1 Month Ago …

Now after a month I am flooded with questions … why.  Was I not a good enough mother? Did God look down and think, Melissa can barely handle triplets.  She doesn’t have the strength so I’ll give life to this other child instead.  A child of a more deserving mother.  Did I do something to deserve this?  Was God mad that I didn’t give the triplets enough attention or Doug and I fought too much?  Maybe God thought that Owen’s life deserved to be lived in a ‘quieter’ home.

I screamed in the car tonight … uncontrollable screaming.  I felt like a tea-pot bursting … screaming that god awful screech.  Only it was ugly.  A hideous sound.  Once I started, I couldn’t stop.  I was driving … driving the same road that the ambulance drove.  I screamed and cried and yelled all the way.  Remembering each intersection that was blocked by police cars.  Remembering the lights as we drove under them.  Glancing over my shoulder, watching the paramedics give Owen chest compressions.  Wanting to hear what they were doing, but not wanting to interrupt.  I kept thinking “he’s gone.”  My son died tonight.   I drove the same road tonight.  The difference?  I felt something tonight.  I felt a WHOLE lot tonight.  On May 21, I was strong, calm, numb.  Tonight I could barely see through my tears, my chest so tight I could barely breathe, my nose running, screaming, yelling just to let feelings out.

I want a new life.  I don’t want to do this anymore.  I don’t this life … I don’t want to be a grieving mother.  I don’t want to do this anymore.  It’s getting to hard, I want out!  Please just let me travel a different path.  Give this one to someone else … someone stronger.

I drove all the way to the hospital.  I parked the car in the parking lot outside of the ER.

I kept looking for a sign that God was with me.  I channel surfed the radio while crying in the parking lot of the hospital.  I half expected to hear a man’s voice telling me to be still, He was with me.  No such voice came on the radio.  I didn’t hear a message through the song lyrics.  I didn’t see an angel in the clouds.  I saw and heard nothing to let me know he was there with me.  It made me angry.  I have followed you faithfully.  I have not questioned your plan or your will.  I have praised you.  I need you now.  I need you more than when I felt you in the hospital.  Why are you leaving me alone when I am lost and angry?

I started driving home, wondering if Culvers was open so I could get some fries and ice cream.  No such luck.  I’d never make it in time before they closed.  I went back to the basics.  Jesus loves me, this I know.  For the Bible tells me so.  I know He loves me.  I feel alone, but I can’t be.  He wouldn’t …

All of these emotions came charging at me without any real notice.  They are real.  They aren’t fake … the words shared by others who mean well but really sound more like a Hallmark card.  These emotions are the ugliest truth, the harshest reality.  Raw, true human feelings.

I want to know where Owen is.  What is he doing?  What does his soul look like?  Is he alone … are there others there with him?  I could paint all different kinds of stories on what heaven is like, but I want to hear the word.  I want to read what Jesus and God tells us heaven is like.  I am searching for some kind of proof or evidence of what it’s like.  I know heaven is there … I just want to be able to picture where my Owen is.

Love, Mel

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68 Comments

Filed under Mommyhood Meditations, Owen's Gone

68 responses to “1 Month Ago …

  1. In the screaming there is healing. Don’t keep it in. Praying for your family in South Texas. I wish I knew what Heaven really looks like too.

  2. Kim

    Melissa,
    I have never known this kind of pain so I cant tell u you will get through this. I will share a friends story however. My friend Jill lost her daughter Xmas eve 1997 when she was a year old to a very rare blood cancer called histiocytosis. She had a son that was 3 i think at the time. She went to a support group for parents who have lost children for many years. They now have another daughter and life is good, i cant say there isnt something still missing. But shes told me before that eventually you are able to cope and move on. I think you are right where u are supposed to be at this time, mad as hell and questioning everything. I hope you have a group like this you can lean on, only those that have been in your shoes can truly understand all you are going through. stay strong for your boys, they need their wonderful Momma, dont EVER question that you are anything but!

  3. Pam

    Your posts have brought me a lot of peace- you are so beautiful and so strong. My heart hurts for you. Just know everything you feel is real, and validated. You will hurt for Owen your whole life. But, I believe with all my heart that Owen is a baby boy still- that he looks just like he did- chubby and happy- and that you will be given the opportunity to raise him up in Heaven. I know our Father in Heaven loves us, and made it so families can be forever always– Owen is up there looking out for you now, with Him…. love and peace to you ❤

  4. Diana

    I have been told about a book I have only read the first chapter of. It is called Heaven is for real. I don’t know if it will bring a piece together. but It’s all I have…

    • Kathleen

      Heaven is for Real is a very special book, and should be read by all! It’s amazing! And I think it will help this grieving mother to understand where her child is and how happy he is there. And how well cared for!

      • I just came here to tell you about this book and see that others had the same thought. My mother in law has mentioned it to me several times and today I immediately thought of you. Its a true story of a little boy’s near-death experience and what he saw in Heaven. He was able to describe to his parents relatives he met in Heaven who he had never met on earth, including his sister who his mom had miscarried (he didn’t even know about her at all before). I pray that it would bring you some comfort to read such an affirmation of our faith. I don’t understand how God works within us in such sadness, but I know He is mourning your loss with you. He loves you so much.

    • Janine

      I was going to suggest this book as well. This is an amazing glimpse into heaven.

      Mel, you do not know me, but I have been following your blog for some time. I am a mother of multiples also (2 sets of twins), and can’t even imagine what you are going through. I have been praying for you and know that He who began a good work in you is faithful and will complete what He has started.

      Thank you for allowing us to journey with you as you travel this hard road. Many tears have been shed for you, many prayers lifted, and many many lives touched. Continue to allow God to use you in the lives of others, even those you have never, and may never, meet.

      • Which book Heaven is for Real? There are 3 of them… one is about a little boy’s story of his trip to Heaven & back then there is another that is taken from the bible and a 3rd that is called Heaven is for Real: The Road to New Life… I am interested in reading the book you all are speaking of!! God Bless you Melissa, I can not imagine your pain but I love reading your blogs… I feel for you and your family & can imagine how hard it is to deal with a loss of a child!! I have 2 girls and can never imagine that kind of pain!

    • I just finished that book and yes it has brought me peace somewhat and I am hoping it does for you also. Please read it and finish it. It is what I think of now when referring to heaven!!

    • Jennifer

      I agree about reading this book. Anyone who has lost someone should read it. I think it may help. Heaven is for real is a wonderful book!!

  5. sarah

    I know this may seem like the expected comment but God has not forgotten you during this incredibly hard time. He is caring you through it. Its like the foot steps in the sand. At one point there are 2 sets of foot prints as they turn into one set of prints that is when God is carrying you though this time. You have every right to be angry. God understands. We will continue to pray for some sense of peace and comfort for your family on this exceptionally hard day.
    The Morales family

  6. Ruth

    Oh, the scream-cry. I have done that in my car, too. I lost my little one to miscarriage at 13 weeks. I imagine it can only be harder once you have held your child, known his personality, his smile…but the agonizing finality of loss is the same.
    I hear the book “Heaven” by Randy Alcorn is good. I imagine my little one is in Heaven, playing with the other lost little ones. I know she is happier there than here, she has seen Jesus. But it will hurt forever because I loved her so much already. Love costs us a lot…it would be easier to try & forget, but I want her to know how much she was loved already. I do think the lost little ones know about their parents, and what happened to them. Much love to you, I hope this hurt feels a little less painful every day, even though there will always be a scar.

  7. Kristin

    Your posts bring me to tears every time. You are so open and honest and your pain and grief is overwhelming to hear about, I cannot imagine living it. Just know that people are out there praying for you and asking God to put His strong and loving arms around you and just hold you and comfort you. He is there and He does not desert us, even though it may feel like it. You are an amazing mom and Christian and your faith is clear and evident in your blogs. Let yourself feel every thought and emotion. God understands.

  8. Please consider grief counseling, and speak with your doctor about possibly taking an anti-depressant short-term. Neither will take away your profound grief, but may provide you with enough relief to make each day bearable. xo

  9. sweet mel-
    i don’t have any words that will make this better, but i do have open ears. if you ever need someone to talk at, i’m hear. i won’t judge. i’ll cry with you, laugh with you. i’m here. i’m sorry.

  10. Mary

    Scream until you can’t. Get it all out for that moment, then do it again as you need to release it. Don’t bottle it up. Sweet Owen knows you loved him and he loves you still, from Heaven. It does seem like God abandons us when we are in our darkest hours. I try (and fail a lot) to remember the Footprints poem. He is carrying you right now. (((hugs)))

  11. Sometimes you can’t hear or see God, but he’s there nontheless. Read my own personal example if you’d like….
    http://bringingboryahome.blogspot.com/2011/03/lost-and-found.html

  12. Linda

    I went through (am going through) the same emotions after my husband’s death. Every day tears, and questions and more tears and then more questions. No one, but no one knows the pain you are going through. It’s pain, that I’m told will make us emerge stronger and more accepting. Reading has been my relief valve. Two books, one “Ninety Minutes In Heaven” and the second “Heaven is Real” provided me with information on what my loved one might be seeing and where he is. I have read the Bible from cover to cover (nearly finished with my third read), looking for answers to “why”, “where” and will I ever get to see him again? I keep finding new passages with each read, but am still searching for more definitive answers. Each day will eventually become easier. We are to remember, “God, doesn’t give us more than we can handle, and someday the purpose in all of this will surface and we will understand”. The fog will clear and days become brighter. Keep praying and devote your energy to your God, your husband and your children. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  13. Ann Gagnon

    Mel,
    I was going to recommend a new book, “Heaven Is For Real”, but I see that Linda already mentioned it. It’s a wonderful, hopeful book that was written by a father of a little boy who “died” on the operating table for 10 minutes. Over a period of years after his surgery, he would say things to his parents about things he experienced in heaven. He met people from his family that had died earlier and sat on Jesus’ lap. It’s a beautiful little book. I know you have a strong faith and are questioning God’s plan, but He IS with you and you’ll see that again.
    God bless you and your family.
    Ann Gagnon

  14. Jennifer Werner

    Melissa,
    Turn on 105.3 KLove next time. Everytime.

  15. I am so very sorry. Though our stories are different, the end is the same – we are both grieving mothers. I lost my daughter to preeclampsia at just over 6 months. I spent two days in labor just like any other Mom. I held my baby in my arms and then had to plan a funeral. I’m not sure there are words to describe the pain of losing your child. Because of that, I’ve prayed so hard for you, for strength. I would read your blog and see the strength you had at the time, and I prayed harder because I knew the grief hadn’t truly hit you yet. It’s not fair that anyone should lose a child, yet it happens far too often. Please know you are not alone. Allow yourself to grieve. Don’t hold it in and don’t try to be strong. That only makes it worse. Take time for yourself. Know that your husband may grieve differently than you and that’s ok. Know that there are lots of support groups and other women who understand the pain you feel. There will be times those women may be the only ones you can talk to.

    Please know that all the way over in Kentucky, you have a friend praying for you to find strength and peace to help you get through each day. If you ever need an extra ear, feel free to email me.

  16. Kathleen

    I agree with the others who have mentioned Heaven is for Real book. It may truly bring you some peace as it is information experienced by a 3-4 year old who actually went to heaven for a short time. It’s amazing and uplifting to have a glimpse of where Owen is and how well he’s being cared for, not only by Jesus, but by others who are there.

  17. These are difficult times Mel, and so often I remember feeling alone like that too an abandoned by God. And even though in my heart of hearts I couldn’t truly believe it, that was what my grieving heart was telling me at the moment. It’s okay to question, in the end it will bring you closer to Him and He is always there. I don’t have the answers the make your pain go away, but I do know that tomorrow is a new day. That’s all I felt I could do, feel what I felt and just get up to face the next day. Hugs to you mama, none of of us wants to walk this path of a grieving mother, but alas this is what we are asked to do. I don’t pretend to understand why. I hope that you have other grieving parents to reach out to locally. I am sure there are groups in your area, but we have several amazing groups here in Madison if you ever feel like you need the support.

  18. Deb

    I just want to let you know that I will continue to lift you and your family up in prayer. This road we travel is hard. I don’t have all the answers, but do believe that God does give us more than we can handle.. handle ALONE that is. Some days I need to pray for strength just to get through that minute… let alone the day. I imagine that there is a huge Owen size hole in your heart that nothing can or will ever fill. Cling to Jesus dear friend.

    My husband and I have found Nancy Guthrie’s books on loss and sorrow to be very helpful. The Guthrie’s story can be found on her site: http://www.nancyguthrie.com David and Nancy have lost two children… she understands.

  19. Eveline

    I can feel your anguish in this blog. It shows just how much you loved Owen. You are into grieving him now, past the numbness that allowed you to make it through the funeral. I pray for you, knowing the hole in your heart is there. We have never met, but I love you anyway.

  20. Jeanette Mercado

    I am so sorry u have to be going threw this. God is defenitely there with you a all times. It may seem very hard but he had given you the strength to continue to move forward and be there for you 3 other beautoful little boys. Screaming and crying is what you probably need, let it all out, i know its got to be hard to have lost Owen. we all love him so much just from everything u have shared with us. God bless u Mel, may god continue to give u the strength, he is defenitely here for you, and caring for Owen in heaven.

  21. The hole will not get smaller. Life will get bigger and make the hole look smaller.

  22. I am sure you have been asked before, but I usually just read your thoughts and not what others reply. Have you checked into support groups? So that you may be surrounded by others that do actually understand. Some churches have them, and if yours doesn’t, I am thinking that they would know where one is. You will find peace and companionship there…someone you can walk the road together with. Praying for peace for you.

  23. Teri

    Those raw, real emotions that come from the deepest part of us can be bone crushing in their strength. Coming in wave after wave, seeming like they’ll never end. Dark thoughts can accompany them causing doubt and fear. This is when it is easy to have guilt, rage, profound loneliness. It is easy to give up on God, to question him. Remember that he is your loving Father and would not punish you with the loss of your sweet baby Owen. Even if you can’t feel His presence he is there. Let those of us who love you pray for you now. This is too big a loss and you have shared it with a large community who share your grief even when it is raw and ugly. We lift it all up in prayer for you.

  24. LC

    We don’t know each other. I’m in Iowa and your story was shared with me through a friend. I have followed your posts and even gone back to post number one and read until today. To be honest, this is the post I have been waiting for. With each post I could sense your pain, though I don’t know it myself, and how much you were keeping it in. You needed this drive, this scream, and, little teapot, you needed to be tipped over and poured out. I feel like I am blubbering on and I have never even left a comment on here so I don’t know why now……this post made me feel you in my heart and in my gut. It was like I could hear you screaming and yearning for answers. I wish I had them. I will share a song that got me through many a painful night: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=leFeWxV8EUA&feature=related

  25. Lex

    I have been following your posts for some time now, and I must say you are such a strong woman. This post specifically tugged at me. My grandfather died about 10 hears ago, he and I were very close. It was so hard to accept the fact that he was gone. A few years after his death I went to the theater to see the movie “Big Fish”. I don’t know if you are familiar with the movie, but at the end the main character is nearing the end of his life and dreams of going to the lake he would always fish. Upon arriving at the lake every person in his life was waiting there to great him, they hugged and applauded hi arrival. He was no longer afraid and was full of pure happiness. The movie brought me to tears, so much so that I had to wear sun glasses out of the theater (at night) so people would not see me sobbing. The film made me think of my grandfather. As a friend was driving me home I could not stop crying and began to pray. I was praying to God, to my grandfather, asking for a sign that he was ok and at peace. Suddenly with out warning my tears stopped, it was as if the faucet was turned off. I began to smile, and had such an overwhelming feeling of love/peace/happiness/joy. And I heard my grandfather say to me “see, that’s how I feel everyday”. At that moment I was at total peace with everything. That silly movie had shown me how wonderful heaven is. It is a wonderful place surrounded by those who love you and complete happiness. Heaven is a smile, but not just a smile, the emotion of a smile, it’s a beautiful place. Because of what my grandfather told me, I now think of heaven with every smile. I hope you are able to find peace and comfort. Think of the happiness Owen feels at every moment in heaven, think of this every time you smile. Because that is how he feels. God Bless you and your family. Thank you for sharing your life with us, and for being so strong.

  26. Kate

    Mel,
    It sucks, and it’s not fair!!! It hurts and it will as long as you live. You did not do anything to cause this. I was worried when you didn’t write for so long, that things were building up. I agree that a support group or individual therapy may be where you need to be. Even counseling through your church. Don’t stop talking, don’t hold it in. We are bleeding for you and wishing we could make it all better. But it isn’t.
    Love,
    Kate

  27. Paige

    Mel,

    Oh how I wish you weren’t going through this. I don’t know if this would help, but I really like the book “Tears of Rage” by John Walsh. His son was kidnapped and murdered when he was six years old but what struck me about his story was that he and his wife went through the grief of losing their child but crusaded to make the world safer for children everywhere- it’s totally different from your story but the loss- sudden and abrupt is similar and I always find Walsh’s story uplifting in the sense that he found a way to turn something horrible into something good. I don’t know if it would help, and I don’t know the pain you know but perhaps the book might bring you some comfort.

    Sincerely,
    Paige

  28. Randi

    *HUGS* mel i’ve followed your story but haven’t ever posted. When i read this i wanted to say GOD IS REAL. Where you find him. Look into your children’s eyes. There is the love of god. The truth. There is the proof god lives! And somehow we go on. You are in my prayers! Always. Mother’s should not have to feel this loss but sometimes we aren’t so lucky. I Know that ugly feeling. The missing child wanting to know where he is. All i can do is pray. IF you ever need anything pls email me Lean on other’s they are your strength. WHen you can no longer walk god does hold you. LIke footprints in the sand.

    Randi

  29. Deb

    I started reading your blog because my brother and sister in law lost their 9 day old due to a heart defect. They are going through the same emotions as you. I read this post and felt strongly to tell you about what I believe in and what has given my in laws and family comfort. We are LDS. We believe families can be together forever. We believe there is life after death. And if we live worthily we will be together again. Our family seeks comfort in knowing that they will see the ones we lose again. Sorry if this is preachey, but you asked for comfort and this is what brings me comfort. Visit lds.org for more information. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings.

  30. I’ve been reading your blog for sometime…since you were in the hospital with Owen. I came across it through my cousin who had a link to your blog on her Facebook page. I’ve felt nudged a couple of times to write and leave a comment, but haven’t until now. I think I haven’t written because the words seen too inadequate. I haven’t read what all others have written to you but I feel remiss in not mentioning a terrific Christian resource. It’s called Stephen Ministry. I don’t know if you are familiar with it but in case you aren’t I’ll explain a bit. Stephen Ministry is a ministry that some churches have. If yours doesn’t, maybe one close to you does. If you’d like to know more or want more info or help, I’d be happy to help you find the resource. Basically, it’s one-on-one Christian care. The care giver (Stephen Minister) is a lay person who will walk along side you through your grief and all that goes with it. Both you and Doug could have your own Stephen Ministers. You and Doug will go through some of the grief together and lots of it separetely and differently. Stephen Ministry could be very helpful for you both. This person can help answer some of your hard questions, possibly speak from experience, and just listen and be there for you. It’s all confidential. I pray for you and your family. I am a big reader. I only mention the following books because for me other people’s stories have helped me better understand my story. I know some have mentioned some of the books…90 minutes in Heaven, Heaven is for Real (haven’t read but have heard it’s good), A Grace Disguised, and Shattered Dreams. Praying for you.

  31. Julia

    Mel,
    I have been reading your posts as I walk my own path of grief and mourning – not the same circumstances as yours but deeply painful all the same. I suspect with three busy boys you have precious little time to read … however, the following books are all available on audio CDs from christianbook.com. I have personally read them all and highly recommend each one. Books about heaven: HEAVEN by Randy Alcorn (Biblical answers to so many questions about what heaven is really like), HEAVEN FOR KIDS by Randy Alcorn (simplified –yet Biblical answers to the questions that kids most often ask – this book is geared toward kids older than Jaden – but provides the resources for you to be able to further simplify the answers for him), and HEAVEN IS FOR REAL by Todd Burpo (description of heaven as seen/experienced by a four year-old boy). And the final book is called WORKING IT OUT by Abby Rike. Abby reminds me a lot of you in terms of strength and faith. You may have seen her story on The Biggest Loser. Her book starts with the day she lost her husband, her beautiful five year-old daughter (and my daughter’s friend) Macy, and her 18 day-old baby boy to a tragic head-on collision. The book is Abby’s description of her own walk through the valley of the shadow of death and how she made it through. It is also available as an audio version – but not through christianbook.com.

    Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted. Matthew 5:4
    Praying for comfort – as you walk this difficult road.

    With love from Texas,
    Julia

  32. Patty

    I agree with so many others that the book Heaven is For Real is a great read and I highly recommend it…but not only because you will find joy in learning about Heaven and how much Jesus loves the children and how well Owen is taken care of but because the author Todd Burpo, Colton’s father is a pastor, and even Pastor Burpo was questioning God and yelling at him….your questions are normal and even pastors who go through the loss or illness of their children yell at God. We are imperfect beings and God knows that…don’t look so hard His signs will show themselves to you. Listen to Owen speak to you in the rain, may the drops be your lullaby and comfort.
    You ARE a wonderful mother and Owen is so lucky to be loved by you…Weston, Logan and Jaden are so lucky to be being raised by you, and Doug is a lucky man to get to share everything with an amazing woman like you. I pray for you and your family daily, may the Grace or Our Lord be with you all, and may He help you to know that He has great plans for you. God Bless.

  33. sherry merritts

    Dear mel,
    No pictures to be seen, you just have to imagine and believe in your heart that God is beside you and taking good care of your precious Owen. Until you meet again,enjoy the sweeter memories of your little Owen !

  34. Leslie

    Mel….you go ahead and scream and cry and be angry…no hallmark card here. Life sucks! But once you are done crying and screaming…you will realize that life is also wonderful…and you may not know the reasons for things…or what the flipping plan is….but some day…maybe soon or maybe not until you are a grandmother…there will be a moment of peace and you will know. Give your boys all your love, they are here and they need you….because sometimes life sucks. I send you my positive thoughts and prayers…stay strong…you have so much to be strong for. I wish I lived closer so I could come over and scream with you and then give you a hug.(((mel)))…Leslie

  35. Kathleen

    I wish I could say something that would give you some comfort. Just know that there are many people that you’ve never met that care deeply for you and the pain that you’re going through. My heart aches for you.
    Kathy

  36. Christie

    Mel, I haven’t had a chance to read any of the other posts… I just logged on and have been catching up.

    I’m reading a book right now for a book club that I’m in… and it’s reminding me of you with a couple of your last posts. It’s called “Angels in my Hair”.

    It’s kind of an auto-biography from a gal that can see angels, and it’s how they’ve impacted her life and how she’s learned to live with them. But there are a lot of explanations from her about who can see angels and what their jobs are here on earth.

    Please know that we’re still praying for you. And something that somebody told me once, when I was really pissed at God…. is this: God is big enough for your anger. All of it. And He wants you to go to Him with it. It doesn’t scare Him. I didn’t really understand all of that when I was traveling down the road that He had us on…. and honestly I kind of thought it was sort of a “nice and pretty” answer…. But I guess it gave me the permission that I needed to just let Him have it when I was done living through the crap that was going on around us. Now that I can look back, I can see how it brought me closer to Him…. maybe because I knew that I could get as mad as I wanted, and yell and scream and kick and spit…. and He still loved me. That none of that would make Him love me less. In fact, I think it made me realize that I could trust Him more. But that’s just where I’ve come to in my journey on one of those not-so-lovely roads that we parents sometimes have to journey down.

    (((cyber-hugs)))

  37. A friend shared this poem with me after one of my triplet daughters died at age of 14 months…the words in your post are almost my exact words a month after Zoe died….it’s been 3 1/2 yrs now…just wanted to share this poem with you.

    Don’t Tell Me
    Please don’t tell me you know how I feel,
    Unless you have lost your child too,
    Please don’t tell me my broken heart will heal,
    Because that is just not true,
    Please don’t tell me my daughter (son) is in a better place,
    Though it is true, I want her (him) here with me,
    Don’t tell me someday I’ll hear her (his) voice, see her (his)face,
    Beyond today I cannot see,
    Don’t tell me it is time to move on,
    Because I cannot,
    Don’t tell me to face the fact she (he) is gone,
    Because denial is something I can’t stop,
    Don’t tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
    Because I wanted more,
    Don’t tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
    I’ll never be as I was before,
    What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
    That you will listen when I talk of my child,
    You can share with me my precious memories,
    You can even cry with me for a while,
    And please don’t hesitate to say her (his) name,
    Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
    Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
    But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday.
    Judi Walker(In Memory of Shane)Copyright 1998

  38. Jennifer M

    I wish I had words to comfort you, but I know there is none. My heart is, and has been, broken for you. I guess I just want you to know that I’ve been praying for you & so has my wonderful Sunday school class. I hope our prayers are helping in some way or another. I also recommend “Heaven is for Real”. I think it would be good for your heart to read about Heaven through the eyes of a child. With all my love, painted with orange, all the way from Loudon, TN

  39. Evelyn

    I am so sorry for what you have been called upon to endure. My heart aches for you. I have two books about our spirits’ journeys after this earth life has been completed that I think are wonderful. (I haven’t read through all of the previous comments, so I don’t know if they have been recommended to you by anyone else.) They are “Embraced By The Light” by Betty J. Eadie and “The Message” by Lance Richardson. They are remarkable books, and as I read both of them my spirit was deeply moved. I hope you can find them, and find comfort in them.

  40. I recently became a follower of your blog after searching Top Mommy Blogs. Your entry today had me hooked. I immediately began reading previous posts to find out what happened to Owen. My heart simply breaks for you and your family. I pray God will send you comfort and he will heal your broken heart. God Bless.

  41. Belinda

    Mel, in many ways you are going through the same things I went through. I too have felt so much guilt and wondered if God took Piper back because I said “having triplets it too hard” one too many times. Did he take her because I unknowingly asked him to by complaining about how hard it was to raise them? I too have been angry, and I mean really angry, that I have not seen any signs that Piper, or God, is with me. How could God allow me to hurt this badly? In the 5 months since Piper died, I’ve never even had a dream about her. How can that be? I think your feelings are normal (not that that makes it any easier). I have even considered seeing a medium becuase I am so desperate to hear that Piper is ok. We are grieving mothers and I think at the end of the day that is what we want the most. Assurance that our little ones are happy and ok. Hang in there. I’d say it gets easier, but I’m not at that point yet. My offer to talk is always open.

  42. Leah

    Melissa,
    I don’t know a single mother that doesn’t question whether or not they are good enough, I don’t know any couple that doesn’t fight, I don’t know anyone who has ever experienced loss to not break down. You don’t have to be strong everyday and you don’t have to endure all of this pain alone. I didn’t experience the loss of a child but I have endured pain and struggle in the past, and for my journey I did need to seek therapy and used medication for a short while to help heal my brain from the traumatic stress I endured. I have never been big on medication but realize now that sometimes we need it. Only you will know what is the best path for you. Keep using the simple tools to help heal from the trauma, re-visiting your steps and the hospital will take time, but it is part of the healing experience. There are also people who specialize in talk therapy for Post traumatic stress. Along with your grief you also need to remember that you are not that far out from child birth and your hormones are fluctuating along with your emotions. Don’t give up on God, he’s listening even when you can’t feel it. Somethings we will never understand, but I will tell you for a fact OWEN knows (and knew) how much you love him. Keep fighting and keep leaning on others, and we you can be thankful to God and know that you are not alone in this darkness.

  43. Kathleen

    Mel,
    Thank you for your post. I lost my 11 year old daughter Regina April 20th. I have gone through all the same things. Was I not a good enough mother; was God punishing me. Why didn’t she tell me sooner she wasn’t feeling well. Is Heaven real! The more I read the stories differ just enough to give me doubts. And yes all those people that say oh she is in a better place make me want to scream too. I actually had someone say to me. It must be hard to grieve knowing how much peace she has. I said are you kidding; clearly you have no children. I miss her; I want to hold her. She was hooked up to so many tubes for a month and I could not hold her. My heart aches so much. Her best friend her 13 year old brother cries too. I guess I am in my angry phase; and I denial as I have not even begun to look for her headstone; I think because that will make it all real. I do know your pain and question too. I am glad I am not the only one.

  44. Katie Voss

    God is right here in this blog. God gave you the gift of crafting your emotions and thoughts into written word. Maybe he gave it to you also as a tool to help you connect to others now who can guide you to healing. Reading the words of others who can offer you support because they have been through the same thing strengthens my belief that He IS with you. I love you Mel.

  45. amie

    i know you dont know me, but i came a crossed our blog. My cousin has lost her son not to long a ago he was 11 yrs old. She has been a hard time and someone gave her the book called Haven is Real. they bought it at walmart. She said it made her fill better about her son to know he was in a happy place. I hope you can find it and it can bring you some peace!!!

  46. Amy

    Melissa – I have been reading your posts since your beautiful baby boy became ill and then left this Earth. I am so sorry and wish I could take some of your pain and bear it on my own shoulders.
    I’m writing, though, because you stated in this blog that you wanted to know what heaven is like, and I recently saw on a morning TV show a little boy, 11 years old, describe heaven after a near-death experience he had. He spoke of an unborn sibling he’d met but had no knowledge of, his grandfather he’d never met, etc. And he spoke of Jesus. It is amazing, and I, for one, believe every word of it. I hope maybe it can bring you some peace.

    Here is the link:
    http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/42191453/ns/today-today_people/t/meet-boy-who-says-he-visited-heaven-saw-jesus/

  47. Shelli

    I have asked questions of God as I read your story over this past month. Why does He give babies to horrible people and take them from such loving homes? I know that my faith says He would never forsake, but when I hear stories like this, as much as I love Him, I can’t help but think these thoughts! I will keep you in my prayers Melissa. I will pray that He will show you He IS there….walking with you. And for what it’s worth, I wish you didn’t have to travel this path either!

  48. You are a wonderful mom… that definately isn’t something you need to question. The Lord does things that we just can’t comprehend and that make us angry at times, and you have a right to feel the feelings. I’m so sorry for everything you’ve had to go through!! I can’t imagine losing a child and you are the strongest woman I know to have kept your faith so strong throughout it all… but remember, you have a right to break down. Screaming and yelling and crying are all healthy. God is with you, even when it feels like He is not… just pray. And even if it doesn’t seem like you are getting an answer right away, just remember… it’s all in His time. Hold your head high knowing that your little warrior has started a nationwide epidemic of love! Much love from a friend…

  49. Sara

    Melissa-
    I doubt that you remeber the text I sent you on that Sunday evening (5/22), but in it I told you that ‘you are an amazing mother and to never, ever doubt that!!’ Know that Owen’s passing had nothing to do with your mothering skills. In fact, your strength as a mom allowed you to react to the situation, as it unfolded, just as a great mom should; better than many of us would have been able to do. For example, your ability to put your own panic aside and perform CPR bought Owen the time needed to allow him to make the donations. I am so proud of you and all you have done and are doing to remain an amazing mom!
    I know you have a lot of “why” questions. Those questions are human nature. That is also why they call it “faith”. To follow god and his (or her!) power means you have to blindly believe. It is why so many waiver in their belief, because having a blind faith is tough!! Much like a good marriage, it requires hard work day in and day out. Know that in your darkest moments, god is not beside, you or in front you. So you won’t see him nor will you see signs from him as you look around. Instead, in those dark moments, god is carrying you.

  50. donna zittel

    I am PRAYING for some relief from yoru pain, even a moments worth. I’m praying that time makes this less raw. I cannot imagine your pain and my heart breaks for you. We are praying for you.

    God CHOOSE you. He choose you because he knew you could do this. He knew you could love this child SO much in SO little time with him that he was able to leave. Imagine that? That your love completed Owen’s soul. IN only 6 months!!! And now he can be with God because you completed him. It takes people their entire lives to work towards peace in their heart, to feel LOVE and move on, and you gave that to that beautiful boy in such a short period of time. It is an amazing thing for you you feel proud of….some day…..right now you feel the human feelings of loss and wanting. Owen doesnt feel that anymore. He feels only LOVE for you and he thanks you I’m sure, for allowing him to choose to come to you, for allowing him to be complete and for allowing this even knowing you’d face the insurmountable pain you feel now. God will be with. He will guide you through this. Takeit one second at a time.

  51. susan

    Your son is God’s. He always was.

  52. Laura

    I read you blog everyday & I always want to come up with the perfect thing to say to you. I search for words to try and comfort you. I wear orange as often as I can to honor your son (you & your family). the only thing I can come up with tonight is that what you are going through – simply stated SUCKS! Continue being strong.

  53. I first stumbled across your blog a month ago, along with many others I was was crying with you, and think of you often. Like so many have posted I have a similar story…I ended up becoming pregnant and a few weeks later loosing the baby after I was raped by gun point. It was harder for me to let go of my child than it was to get past the rape mostly because of the things I went through before that and I could keep fighting for my child, but at the time I didn’t know how to keep fighting for me. I ended up spending a lot of hours crying to and screaming at God.

    It wasn’t until I let go of my baby that God could start healing the wounds. Which took me a long time to do cause I thought letting go meant forgetting “her”. But you don’t, you never forget your child I still think of my little one often, but the emptiness isn’t anywhere near as bad as it was and I can think about her with a smile instead of tears.

    The healing process is a day to day…moment by moment thing. We don’t understand they whys…and have a hard time getting past the what if’s. But I have learned over the years that when God seems like He is the furthest away is when He is actually the closest we have a hard time hearing and seeing Him through our grief. Know that God is right there with you holding you, and carrying you through this terrible time.

    There has been a couple poems that I wrote after I lost my little one that has been on my heart to share with you. (the first one I wrote for a friend who lost a set of twins, but it was my hearts cry as well)

    Dear Jesus,
    Please hold my precious angels near.
    Tell them how much I love them.
    And wish that they were here.

    They were taken away so soon.
    I didn’t get a chance to say good-bye.
    Oh, how I long to hold them.
    And keep them in my sight.

    Please hold my precious angels near.
    Tell them how precious they are.
    Every day I think of them.
    And love them from afar.

    Bye, my precious angels.
    I just wanted you to know
    How much I love and care for you.
    More than you could know.

    By Heather Palmer © June 14, 2002
    ———-
    Angel Hugs

    My little angel is in the sky
    Up there learning how to fly

    She is playing with all her friends
    Bragging who has the best mother
    Time and time again.

    But they all stop and watch
    Each time their mothers cry
    When she wishes that her angels were close by.

    They all gather around and one by one
    They send down angel hugs.
    Wishing their mothers could feel them
    Wrapping them with their love

    Then they go back to playing
    With their angel friends
    Bragging who has the best mother all over again.

    Stopping once in a while to smile
    And send down lots of extra love
    And to give their mother another angel hug.

    Heather Palmer © June 30, 2002

  54. Colleen

    After my mom died about a year and a half ago I learned something I did not know about grief (bear with me for an analogy). Grief is like the ocean. You are bobbing along there in a boat in an ocean of grief. As time passes on the waters settle. You expect that. Or maybe they don’t so much settle as much as we get used to the rythmic jostling of the waves. At first I erroneously thought that was settling. When big things come you think it is going to get choppy. You prepare and steel yourself for the choppiness of things like the first Thanksgiving or Christmas without your loved one. Though, interestingly, for me the first holidays weren’t like I thought. We thought of her with smiles, and some quiet tears, but it was still OK. But then, one day, a tsunami hit. I don’t know where it came from, I didn’t see it coming. It wasn’t a “big” day so I thought I was sitting in calm seas. And the pain is so real you literally feel like your boat has been capsized, you can’t tell which way to swim, and you are gasping for breath. I learned, in those moments, there is nothing you can do except catch a breath when you can and let it ride. God will eventually bring you to the surface and put you back in the boat. And someday, the ocean will truly settle. I suspect we will always be in a boat, in the ocean. I pray just that we get better and seeing the coming of the waves, and that they get smaller and fewer in number.

    “A furious Squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?” He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.” – Mk 4:35-39

    Take comfort in the fact that even with Jesus in the boat with them the disciples were still scared!! It seems silly to us who yearn to see His face to think that if they could SEE Him they would not understand completely. But, alas, though he was calmly asleep, He was indeed with them the whole time. Even one month later, you are still daily in my thoughts and prayers! May God hug you close today!

  55. Oh Mel…Mel (can I call you Mel)….my heart is broken for you. Truly broken. It aches and hurts because of your loss. I can’t even imagine….

    I have been through 3 miscarriages but never lost a child that I had held, loved, taken care of, smelled, snuggled. i can’t even image.

    I know you don’t know me from the next reader (except that I have been stalking your for a while now) but as I have prayed for you and your family I have truly come to love and care for you.

    As I sat here contemplating and praying about what I could say to you, I came across this article on my church website. It was not by coincidence. PLEASE take a minute to read it. Please! I promise it will bring comfort and peace to your heart.

    http://lds.org/manual/teachings-of-presidents-of-the-church-josephf-smith/chapter-15-the-salvation-of-little-children?lang=eng&query=little+children+death

    I know that you and I may attend different churches but we have one and the same faith in a loving Heavenly Father and his Son Jesus Christ.

    I know WITHOUT A DOUBT that God is with you. He is aware of your situation here on earth and he is aware of his child Owen there with him in heaven. Owen is not alone. He is surrounded by those who love him that have gone on before him. I don’t just believe this. I KNOW IT! And you can to. Just ask your Heavenly Father. He will confirm it to your heart.

    He gives us trials so that we will turn to Him. He can give you comfort….he can give you peace. He can and he will. Just ask.

    I know…KNOW that there is a way that you can be together with Owen again….FOR ETERNITY! I KNOW IT! This sweet clip sums up my beliefs:

    http://lds.org/pages/families-can-be-together-forever?lang=eng&query=families+can+together+forever

    We are continually praying for your and your sweet family (including Owen). We even participated in our own family Orange for Owen day (two of us carrot tops with our hair and the rest with brightly colored orange t-shirts).

    We love you out here in Washington!

  56. I love the changes to the site. Owen’s Orange =) I am gonna sound like choir but read Heaven is For Real. It helped me in my family in our losses… and remember Footprints, just because you can’t see him doesn’t mean God isn’t with us all the time. He was carrying you threw your bad day even if you didn’t get a sign. ❤ and God Bless

    Oh and by the way, I came to your blog threw a friend and now our whole church sends out an Un-named Prayer for you and your family from way over here in WV!!!! Still following so keep writing!!!

  57. Mel,
    I wish I could come up with something to say that will make you feel better, but of course I can’t. Know that I care and am praying for you daily even though we have never met.

  58. Colleen M. S.

    “Hear me speedily, O Lord: my spirit faileth: hide not Thy face from me, lest I be like unto them that go down into the pit. Cause me to hear Thy lovingkindness in the morning; for Thee do I trust: cause me to know Thy way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto Thee.”
    Psalm 143: 7-8

  59. Lora

    I don’t know if you will get a chance to read this but I feel compelled to share this story. Saturday was a busy day and I was running behind with the cleaning and completing my to-do list. My son went down for his nap late and I just got him in his crib when the phone rang and of course woke him up. I was so frustrated but got him back to sleep. Here’s the good part…. I walked outside on my front porch to take a breath. As I was standing there looking at nothing in particular, a single balloon floated gingerly in the breeze across my neighbor’s yard about 10 ft off the ground. The balloon was orange with an orange streamer. It kinda took my breath away. It wasn’t floating up into the sky, but was hovering at the same height “dancing” in the breeze, almost like it was playing. I watched it until it moved into another yard and I couldn’t see it anymore. Needless to say, any and all frustration I had disappeared. Anytime I see random orange in my day (a flower, balloon, anything) I think of Owen and his orange heaven. I know this story won’t help ease your pain. I cannot even begin to try, but you and your family are still in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for continuing sharing your story with us.

  60. I have never lost a child (thank God), so I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through, but I like to think that when a baby dies, maybe he is being saved. Maybe if he were to live, he would have fallen away, and not been able to enter heaven. But as a helpless little baby, that is exactly where he goes. He is safe. He is there forever. He will see you there someday. He is in a better place. It is you who we should grieve for, because we know he is safe, well, and eternally happy in his new and perfect home.

  61. I am crying.
    I don’t even know what to say, or if I should say anything.
    You wearing your heart on your sleeve, and your honesty has touched me.
    I can’t believe you even have the strength to write what you do.
    I lost a few friends in high school, nothing like what you have been through, but I didn’t talk about it. I wasn’t strong enough.
    You are such a brave woman, and you inspire me.
    God bless, and I am praying for you right now!

  62. Pingback: Stressed | Three Times the Fun

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