prayers to Owen

You know the saying …

“If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it dosent, then it was never meant to be.”

What a crock.  Honestly I say that because I think I believe in it … which screams the fact that Owen was never really mine.  He is the Lord’s … he always was and always will be.

When praying over Owen’s bed I knew if he came back it would be hard.  Brain damage was almost certain and he wouldn’t have been able to live a ‘normal’ life.  I asked myself so many times “What would Owen want?  Would he want to come back to live a dificult life?”  And what kind of mother was I to pray he come back to live in a body that might be more of a prison?

With every ounce of my being I prayed that he knew I loved him enough to let him go.  As a mother I’ve only wanted my children to grow into the beings that they were meant to be.  I want them to be happy in their own skin and to pursue their life goals.  You want to be a ballerina?  Ok … how do I help you find your way?  You love science?  Let’s sign you up for an awesome summer camp.  I strive to embrace who they are and to bring out their best qualities.

I think back and wonder if I had been weaker would God have given me my son back?  If I had begged him to send him back would he have taken mercy on me? But I didn’t.  I prayed that his will would be done.  I prayed that Owen knew he could do what he needed to do.  I told him it would be alright if he didn’t come back.  Dad (Doug) and I would be ok.  We would pick up the pieces and live on – care for his brothers.  I told him that I loved him enough and hoped he would come back.  But I supported him if he couldn’t.

I knew better … I know he was still there.  But I knew he wasn’t coming back.  I didn’t want him to feel bad about leaving.  I wanted him to walk up to those gates of heaven knowing that we would be ok … I didn’t want him to be scared.  I wanted him to know how much I loved him … enough to let him go.

So here I am … with an empty place in my heart.  A whole in my soul.  But I love my kids and I know he heard me.  My son died knowing just how much his mother loved him.  I have to believe that … what else do I have?

Love, Mel

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11 Comments

Filed under Owen's Gone, Posted by Melissa

11 responses to “My prayers to Owen

  1. Valerie

    He does know! You are an incredible mother! God also knew that you were an incredible mother and that is why he sent Owen to you. I believe Owen still loves you and is watching over you and your family. God loves his children and never leaves them, and I believe he wants Owen to be able to comfort you when you need it. My prayers are with you and your family.

  2. Judy

    This is getting too difficult. Another of my friends lost her 2 mo. old day before yesterday. It is a post like yours today that sends the message of faith to everyone, and I hope it is through the prayers that so many people say for Owen and your and your family that keeps you all in His light. I can’t see the color orange anymore without thinking of Owen. It will never be just a color for me anymore. Thank you for your messages of hope and honesty.

  3. Kristina

    He most certainly knows how much you love him. You loved him so much that you let him go, one of the hardest things a parent could ever do. You provide unyeilding and unselfish love to all of your children. That is what makes you the wonderful mother you are and your boys are all very lucky to have you as you are them. Owen is your sweet special angel and will never be any further away from you than your heart.

  4. mel-
    You are so strong in your faith. I hope you really know that Owen knows you adore him. I feel your love through the words you type, in the tears you shed, in the smiles you offer to your boys…you are amazing. I believe there will be days when the “what ifs” will be heavy in your heart, but please know that Owen is safe, warm, smiling back at you from heaven.

  5. You are the bravest mother I can imagine. Love, blessing, and honor to you.

  6. Rachel

    You are supporting him in his choice. Its just much harder for everyone here than him. He wasn’t able to voice to you what he wanted to do in his life, like science or dance or music, but he is doing the most important work, and he knew that, he just couldn’t tell you yet. He is with God, he is helping Him in all the important work that needs to be done. He is guiding people through hard times, he is playing with other babies, and he is comforting everything mothers soul the best that he can. You have gotten out of bed and kept going as much as possible for your other children. That is not a sign of weakness, that is a mothers love and strength. And in those times that you feel you were weak or are weak, Owen will be holding your hand and comforting your soul. I was adopted, my biological mom gave me a choice and I love her for it, I have no doubt that she cries every year on my birthday and misses me just a little, but because she let me go, I have a wonderful husband, wonderful parents, and a job I love. The best mothers, know that at some time, they just have to let go. We don’t mourn for our love ones that have passed on, we mourn for those of us who are left behind. He is still with you, and I have no doubt he comes and visits with his brothers, he will always watch over you all.

  7. Dyan

    Mel,
    I have come to my computer at night, thinking you have posted and wait to read your words. PRAYING that your day has gone well. that you are finding comfort in your boys and in prayer. Wanting every day that you are able to speak as much as you want about your Owen, out loud to whom ever you chose to. Owen feels your strength i am SURE of it. Two years ago my mother passed from cancer. Shortly before her passing i asked her to please be there to greet my boys when they come to heaven. One of my boys was born with a congenital heart defect.(he has only half a heart). I don’t want him to be scared if he goes before my husband or I or his brothers. I know he won’t be scared really because he will be with God, BUT i want him to see a face of someone he has “seen”, and isn’t scared. Your family that has gone to God greeted Owen,comforted him,hugged and held him in thier arms when he went. We have had people close to us go to God. I keep thinking to myself, “the ONLY thing that seperates us is TIME.” that is the only thing. something as simple as that brings me comfort, and the fact that i know we will see them again. God is GOOD to us, and i know by the words that you write you are lifted up by prayer, you have found strength in others who are listening,loving, and praying for you and your family. My family, like so many others, are listening to you and getting strength from you. You are such a strong MOM to ALL YOUR BOYS. We all know how PROUD they are of you….especially your warrior Owen.
    We continue to hold you and your family close in prayer.
    Dyan

  8. Abbi

    I have to agree with Dyan. Your sweet Owen will be waiting for you! He is with those you already know and love!! I truly believe Families are Forever! They last far beyond this time here on Earth. You are such a great mom! Even though I do not know you personally I know you are great!

    Abbi

  9. Lindsay Waterman

    I just started following your blog yesterday, and went back a few months to read more so I would lnow what you were talking about. My heart cries out for you. I feel like all things happen for a reason, even when we can’t make sense of them. Owen’s life will continue on through your family, friends, and all who have read your blog. I hope that you will find comfort and that you will not lose your faith. God’s plan is perfect, and good will come from this. It already has. Thank you for continuing to share your story. I already have a deeper appreciation for the almost 2 years I’ve had with my own daughter so far, and a love for her that makes my heart hurt to think of not having her. Your blog has been a blessing to me, the mother of a healthy toddler, and I know that it will continue to be a source of comfort and strength for all who read it.

  10. Lezley

    You prove again and again how gracious and selfless you are. I am so proud of you!

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