Owen, I held you today

Dear Owen,

I held you today.  At his 6 month old check up, the doctor found that Logan has a heart murmur.  My first thought?  Great … we donated Owen’s heart and now we’re going to be on the list to get a heart.  Great timing!

Last week we took him to Children’s to have a consult.  While the murmur sounded like it was just extra noise, he couldn’t say it for sure.  Given the circumstances, we were given the option to just go ahead and have an EKG done.  I knew I wouldn’t sleep at night not knowing if Logan’s heart beat correctly or not, so we opted to just have the test done.

We took your brother today to have an EKG done at Children’s.  It was different this time.  The consult was done on a different floor and the room looked different.  It didn’t feel like when we were there with you.  This time … the room felt the same.  It was just like your room.  The crib we laid Logan in was the same that we laid you in for the last time.  When you had no heart.  We wrapped him in the same kind of blankets that came back from the funeral home.  The same kind that they had to swaddled in after your donation surgery.  When you had no heart.  I wondered if any other babies had died in the same blanket that now swaddled Logan.  I said a little prayer just in case.

Logan had to be sedated for the test.  Makes sense as he wouldn’t be able to lay still long enough to get good pictures.  I didn’t realize how that would make me feel until it was all happening.  I watched as the nurse held Logan down to give him the medicine.  She had him swaddled in blankets so he couldn’t squirm about.  I had to close my eyes.  I had wanted to hear you cry so badly when we were here the last time.  But you laid motionless, limp, with tubes and wires everywhere.  Maybe Logan was screaming a little extra for the cries you wanted to yell.

Finally he took all of the medicine and the nurse asked who was going to rock him.  It never occured to me that I would be holding him as his sedation kicked in.  So I held him and rocked with him in the rocking chair.  Please tell Logan that I’m sorry.  I held him close to me and pictured you.  I tried to remember every detail of when I got to hold you for the last time.  I actually wished he was you.

I kept kissing his cheeks to make sure they were still warm.  Your cheeks were cool … like they had been in the crisp wind.

He was moaning a little bit … just like he does when he’s so tired but doesn’t want to sleep.  So I sang to him.  I sang him the same songs I sang to you that night.  This little like of mine.  I’m gonna let it shine.  This little light of mine.  I’m gonna let it shine.  Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine … I closed my eyes and held Logan and sang to you.

The tests went well.  The results were wonderful.  Logan’s heart is just fine.  The murmur is just extra noise.  I jumped up and hugged the doctor.  I didn’t realize how truly worried I had been.  This whole time I felt like his murmur was going to be this shadow that loomed out in the future.  When was it going to hurt Logan?  When would it be time to go through the loss of a child all over again?  I didn’t want it to bog me down so I figured I would allow myself to feel the bad news when it left the doctor’s lips.  I refused to worry about it this past week.  It all came flooding out as we got the good news.  I felt and let go of the worry all in one motion.

Maybe you were there with us today.  Maybe not.  But in case you weren’t, please hear my prayer that your brother is ok!  I hope you helped him to be brave.  He was almost as brave of a warrior as you were.  And still are.

I sang to you.  No I still sing to you.  I rocked you.  No I rock you whenever I rock one of your brothers.  I held you.  I hold you every time I hold Logan, Weston or Jaden.  I hope you heard me today.  I love you.

Love, Mel

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19 Comments

Filed under Owen's Gone

19 responses to “Owen, I held you today

  1. melissa

    melissa, i am so sorry that you had to sit with that worry for what probably felt like an eternity!! glad everything worked out well for logan!

    my heartaches for you each and everytime i hear the hurt you are feeling and wish i could take a lil sliver of your pain away! heck, i wish i had amazing powers to bring owen back to you. i wish daily that i knew you more, as a friend, so i could be there to listen and support you. you amaze me daily!! god bless you

  2. donna zittel

    He heard you, he felt you. He knew, he was there.

  3. Nancy K

    Thank you God that Logan is ok! Prayers and hugs coming your way.

  4. niceysmiles

    I actually have a heart murmur as well. Been told its no big deal. Great news that the case is the same for Logan! Hugs!

  5. I cannot stop the flow of tears as I attempt to know what you must go through each an everyday, but then I realize that I will never feel what you feel. Thank you so much for being so open and sharing with all of us. Your words touch me beyond anything I could ever tell you.

    I’m praying for you and your family as always 🙂

  6. Amber

    So happy Logan is ok. That is wonderful news.

  7. carrie

    Tears flowing…..Owen knows how very much you love him. I can feel it, and I’m a perfect stranger, so I have no doubt that he knows it. I wish I could take even a tiny bit of your pain away. I’m so glad Logan’s tests came back good. Continued prayers.

  8. Sara

    Hi Mel,

    I have a heart murmur, very similar to the one Logan has. My type of murmur (called PVCs for short) is most common in older people, and while tests have shown that my murmur occurs an average of 80 times each day, it doesn’t bother me. I can feel some of them; it feels like a fluttering in my chest, like a butterfly is in my heart. I am so glad that Logan is OK.
    Hugs!

  9. Kristen

    I am so so very glad that Logan is ok and Owen is always there with you no matter where you are. i know it must have been hard and I have tears running down my eyes just reading it. But you are strong and Owen is your little warrior that is watching over all of you. He felt you he heard you sing and he knows you love him so very much. He feels it. HUGS MEL

  10. Erica

    My oldest had/has a heart mummer….. Logan will be fine and for sure Owen was there with his brother!

  11. I’m so happy to hear Logan is ok. I’ll bet Owen was there with you and watching over his brother. I think of your family often; you remain in my thoughts and prayers.

  12. Hope

    So glad to hear his murmur is ok. I’ve always had a murmur, but they struggle to find it now as an adult

  13. Kaye

    Mel, I really need to stop reading this blog at work! People are starting to wonder if I am emotionally stable!

    Both of my boys had congenital heart defects before/at birth. Easton had ASD (atrial septal defect) and Nolan had tricuspid valve regurgitation. I remember them being sedated and going thru all those feelings and emotions you went thru. I sang to them just like you did to Owen and Logan!

    I know with certainty that Owen was there with logan, just as he was there with us when we needed him! He will be there as we continue to fight the battles we face in this Earthly world until we join him in Heaven!

  14. So many prayers for you all!!

    Lots of love from Baby Pickel

  15. Jennifer Powell - SEWMOT

    Mel, I can relate to how it felt to see Logan sedated like that. I had the same reaction when Nick had to be sedated for a lung capacity test at age 2. (He’s the one we almost lost when he was a baby.) I saw him lying there, motionless, hooked up to machines, and I just strated to cry. The tech thought I was worried about the test but I said “No, seeing him like this just brings back a LOT of bad memories.” Those images never go away and sometimes i al comes flooding back at odd times.

    I am happy to hear that Logan is fine – one less thing for you to worry about! And yes, I think Owen knows that when you hold his brothers, you also hold him. I’m sure Logan and Weston are ok with that too. After all, what are brothers for? (((HUGS)))

  16. Whew! What a relief for you guys. I’m so happy! Must be all those prayers for you family. We’ll keep sending them your way along the other millions of people you have touched.

    Owen knows…he see’s. He’s with you always.

  17. Jenny Rooney

    You truely are an inspiration Mel, I can almost feel what you feel everytime I read your thoughts and feelings, Owen is with you forever now, you will always be his Mommy. And so happy and relieved that Logan is ok, but so sorry you had to go through all that with him, as I say you are an inspiration strong and brave……….Love to you ❤

  18. Omg- I was right there with you in this one. The blankets, the cool cheeks, everything. Glad all is well! Think of you all the time!

  19. Mary

    *tears* What a beautiful post!

    My son was born with 2 heart defects, which we were fortunate to catch early on. I am so happy Logan is heart healthy.

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