Someone told me yesterday that I need to “find a way to cope.” I thought that’s what I was doing? I get up every morning. I shower. I care for my three babies on earth. I cook. I clean. I breathe. I thought that’s what I was supposed to be doing?
I am broken, there is no denying that. But I was broken a long time before I lost Owen. I’ve been broken since I started my battle with depression back in middle school. Hell, you could say I’ve been broken since Eve eat the apple. I have accepted my cracks, and missing pieces though. I am ok with who I am. I don’ t feel like I need to be ‘fixed.’ I wouldn’t be who I am without my flaws, shortcomings or pain. I’m like the ragged, torn baby blanket that’s been dragged through the dirt. Some might think you should patch the holes, wash the dirt out or even get a new blanket. But not me. The tares, rips and dirt make the blanket real. It shows that the blanket ‘lived’ and was loved.
“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You
become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
— Margery Williams Bianco (The Velveteen Rabbit)
I’m not trying to preach. Don’t misunderstand – I don’t think that I am perfect. I am FAR FAR FAR from that. I have improving to do. I have changes to make in myself. But I accept myself for who I am. I don’t need to change to be accepted or to be loved. I change as self improvement. For strength, for the sake of learning.
I seek the understanding of why I am the way I am. To understand the “why.” Why do I respond this way? Why does this make me cry? Why am I crabby? Not that it’s wrong that I am crabby. The way you feel is never wrong, only the way you respond to those feelings can be wrong. I ask what is the cause of my crabbiness? Let’s attack that, let’s work on that. Then the crabbiness will cease to exist.
So when you tell me I need to find a way to cope, what do you mean? Are you saying that the pain part of me is wrong? I shouldn’t embrace it? It’s not ok to be emotional or need a little TLC? Are you telling me that I’m doing it wrong? Coping wrong? Is there a ‘right’ way to cope the loss of a child? Am I no longer acceptable to you?
So yes, treat me differently, but don’t treat me like I’m broken. Sure I have another crack in my shell, but I’m still me. I’m all of me. Share with me like you would before. Let me hear what you feel, but don’t expect the same response you would have gotten before. I’m not the same person you once knew. I am me. Ever changing, ever growing, ever hurting. I’m coping the best way I know how.