I’m Hungry

This week at church, we were asked “what are you hungry for?”  My first response was “I could really go for some scrambled eggs.”  Not so sure that’s the kind of answer they were looking for.  The message was all about our hunger in life.  What do we long for?  Love, acceptance, rest?

It made me think about my direction with Owen’s Memorial.  I just don’t know what to do … or how to start.  Yes, I want to do the pay it forward thing and help others.  I think it would be great to fund other service projects.  But is that what my mission or purpose is?  How can one be sure that you are doing what the big man upstairs wants you to be doing?  It’s not like you can look at him in the face and he’ll give you the reassuring head nod.  I can’t get a sign of approval on a piece of paper.  I’m screaming inside … I just want to know what I’m supposed to do.  I pray about it every day.  I groan every time someone asks me what the plan is.

I just don’t know!  Is the hesitantly coming from me not wanting to make a final decision?  Is it that I’m really worried about “doing the right thing?”  I just feel like once I put something into motion there will be something better.  Then what?  Crap … I screwed up Owen’s entire memorial.  I just want to do him justice.  Everything else has been perfect.  Ok, short of the funeral home we chose … that’s a whole different blog post!  I just don’t want to make the wrong choice.

I remember feeling similar when deciding what to name Jaden.  It was the first gift I gave my new baby boy and one I’d never be able to take back.  It could effect his future.  It could have a 1,283 horrible rhyming words or be something that torments him.  What if he hates his name when he grows up?  What if there was something better I should have chosen?  I wanted the very best for my son and it tore me up inside not knowing for sure that I was doing the right thing.

When Owen was dying I knew what I should be praying for.  I prayed to be open to what was meant to be.  I prayed for my son to be safe and happy.  If he didn’t want to live in a prison body, then I would love him beyond this earth.  But now I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing.

I know I can blog, but what do I blog about?  How Logan and Weston spit up blueberries all over this morning and then rolled around in it?  Or how Jaden decided that he wanted to spend his morning in his underwear?  Or the walk to the new park that was supposed to be tons of fun, but turned into Jaden crying hysterically the whole way home because he was so hot?  Or how I made 10 lbs of baby food?  While it’s my life now, it hardly seems important enough to write about.  My blogs turn into a meaningless regurgitation of my day.  Makes for a pretty boring blog.

In ways I feel like God just sort of dropped me on the curb and said, ok, now find your way home.  I was there, full in his presence and confident in my purpose.  And now I feel lost and unsure.  Lord, do you hear me?  Am I still on your radar?  Or do you have Owen and have gone on to other dying children?  To comfort other parents who are on the brink of loosing their worlds?

In my logical mind I know he loves me.  It’s not that I don’t believe or am doubting my faith.  But any time he’d like to give me a little direction or nudge in the right direction of his plan, that would be great.

I keep hearing wonderful stories of how Owen’s story has spread or how people have changed because of it.  New faces keep showing up at church.  Maybe in addition to the two little girls who got his liver and heart, he “saved” others?  I have to be honest … I’m not sure what is different about this story compared to other babies who passed.  Why do some react to this story?  What makes someone who at one time swear off silicone bracelets wear a “donate life” one for two months straight?  Maybe if I could tap into that I would have a better idea of my path from here.

Let’s go with it … if you are moved … why?  Why this story and not another blog or baby?  Why Owen?  Why me?  Maybe it has nothing to do with me and it’s all Owen?  Or visa versa?  Why do you wear OWENGE?  What does it mean to you?  How or why has it changed you?  Maybe I’m assuming too much and it hasn’t.  Tell me that too.  What about this makes it an “ordinary” story?

I’m begging for some help here.  Help me figure out what to do.  Where do I go?  I so badly want to keep the movement going.  Please … help … please?

Love, Mel

Advertisements

51 Comments

Filed under Advice, Organ Donation, Owen's Gone

51 responses to “I’m Hungry

  1. Carlin

    I know that your story for me, has made me appreciate my beloved little girl even more. I feel that I am more patient with her, and more engaged with her partly because you dont have that opportunity with Owen anymore … at least not physically. There were several nights right after Owen died that I went and picked up a sleeping Hanna out of her crib and just held her – because shouldnt I be taking every opportunity to hold her that I can? I find your loss heartbreaking, but the way you’re dealing with it so inspiring. I’m glad you wear orange everyday, because in my eyes, you are as much a warrior as Owen is.

      • katie

        To start this off, I am going to answer the questions you asked and respond as some fellow bloggers have. Where did I hear about your story? I was forwarded an e-mail at work in which Doug worked at years ago informing us that Doug had lost a child. I knew Doug, but was not super close, but felt horrible for this loss. I ended up opening the link to your blog and it was quite addicting to read! I generally get to my e-mail/ computer time after 9 pm so when I started to read your story and all your family was going through, hours had past and my heart ached so badly, I had tears stream down my face for most of my reading. I couldn’t fall asleep and I was all out of sorts for that first reading night and all next day and for some reading nights after that, same story… I cried and even though it caused my heart to ache each time I started to read, I knew I had to keep reading to learn something from you. I couldn’t help to not keep thinking about all those experiences and thinking about how your family was doing. I think I bonded with your experience right away as in May I was just going back to work after my maternity leave with my 3 month old son and I also have a 1.5 year old son as well that I was emotional and had such strong maternal instincts and feeling around this time, so it just struck a chord for me instantly. Why do I keep coming back to your blog? Like other bloggers stated, you have a way of writing and sharing your heart felt feelings that is so real and valuable to other people that I feel I need to drop in a few times a week to see how you are doing and to learn from your experiences. Why did I bond with you, someone I have never met? I think it is your strong value in your faith, your motherly straight up tell it how it is approach to life and how vulnerable you are to let us all in to your life, I just think you are an inspiration to me. You are the strongest woman and a can somehow pull it all together mother! I have a hard time balancing all on my plate. God, motherhood, marriage, family, friends, work, sometimes in that order, other times, in a whole different order. That is where your blog comes in handy when I need a little kick in butt, so say WAKE up and put my priorities in order and really put your time and energy into what really matters at the end of the day and at the end of my life. Life is just too short and each and every day, I need to think about this and remind myself to get the garbage out of my life and let the good stuff in. Between going to church, the book “The Purpose Driven Life” by Rick Warren and your blog, it is weekly mental check for me to manage my life. So, yes, I am one of your blog “groupies”. What do I think you should do for Owen’s memorial? I think your plate is VERY full, I think somehow, someway, you will figure out a way to keep it simple and impactful. I do think some time in near future, you could write a book about all your life experiences. People could really learn from you and I think you would spread God’s message and do your purpose. Thanks for your openness and sharing the good the bad and ugly. I relate to you in many ways. Laughing, crying and thoughts to ponder. My thoughts and prayers are always with your family.

  2. Kimberly

    Hi Mel–

    I ordered an Owenge shirt from you and couldn’t wait to get it! I wore it at my son’s birthday party and when people asked me about it, I was able to share Owen’s story. I wear it because I would want other people to do the same for me if I were in your shoes–share the story of a son who was SO loved and taken WAY too soon. It makes me hug all 4 of my sons a little tighter and cherish the everyday moments a little more. Please keep sharing tidbits of your life with your kids on this blog. All of us mommies out there with children around the same age can totally relate! And just think, 10 years from now when you did blog about the “ordinary” things that your children had done, you’ll be glad that you can look back and read about those times. I appreciate everything that you’re trying to do in memory of Owen. The movement will keep going, because we will continue to wear our Owenge shirts.

    ~Kimberly

  3. Katie Clancy

    Mel –
    I have been reading your blog since the first night but this is my first response. I received an E-mail from a mom that I know through my daughters pre school that was a prayer circle for you and your family. This E-mail connected me to your blog and I have been an avid reader ever since. I think I was initially drawn to your story for the same reason many readers were, your story is heart wrenching but your writting is beautiful. You have an amazing gift in the way you communicate and share. I began to feel as though I was living your story with you, it consumed my day I couldn’t stop thinking about you, owen, doug and the boys. I prayed harder than I had every prayed, I truely believed that in that moment that the power of prayer would work that my prayers and the prayers of all of your readers would be answered and owen would survive. Owen may not have survived in his earthly body but he has survived in your spirit and in the spirit of thousands of people across the world. Any choice you make will be the right choice owen is no longer a chunky giggley baby but rather a symbol, a symbol of strength and perserverience. Your and Dougs strenght to continue on for owen and your boys, your boys strength in growing up without their brother, and owens strength as the little warrior. Because of you I hold my little man a little longer each night before bed, I kiss my girls a few extra times before I leave for work. Your amazing ability to selflessly share each moment of Owens story has done this for every mom and dad who reads it. Thank you for being strong enough to share, even when you dont feel like you are strong. Thank you for sharing Owen with the world when you could have kept him and his story to yourself.
    well now i feel like im rambling a bit….but i felt this was the right time to share. stay strong, continue to live, and the right answers will come to you when you least expect them 🙂
    Katie

  4. Jessica

    Hi Mel, my name is Jessica. I found your blog from a baby center prayer request just a couple days after Owen passed away. The main reason why I follow your blog is because I feel like we have so much in common. I read your blog from beginning to end in just a couple of days. I am prior Air Force Security Forces and wad stationed in Okinawa until last week. I have a 2.5 year old son whose father is not involved. My husband stepped up and has been in our lives since he was born. After only 4 months of marriage my husband and I decided we were ready to start trying for number 2 and then wait a few years to have number 3. Well at my first ultrasound we found out it was twins. I had no clue what we were going to do and my husband was getting ready to deploy and wouldn’t be back till the twins were 2 months old. We decided that it would be best if I separated from the military and become a stay at home mom. I really hated not working and would sometimes tell the twins that it was there fault and have to remind myself why exactly I got out. It made me feel better that I wasn’t tell only one having trouble adjusting to life as a full time Stay At home mom. Reading your blog helped me get through that part. As for Owen. It gives me strength and courage knowing that he went through so much in his short life and that I take a lot of things for granted. I complaint. About the littlest things and then think about him and remember that he didn’t ask to go through that and he didn’t complain about it either. I know you have talked about this before but I truly think you are a strong woman and I admire you for that. I have no clue what it would be like to lose a child but I don’t think I could handle it as well as you. I pray everyday that God will answer your questions and give you strength to get through each day. I pray that your family will come closer together and learn how to cope with this.

  5. Melissa

    why Owen’s story? well first i will say as a child care provider I am always heart broken to hear of the loss of a child. it rips my heart into tiny little pieces and makes me realize how precious every little spit up or leaky diaper is, or how about that sneeze just as you put a spoonful of babyfood in their mouth. ultimately though, what has drawn me so close with this story is not only knowing Jaden from formerly working at the cdc, but the fact that you were willing to share your story with the world. I read your blogs and I am amazed at the strength you show even on your weakest days, I’m amazed at your ability to to share your weakest moments and your proudest moments all in 1 blog. It brings it so close to home with losing my nephew 14 years ago and watching my sister grieve, but not knowing what to do as a teenager to even begin to help her or help myself. There is something amazing about a mom who has the strength to find ways to help others when she is in need herself. Even on your weakest days Melissa….you truly are amazing and an inspiration to not just look right in front of you, but to hold that glimmer of hope for a better tomorrow! GOD BLESS YOU and LIL WARRIOR OWEN!

    As for a memorial, i think everything you have done so far is amazing!! But i think you need to let it come as it will. Just because his memorial is not set in stone, doesn’t make it any less important and it sure doesn’t mean you don’t miss your lil chunky monkey! It will happen when the time is right. God is sending you messages, he’s telling you your taking the right path, but by questioning yourself it means to slow down, there is no rush! thats my thoughts

  6. Esperanza

    Hello, I’ve never commented on your blog, except for once or twice right after your son passed. I haven’t commented because I haven’t been sure what to say. I don’t really know what to say now but I feel like I can’t ignore your pleas so I will try my best.

    First of all, I want to confess that I don’t have a relationship with God. I don’t actually believe in God but I do believe in an the goodness of people and a desire for most people to do loving works and to create harmony in the universe. I believe in an underlying energy, a rightness in the world. And I believe in meditation and prayer and acceptance and mindfulness. I feel like I’m not explaining it correctly, like I’m not saying what I want to say. Maybe I will be able to articulate it better later.

    You asked why your blog? Why Owen’s story? I’ll be honest, I don’t follow your blog now because of Owen. I follow you because of you. Because of your strength. I’m sure that is frustrating for you to hear, I know you’re written that you don’t feel strong. But when I read that while Owen was struggling you prayed for openness and acceptance – that you prayed for your son’s comfort and not yourself – that, to me, is a kind of unconquerable strength. A kind of strength I assume I wouldn’t have in your position. And while I don’t believe in God myself, I find comfort in your faith in Him, in your relationship with Him. I feel like I can understand it (at least aspects of it) and translate it to my understanding of the world. I appreciate that.

    I read your blog because I think you are wise and wonderful. I read your blog to see how others incorporate loving-kindness, mindfulness and acceptance into their own lives with what seems like an effortless grace.

    As for the question of Owen’s memorial? I don’t think you need to know what you’re doing just yet. I don’t think God has a specific idea for the work he wants you to do. He’s not up there with a perfect idea hoping you’ll guess at what it might be. God is love, right? God wants love. That is all. I can’t imagine he cares how it’s spread or what it inspires. He just wants love and grace and people reaching out to each other in times of difficulty and despair. I don’t think he’s hoping for love to look a certain way or be expressed in a specific act. He just wants people to care for each other.

    You will figure out what to do with the love Owen inspires in others. It might not happen today, or tomorrow or even next month. In fact it will probably keep changing, evolving into whatever it needs to be. First it might look like one idea, and then it might build into another. It might change directions all together or it might continue on a certain path. I think though, no matter where it goes or what it does, God will be happy with it. How could he not be?

    I’ve already confessed I don’t have a relationship with God, but I wonder if maybe you feel abandoned by him right now because you’re already doing what he wants you to do. You’re already taking a horrific experience and making it into something amazing. You’re already turning Owen’s tragedy into someone else’s miracle. You have figured that part out, and that’s the hardest part. You have already vowed to make your loss about love. Perhaps the direction that love takes is ultimately inconsequential, at least in God’s eyes. Or at least that is what I venture to guess. Maybe God isn’t giving you a direction right now because he’s not so concerned with the direction. Maybe he’s just content being proud of you for all that you’ve already done.

    I know I am.

    (I’m sorry if this comment is to forward. My intent is not to tell you anything about God or your relationship with him. I’m just trying to bring you some peace because I think that you deserve that. I think that God would want you to have it too.)

  7. Melissa,
    I first came across your blog through a friend’s facebook, a friend who also does not know you, but who has also been affected by your story. I started reading while Owen was still fighting for his life, and have continued to read since then. I’ve also gone back in your blog to a little before the triplets were born. Funny enough, I’ve recently began a slight fascination with owls, right before I started reading your blog. That Saturday in May, the day before I started reading about Owen’s battle, I also had gotten a pedicure and at the last moment decided I wanted my toes to be obnoxiously orange. This isn’t a far stretch for me, I’ve always loved bright colors, but something made me change my mind about the pink I had chosen and go for orange. These little things, though small and coincidental, make me feel a little more linked to you and your family, your life.

    I’m not a mother, yet, though I’ve known for a long time that my life will never feel complete until I have children. There’s an empty space there, one I crave to fill even though I’m enjoying life with my still fairly new husband. I’m also a nanny, for a wonderful family, with a 3 year old girl and almost 2 year old boy, and I babysit for other kids around the same ages. I can’t even fathom how I would feel, what I would do, if anything happened to them. I think how I feel about them is pretty equivalent to an aunt. They are not my blood, I am not their primary caregiver, but I can’t imagine them even seriously hurt.

    I can’t imagine how you feel, how you’ve felt, how you manage. I understand that the motivation to get out of bed some days is utterly non-existent, but that you have to. Owen isn’t the only warrior in this story. You are, your family is. I think this is why I continue to read. I’m rooting for you, in a way. I know you’ll survive, I know you’ll be happy again, though never in the same way as you were before. I read to somewhat partake in your struggles. Your questions, your thoughts, everything…they make me stronger too. I think about Owen every day. Every time I grab an orange shirt, every time I see something with an owl on it. I was at a friend’s having a glass of wine and she gave me an orange beaded charm to mark my glass and I immediately thought of Owen.

    I know that families and children and babies go through stories similar to yours everyday. I can’t fully explain why I’m still here, why I’m still reading. But I am. You have a wonderful way with words, and I love you, your children, your family. If I ever get the pleasure of meeting you, I know I’m just going to want to give you a huge hug. And while I love reading your thoughts, and your questions, I also love your every day things, your Jaden and triplet stories.

    I hope this kind of answered some of the questions in your mind, even a little bit. I admire you a great deal, and I know I would’ve even before Owen’s death, before you bared your wounded soul to the world. You seem like an amazing mother, family member, and friend.

    Ali

    Another thing…since you mentioned a while ago about wanting to be treated normally…would you be willing to divulge your hot cocoa and marshmallow cookie recipe? 😉 They look absolutely delicious!

  8. Kellie

    Hi there,
    Why do I read your blog? Simply, I relate to you. As a mother, as a wife, as a Christian. You say in your blog what I feel so often. I have not lost a child, although I suffered two miscarriages. I read how your day was and how it was like mine, or wasn’t. I read your frustrations about you & your husband grieving differently, and I understand. Though I only know you through your blog, you still feel close, like a friend. I “get” you and though you don’t know me, I think you would “get” me too, if you knew me. Your thoughts, how you react to things, you are so incredibly honest and you don’t try to paint a pretty picture for all the people reading your blog. You are refreshingly honest. And it makes me feel better about the way I may react, feel, or question God at times.
    I admire your courage to share your journey. One day, I will randomly dress my child in orange, and later that day Owen comes to mind, then you, the triplets, your son Jaden, and your husband. The color orange is all it takes! It has forever taken on a whole new meaning. Now, orange carries with it a myriad of emotions.
    I am not sure this helps. But I felt a “nudge” to share it. Thank you. I hold you and Owen and your enture family in my heart……………..and in my prayers.

  9. jamie

    I got connected with your story thru my triplet mommy group. You are so amazingly strong, to be able to carry on for your other children. You made me think could I carry on for my other 2 if I had lost one? Of course I would have too, but would I show signs of weakness????
    Your story is also being blogged by you, and you are such an amazing writer, maybe you should write a book?
    I hope you can get some answers!

  10. Mel,
    I have read most of your blogs and have yet to respond until NOW. What is it that keeps us coming back you ask? It’s that every one of us can connect to you on some level. For some it’s that you represent a faith and strength they wish they had. For others it’s because they connect to you with some similar feeling or life experience. I don’t wear orange, don’t think I own orange, but that doesn’t mean I don’t respect the symbolism of Owen’s bravery that orange has come to mean for you and your family. I see orange differently I guess in God’s creations; the monarch butterfly — maybe Owen is fluttering around watching over his brothers. Or the amazing orange lilies in my backyard and thought of you and Owen and hoped that bringing you a bunch would put a smile on your face.

    For me it’s a little of both connection and faith. This is hard to put into words, but I’ll try to explain the connection for me. First there is the connection of loss, albeit I was merely a witness to my best friend’s loss of her nearly 2 year old brother as he was hit by a car in front of her house when we were both 9 years old. I’ll never forget that day, the shrilling screams of her mother heard throughout the neighborhood. Her baby, her “Pudge”. Her mom was like a second Mom to me, in fact my own mom’s best friend and no one knew how to relate to that situation. I respect how by exposing your thoughts and feelings through your blog it’s allowed others to accept their own mixed up feelings of weakness, confusion, anger, depression as the normal process of grief. Maybe it’s a form of therapy or processing for you. We all grieve something. We all process grief differently, but you are not shutting down, you ARE processing and I think that many others are motivated by that.

    Every step of this journey your faith has guided to lean on your Lord. It’s comes natural to you. Even your self-talk of wanting answers and guidance faster for Owen’s memorial, you “know” deep down that God will provide the answer when it is the right time.

    On to my next connection point — the ultimate gift, the gift of life, organ donation. I personally know 3 donor recipients. Seems like a lot doesn’t it — that I should be so lucky that 3 people (one of them my own mother) was benefited with the gift of life because someone else lost their wife, mother, sister, grandma. I thank the Lord every day for the extra time with my mom. But, I have also have wondered what it’s like to be other the other side of organ donation. My mom was in her 60’s when she received a new heart from a woman in Cleveland who had a brain aneurysm. It took her family nearly 3 weeks to come to terms that she wasn’t coming out of the coma and that she was brain dead. I have no idea how I would be in that situation? Could I be that family holding on for any glimmer of hope, 2 weeks, a month??? I just don’t know what decision I’d make, because I’m not sure that in those circumstances rational thought comes easily. But I do believe that if you have truly opened your heart to the Lord he will only give you what you can accept and handle. Your heart has remained open to his guidance throughout this tragic ordeal.

    I know you want to “pay it forward” monetarily, that may come in time. But please do not pressure yourself into coming up with the perfect memorial now. Whether you realize it or not, you’ve already been paying it forward in your heartfelt sharing through your blog and true evangelism of the Lord. Owen will not be forgotten, he is weaved through your every thought and feeling. Paying it forward doesn’t always involve money. Spreading the word and setting examples are examples of “paying it forward” too. Just go with that for now. The rest will come in his time.

  11. Randi

    Mel,
    I read your blog every time you post. I’m just another mom i gave a son up for adoption and that was the hardest thing i’ve ever done. My father passed away and that was just as hard. I’ve never had to do what you face every day. I read your blog and it inspires me your words inspire me to be a better person. Owen inspires me to go on with life and be the best mother i can and to give to others. Honestly with your talent of writing and expressing yourself why not right a book? You have so much insight and you let it all flow so that we are there with you feeling what you feel and trying to be the best we can. You are always in my prayers and i KNOW god is there maybe not in your ear but someone elses giving you a push in the right direction.

  12. Let me start with the question Why You??? Maybe it’s true… maybe there have been many moms that have had to say “goodbye” to their little babies far too soon. You want to know the difference. Most clam up, most are unable to truly share their emotions, most try to keep it as private as possible, most even try to “pretend” it never happened. None of those things describes you. You let us in. You let us be a part of your miracle, of Owen’s miracle. You allowed us to fight and pray right beside you! You allowed us to be warriors for Owen. We want to wear Owenge because it reminds us that we can make the best of any situation. If you as a mother can press forward and have faith in GOD after the loss of your son, then I should be able to over come my menial trials. Maybe just maybe the reason people are drawn to this story is because the Lord has a plan for you… Maybe you don’t know it now, but in time you may.

    You are torn about how to set up Owen’s memorial… I have an idea… It is not something I have prayed about sharing with you, but something that is close to my heart…. Another idea for you to toss around in your already racing mind.

    You have always said that Owen was/is a warrior, and he was meant to save lives. I have recently learned some disheartening information regarding orphans in foreign countries. Once these sweet young kids reach the age of 6, they are moved from the baby homes they have lived in, and moved into an asylum. In these adult mental institutions that these children are moved to, they are basically sentenced to death. Many become ineligible for adoption. Most die within a short time of being moved there. I know many friends that are in a race against time, trying to raise the money to save these young children. They need a warrior on their side, fighting to bring them home. I have not personally adopted, and I am not currently adopting, but I know many are unable to because of the financial strain. Maybe…. just maybe Owen could save a few more lives along his journey.

    Do not worry, I will not be offended if this idea is not appealing to you, or not what you had in mind. Just something that has recently touched my heart.

  13. Your story holds such a special place in my heart. I too am the mommy to triplets (2 here on Earth, and 1 in heaven). Being the mommy to surviving triplets is a hard task. The “twin” question kills me! They aren’t twins, but are they still triplets? I questioned that for so long. I know they are triplets! And now that my survivors are 4 1/2 they know they are triplets too and are able to tell everyone that their brother is in heaven 🙂 Makes my heart feel so good every time they tell someone.

    My Colin passed away after only 8 days here on Earth. I long to hold him every single day, even though it has been almost 5 years. So I can’t tell you it gets easier, just different. The pain isn’t as raw as it used to be, but it is always there. We have found happy ways to remember Colin so that there isn’t always sadness in our hearts when we think of him. For example, every time a balloon slips out of one of the boys’ hands we yell to Colin to catch it, and whenever there is a thunder storm my kids smile and tell me that they think Colin got a strike 🙂

    Your story also touches me because one of my survivors is named Owen, and life without my Owen would be very boring. He keeps me on my toes at all times! And his color is orange too! To this day he still chooses anything orange when given the opportunity 🙂

    Thank you for sharing your story with the world! I was not brave enough to do it on my blog when it happened. I was barely able to keep my head above the covers.

    Jill

  14. Tammy

    Mine might be odd, but your Owen was the same age as my Cullen at the time. He is also a chunker. I call him my “chunky monkey.”

    Through your words I lived (a huge fraction, I know) a tiny bit of your pain. I cry with you. Not to impune your grief – I know I have no clue of how you’re feeling. But I AM human. I AM a mother of an infant, and your words affect my heart. I share your blogs with my mother and we sit and cry together.

    It’s “different” because we are following your journey, day by day. Following this human emotion and experience. Knowing that not all things in life have a happy ending. Praying huge prayers that you can get through each day.

    It also makes us “hug our kids tighter,” like you said. Reminds us all that life changes with every passing minute. To love as hard as we can because nothing is forever.

    I told my mother that I always knew I would love my kids as much as I do – the unconditional kind of “Mother’s Love.” But I didn’t know the fear I would feel. Fear of something happening to them as a baby, sure, they are so fragile, but even as they got older. If someone hurts my 8 year-old’s feelings at school and I see the hurt in her eyes, it’s enough to feel my own heart breaking. So yours Mel, is a human story. We follow you to check on you and to know the fragility that is life.

  15. I read your blog because your a mom, a wife and a christian. I follow your blog because your story is real. And you don’t sugarcoat what you are going through.
    In the begining I started reading because we were praying for little Owen and your family. I kept reading because as a mother I feel we need to support one another, even if it’s just through prayer. I think what you write is honest. So many bloggers make it seem like their life is perfect and the day to day is simple and easy. But it’s not always.

    You blog reminds me to hug my 7month old longer. Give her 100 more kisses. To let her fall asleep in my arms if she wants. To smile when I have gotten up for the 4th time in the middle of the night and I have to get up at 5am. Just because I’m happy she needs me.

    I pray you feel all the support around you. I pray God is going to give you guidance that you so desperately need. I pray you have the patience to just wait till you get that feeling from Him that you are making the right decision for Owen’s Memorial or you get a sign to point you in the right direction. I pray that when it all makes sense for what to do you are given a little slice of piece in your decision.

  16. I read your blog post this morning and my emails. The first thing I read after your post was this scripture of the day from the christian radio station, KLOVE…

    TODAY’S ENCOURAGING WORD – 8/2/2011

    For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
    –Isaiah 43:19, NLT

    I thought “WOW, I have to share this with Mel!” I felt like God just said “Tell Mel I’ve already got it under control and I’m ALREADY doing so much she can’t even see…”

    Have a blessed day!

  17. Elizabeth Ahlgrim

    Mel, I can’t remember how I found you…I think a blog of another friend of friend that I follow who had lost her husband. Your story broke my heart yet your writing humbles me. I think about your faith and how lacking mine is…that if you can profess what you do that surely I can live and love a little better, a little more. I think I was hungering for your message. I think you are the angel that God gave to me…to share His words with me through you. Please don’t doubt yourself or what you are doing/feeling/saying. How can there be a right or wrong in this? As you have said so many times, “no one else has ever gone through this exact situation.” OThers have lost children, but not Owen. So you are unique. Don’t rush on the Memorial. The right answer will be revealed. There is no time limit, no due date. What you have done already is amazing. God Bless you and your family.

  18. Bethany

    Mel, I read because I know you. Because I’ve always been enamored by you and your strength; your zest for life. Even before the triplets, before Doug, before Jaden, I was amazed at your positive outlook, your happiness at simple pleasures, your easygoing spirit. I’ve always looked up to you more than you know, and I read because your blog shows that you continue to be YOU in the face of unimagineable hardships.

  19. Mel,
    The questions you ask of us your blog readers are the questions I’ve been asking myself since May. Why do I read? Why am I so caught up? Why do I care so much? The answer I’ve come up with is one that makes sense to me… but I don’t know if it makes sense to anyone else. I found your blog a little over a month after my younger sister died. I was vulnerable, but I can’t say that any other time before or after my sister would I have not read your story, Owen’s story. I am by nature a very emotional and sympathetic person, I want to help people. The real reason I think though is that your story was an outlet for my grief, I could get caught up in someone else’s sorrow and try to help them in any way possible, which in a weird way has helped me cope with my grief. I read because YOU are inspiring, OWEN is inspriring. I read because seeing how you are coping and how you are feeling helps me to identify those feelings in myself… I know losing a child and losing a sibling are completely different and no one will ever truly know how you are feeling or how I am feeling but I feel a kinship with you and how you see the world and it’s comforting knowing that what I’m feeling isn’t totally unique, that I’m not alone. So I read to be inspired, and I read to be comforted, and I read to help. I know that every time I think of you or Owen, every time I pray for you and your family, that it is helping… in some small way. I know that every time I see or wear Owenge it’s a small sign of support and love. You are an incredible woman who I admire deeply, and I only hope you find everything you’re looking for. All I have to say is follow your heart… however broken it may be, and know that there are so many people out there who are supporting you.
    Much Love,
    Monica

  20. Kristin

    Hello Mel! I have been reading about your babies since you were preggo. Having two boys of my own already I absolutely loved hearing about all of your funny stories. You have always stayed so positive through every situation. I read your blog because I find your words helpful. Not just when Owen passed but long before that. When you posted all of your pics from you in the hospital with the triplets, putting coins on your belly to the once a month photo shoot with your kids. You make me want to find the positive. After Owen passed that positive became even stronger. I remember going into my OBGYN’s office which is the same office you go to and seeing your birth announcement on the wall of babies. After Owen I remember pausing a little longer and having to catch my breath, holding my boys hand a little harder. I read because I never knew you were such a strong woman. Somehow you always keep me in check with whats truly important!!

  21. Dawn

    Your story had definitely touched my life. I am thankful for your honest raw feelings. I think it helps us all understand. I had a cousin how lost one of her twin sons at 10 days old and reading what you are going through – your very “raw” words helps me understand what they may have been feeling but never expressed. I think your story also helps me appreciate what I have – I have triplets too – 16 months old – you can never take their health for granted! I can’t imagine going through what you have. I look forward to your blog postings – you are an inspiration – I am impressed that you can write down your raw feelings for the world to read – I can’t imagine how hard your daily life is – but we love to hear about those things too – yes the blueberry spit up and everything 🙂 Thank you for putting yourself and your family out there. Don’t feel a burdon to “keep the blog interesting” just be you like you have been to this point and do what feels right for Owen. I think of you often – everytime I put orange on the babies – especially when they play with this “smart phone” that they have – it is orange and the character on the phone is an owl – it reminds me of you and I say a little prayer for your family everytime we play with it – which is often – I think your boys NEED one or probably two 🙂

  22. Shell

    Why do I read? For a number of reasons. Initially it was a call for prayer when a coworker who had heard of your blog through a friend when Owen first got sick. I followed daily hoping you would receive good news. Eventually, I went back and read your entire blog and continue to look it up daily to see if you’ve posted anything new. I have to say when I first started reading my faith wasn’t very strong-you’re unwaivering faith in God has blown me away and made me more aware of our own shortcomings. We have started going to church on a regular basis again. Your blog has helped heal my own pain of losing my nephew 20 years ago (which also has everything to do with my lack of faith). I feel like you helped “heal” me in that way. Your strength has astounded me-even though you don’t think you are strong. Everytime I see/wear orange or one of my kids too I think of your family and hope your day is going well. I feel as though I know you personally, even though it’s only through your blog-you write so beautifully. I wish I knew you personally-I think we’d get a long awesomely…you don’t b.s. and tell it like it is. As for a memorial for Owen…I think it will come to you in time; some things can’t be rushed. It will probably come to you when you are least expecting it and it will feel so right that you will know that’s what you are supposed to do. In the meantime, I think what you are doing now…spreading faith, organ donation and sharing your story with us is already something that God and Owen would want you to do. If I were to meet you I’d also give you a big hug..you’ve been such an inspiration to me and helping me to heal something I didn’t realize I was so lost from. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Blessings to you and your family and Owen watching you from Heaven.

  23. I found your blog from a friend of yours that you knew in high school, I had just lost my daughter a month prior to reading your blog, I enjoyed reading it because we had something in common, I woke to my daughter being gone, The hospital tried for two hours to revive her, it is the worst thing anyone can ever go through, I was so strong for so long and now I am at my breaking point, I don’t know what to do anymore! I am going to be honest when u said “what makes me and Owen so much more important than any other baby” I have felt the same way, about my daughter with this story, why does your son get all the attention my daughter was 2 months and 3 days when she passed why does she not get this attention! Jealous is the way I was feeling god does not want us to be jealous about someone or something! They still have not given us a cause of death and this is so hard not to know why or what happened! She slept for hours the night before was this my warning sign something was going to happen and I missed it! My daughter was at children’s for 5 days strait 4 days prior to her passing for them to say we are looking at SIDS when she clearly was sick angers me! Look deeper there is something you are missing there has to be she was SICK! She was getting better they say, so you are telling me its coincidental that my daughter was admitted to children’s for 5 days on oxygen, they release her cuz shes getting better, we go back to the ped. the day after we got released, again shes retracting a little she said she looked like she was getting better and then she passed three days later! Ok let me stop the anger is building up! God bless you though for sharing your story, and to figure out what u need to do don’t rush it god will guide you through this. Hugs to you

  24. I’m completely changed by your blog and by your Owen! I’m blown away at your strength and courage, your selflessness, but especially in your faith. Your faith is SO strong and has never seemingly been waivered. You are amazing to me. I think of my kids. The love for my children has always been strong, but now I appreciate them more. I had never seen my children as being “on borrow from the big man upstairs”, but they are! Now I realize that… Keep praying… the Lord does things in His time. And if you aren’t ready to set the memorial plan in action, then you don’t have to just yet. You can hold off and think a little more. No one would hold that against you. No matter what you choose to do though, Owen loves you and he will help you make the right decision. 🙂

  25. Elizabeth Scott

    Hey Mel,
    I don’t think I am going to be much help, but I couldn’t ignore your wanting to know why you, why Owen, why your blog, what it means to me. I came upon your blog and started reading it initially because of the triplets. My daughter is on fertility medicine and I was thinking “we might be this blessed one day”. I wanted to see what life was like with 3 at the same age. You write well, and real. So I continued to follow. Then came every parents nightmare – putting a healthy baby to bed only to have tragedy take them away. Now I followed because we were sharing a similar road. My foster son didn’t die, but after raising him and his sister for a year, and looking forward to being their Forever Mommy, they were taken away and placed in another home. The pain was unbearable. I kept reading your blog to see where in your journey you are, and to pray for you at each step. Telling you that you will breathe again, and without the heart stopping pain is a moot point. You’ll know that yourself when the time comes. Until then you’ll get up, take in air, let it out, eat, take care of your family, cry, laugh, ache, sleep and do it again. Rather than being a depressing description of your life, it is actually healing you are going through. Remember your car wreck and injuries? You didn’t walk, or go pain free, within days of the accident. You won’t move through your grief for your child any faster. Even if you stopped writing today I’d still pray for you, care about you and your family.
    As to the memorial I have a question – are you afraid that if you put your plans for the memorial on the back burner for awhile that it might never get done? I am a go getter. If I have an idea, for anything, I want to go for it now, this minute, get out of my way. I, too, have a sense of what feels right, and if it feels right I’ll move mountains to see it through. I also can plummet to the depths of despair if it doesn’t feel right and I am lost as to what to do. Because I fear I’ll never get motivated if I wait, like I have to strike while the iron is hot. I also want burning bush revelations, not gentle whispers. I’m rather hard of hearing and I worry about missing those whispers. But what I want to suggest, and feel free to ignore it – you have to do what works for you – but maybe this is a time to be still and let God show you. Yes, it feels like He’s dropped you off and no map, but that’s what my daughter feels about the baby she can’t have right now and I know that’s not true. God was with Jesus in Gethsemane and He’s with us in our garden of pain. I have every confidence that there is something worthy of Owen and you will know it when it comes to you and that waiting for that perfect idea is not a bad thing. Remember the book the Christmas Box?
    If I remember correctly the author just wrote it for his kids and family/friends. He had no idea that grieving parents would latch on to the part in the book of the garden and angel, and that it would be a legacy of his book to make special places for grief and healing to take place for parents whose children had died. Your precious memorial may already be forming in your heart and you just don’t know it yet. If you give it some time that idea will grow until you have no doubt.
    You are Precious in His sight, and in my heart.
    Nahum 2:1
    Elizabeth

  26. why? because, mel, you are a good person. not even justa good person, a great person. a great mom. that’s why i follow you. you offer me hope, show me how to live. i would give just about anything to take away your pain, and i feel that by listening to you, through your blogs, i can at least be another set of open arms for you.

  27. missi

    Why you, why your blog, why Owenge???? For me it is because your story could very easily be any of our stories! This hit close to home for me because I to am a mom of multiples and my babies are not much older than yours! I am guilty of the early days of my pregnancy and again the newborn phase of quietly asking God why I was chosen to be given the blessing but also HARD job of being a mom to multiples. I would then feel horrible for even questioning the hand that was dealt to me and often wondered if anything were to ever happen to either of them would it be my fault for questioning God’s will.
    I have learned many things about myself since becoming a mom, and one of those is the appreciation I have for “real” people especially “real” moms. By this I mean those that don’t sugarcoat things, who are not afraid to be truthful. Yes, we all love are children and know we are blessed to have them in our lives, but I love to read other “Mommy Blogs” where moms are keeping it real! This is why I love your blog so much and why I care.

  28. Kathy

    I read your blog because you are real. I appreciate your willingness to share your faith and your fears. Sometimes I feel I am “too Christian” for some of my friends and “not Christian enough” for others (which is a ridiculous idea in itself. But your blog reminds me that “real Christians” do have struggles, doubts, fears, as well as joy and peace. So please keep it up because whether it is through the tragic loss of Owen or the everyday details of motherhood you are witnessing in a mighty way! 🙂

  29. Why? Because it helps me to appreciate my blessings more. And because your strength is inspiring. It is too easy to take things for granted and pretend like bad things don’t happen. Reading stories like Owen’s humbles me and puts things into perspective. Reading stories like yours teaches me that it is possible to move on after tragedy. I am learning through your experiences. They are not in vain. As a mother, my heart breaks for you. I can’t imagine experiencing the horror you have. I hope I never have to, but if I do, I will look to your experiences and example for strength. Thank you so much for sharing. xo – Jill

  30. I have followed for a while, thought of you often but never posted.

    Why you? My son was born shortly before Owen, so I could relate immediately. Reading backwards through your blog, I was drawn in by the pictures that put such a beautiful face to the boy I had been reading about. Beyond that, you have a concise way of articulating everything–the pain, hopes, fears and indecision.
    You make me look at the world differently. When someone is grumpy or rude, I give them slack as I wonder what they may be going through. I hug my son tighter, longer. When he wants to sleep in our bed, I cherish his smell, his warmth. I take time to really hear his laughs.

    Thank you for making me a better mom!

  31. Rachel

    I think the story, your story is moving because you were so honest in what was going on and where you are at and it’s heart wrenching to see someone go through the loss of a child regardless if you know the person or not. For me it’s a reminder of how blessed I am and on those days you get frustrated as a parent and want to scream and think what am I doing it makes you more humble and grateful for what you do have. It’s a very real reminder of how fleeting life can be and how little control we have over it no matter how hard we try. It’s a reminder that God does have a plan and even when it’s something as horrible as losing a child you have no idea where it can take you, where it can take others and who it will touch and what it can change. A small ripple can become a large wave.

    As for what you are doing or supposed to do I don’t have the answer to that but I can share a little bit of my story with you in hopes that it will guide you in the right direction. In January 2010 I was struggling in my marriage, struggling in finding my own way, what is it I am supposed to do with my life. There are so many things I am interested in but which one is the right one. At 32 years old and a mother of 3 you would think I would know what I’d want to be when I grew up! I was given a small book from a friend called, Prayer of Jabez. The book is about what the prayer means and how to pray it and how it will change your life. The long and short of it is that we are all given talents and we are to use those talents to glorify God. If we pray to God for more, not in a selfish way (more wealth, easy life, etc…) but to help others and to open our boundaries in ways to glorify God that you will be surprised with the results. So that’s what I did. I prayed for guidance in what I am supposed to be doing, I prayed for ways to help others, I prayed for God to open my boundaries and show me a different way.

    Around that same time I walked into church and there was an opportunity to go to Haiti after the earthquake to help them rebuild. It was such an A’Ha moment. It was like a red neon sign, flashing at me. It said to me This, Here, Right Now is what you are supposed to do. Can you hear me now? I have never before in my life felt called to one thing or another let alone a neon sign beckoning my involvement. I came up against my own family that didn’t want me to go out of fear but I couldn’t back down and walk away. I asked and I was given a clear answer how could I say hey thanks but not right now? I should make clear that after hearing the devastating news about Haiti on the radio I was sad for them and thought how horrible but I did not feel any pull or immediate need to get on a plane to go help them. This was something completely new on my radar. I went to Haiti for a week in November of 2010 and it was an amazing experience in my life, one that has changed who am and how I view my life and my family. It changes how I give back and my direction for my life. I cannot wait to go back to help again and again and again. We have much we can teach the Haitians but there is so much they can teach us too.

    I hope it helps and don’t put so much pressure on yourself to figure it all out. You will figure it out when you are supposed to. Just try and sit still and be silent in prayer and when something comes across your path on a random day that affects you, pulls you and you just cannot ignore it that is your sign. 🙂

    I hope that you feel how loved your family is from the world over who have been blessed enough to read your blog, to pull from your strength in their own time of weakness and those who have been given a very tangible reminder of how fragile life is. I pray for you and your family often. May the days ahead bring a smile to your face and ease the sadness from your hearts.

    Sincerely,
    Rachel J

  32. Krystal

    Hi Mel,
    I’ve been following your blog since the night you found Owen in his crib. I’ve since gone through previous posts and I’ve been following your story ever since. I’m in NS, Canada. Although I’m thousands of miles away from you, I feel like I know you. So, why do I follow? I follow for many reasons. Your honesty and faith have captivated me. The devastation of losing a child brought me to tears many nights while I read your blog and I continue to come back to see how you’re coping. How any parent who lost a child can cope is beyond me but I come back to send you prayers telepathically through a computer screen. I follow because I’ve come to love Owen as though I’ve known him. I continue to pray for you and your family, Mel, and I pray and love you all.

  33. miranda

    I think you have touched so many people. Cause

  34. Nicci

    I don’t have children. I continue to read your blog and talk about it and share it with others because your unwavering faith in God is an example we should all live by. You were losing your little boy and your faith was beyond what most of us think we are capable of. That’s why your story touched me.

  35. Sandie Pfeiffer

    Good Morning Melissa:

    I wanted to respond to your question today, of why Owen’s story was different than other ones for me. I think the most important reason is because your blog has shared your faith and personal feelings and that has touched many of us and made it become personal for us. I think it also helped as a member of your church having had the chance to see Owen and his brothers which made it real when the incident happened. When I see orange which was always one of my personal favorite colors, it reminds me of Owen and your family’s struggles. No matter what you decide regarding Owen’s memorial it will be what is right for you. Know that we are praying for your family daily and that you are a true blessing in faith to all.

  36. kelly kastner-fouts

    Why am I moved? Intertwined in your life and the life of your beautiful son? Why do I secretly read and re-read your postings, when no one is around- in private, like a crack addict? It has taken me sometime to respond to your blog and today just seems to be the right time….because You deserve to know why I am moved by what you are going through. You see, I too have an Owen…and three other kids. And one year ago we lost our Owen too. Not in the same way that you lost your Owen, but the Owen that we loved and held and cherished, for 15 months fell into our swimming pool- and that Owen died. Today, one year later, we have the “new” Owen…the sweet, beautiful, miraculous- but oh so damaged Owen, who works so hard everyday to come back to us. And oh how I pray for him to come back to us, if even just a little bit. And so I read your blog, and I pray for your family- and I am grateful for your Owen, his story and your faith and strength makes some of my sleepless nights a little more bearable. We also wear Orange for our Owen (ironic isn’t it?), but for a different reason….when we were at Children’s Hospital last year, my Dad starting putting the orange housekeeping rubberbands around his wrist and when people asked him why he had them on, he’d say “for Owen”. And it stuck, before we knew it we couldn’t keep enough orange rubber bands in his room and so I eventually ordered some orange rubber bracelets for everyone to wear. We love Owenge! I love hearing you talk about Owenge, it gives me strength and hope for the future. I am grateful to you and need to know that. And you need to know that whatever direction you choose to go- is yours alone, trust me there are no texts books on how to deal with this kind of grief. We are writing our own stories as we go. Everytime I wear my orange Just Breathe shirt now I think of you, and try to send positive thoughts your way- so that you will remember to take time and just breathe.

  37. Shannon W

    Mel, so many other posters have put my thoughts into words much better than I could ever do, but I’ll try to explain to you why I read. I, too, have suffered from depression since middle school. I have an 8 year old daughter who is such an absent minded professor and a 2 year old son who gets great pleasure out of destroying anything and everything. I was starting to reach my breaking point. Then, I found out I was pregnant with my 3rd child. Throughout my pregnancy I resented this baby. Even after she was born, I had thoughts of why am I doing this again. How can I handle raising 3 kids when all I want to do is crawl under a rock until I feel better…as if I can just magically feel better. Why can’t there be a miracle pill that you take and can instantly turn me into a happy, functioning, nurturing mother? Why is being a mother who struggles with depression so hard? Then I read a friend’s facebook status requesting prayers for Owen. I’ve read all of your posts…from the very beginning now. You are an AMAZING writer!!! You put your thoughts and feelings down so beautifully. I relate to your joys, frustrations, and guilt in being a mother, wife, and just a human being. I check back here daily hoping you’ll put into writing just how I’m feeling. Your words are validating my feelings. We’re human. We make mistakes. We’re mortals. Our life on Earth isn’t forever. Some are here for such a short time. Why does God do what he does? I struggle with this question each and every day. What I can say is that I suspect you’re a lot like me in being self-critical. You want to do things right. You don’t want to disappoint others. Sometimes we just need to cut ourselves some slack and acknowledge that we’re doing the best we can. And for today, our best is good enough.

  38. Mel,
    I’m one of Heather S’s friends. We’ve met a few times at various functions, and I’ve been following you since Heather sent out a prayer email about Owen.
    I’ve been going through a rough time after the loss of my fiance, and have struggled with depression as well. Over the last 2 years, I have felt God ministering to me (sloooowly). Grief is not a cookie-cutter business. It takes longer than we want it to, but I am starting to believe again that God is with us every step of the way, and that faith isn’t about a feeling as much as we may think.
    It’s true what Esperanza says (above): “Maybe God isn’t giving you a direction right now because he’s not so concerned with the direction. Maybe he’s just content being proud of you for all that you’ve already done.”
    For not being a believer, she’s certainly got it right. His “will” is one of the most common things that we all misunderstand, but if you are seeking Him, His “will” is RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE. Whichever flowers you decide on for the memorial, whatever decisions you make to honor Owen, you are still honoring him. And the way you choose it to be will be the right choice. God cares about the heart, and He gives us freedom to make these choices.
    If you have a chance, a great message from my church (Summit Church in Durham, NC) this past weekend can be found here: http://sermons.summitrdu.com/
    It’s called “Why Suffering?” Amazing stuff. Keep on keepin’ on, girl! Be encouraged today! ❤
    Romans 8:34

  39. Megan

    I’ve been reading your blog since Owen was taken to the hospital. It was posted on someone’s wall, I can’t even quite remember who, but someone from Norbert’s where I also went to school. And I was drawn to it. Call me crazy but I’m somehow drawn to these horrific stories that you can’t possibly imagine happening to someone. And I haven’t been able to leave your blog since. I check back at least once a week to see how you are even though we’ve never met.

    2 years ago my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 throat and lung cancer. My dad is my world and my world had been shattered when I found this out. They live in Colorado and I visited often, helping to go to cancer treatments, doctor’s appts. He was supposed to go through 35 days of radiation treatment. On the night of his 34th (was almost finished!) he slipped out of consciousness and my mom found him unresponsive around 3am. He was taken to the hospital and has never been the same since. They say he suffered a brain injury to the frontal lobe. He’s lost his personality, his laugh, everything that made him, him, is gone. So I guess when I read your story, my heart just ached. Although our stories are so very different, I somewhat relate to this in a weird way and writing to you helps me. I pray that miracles do happen and that maybe, just maybe, my dad will return to me one day. He’s been fighting the cancer now for almost 2 years so I need to thank God for that, right?

    I will continue to pray for you and your family. You’re a beautiful writer and Owen would be so proud of what you have done in the short amount of time since he’s been gone.

  40. Nicole

    Your faith and brutal honesty is what has moved me. God is always near, sometimes he is just quietly watching over us until the proper time for action. For my father that was 3 years until he was ready. Then we could fully understand that the worst case scenario surgery was actually the biggest blessing. Hang in there, God is answering your prayers. His timing will bring understanding and you will know the proper memorial when it is time. God Bless you and your family.

  41. Katie

    Melissa, what moved me…and still does move me is how your story has Gods will throughout. Why did the second baby fall asleep just when he did…which sent someone into their room at just the right moment…and instead of leaving Owen sleeping as he was that person touched him…which allowed you to keep him alive long enough to save 2 children! God made all that happen. Lined up those events just right. And although those 2 other people’s miracles meant your world shattering you lived it with grace, accepting gods will. Be still. Once you pray about this…follow what is on your heart. Don’t second guess yourself. What is in your heart is what God has put there! And remember…the thing or things you do don’t have to be huge or extravagant. Think of little Owen. He was a tiny package who made an enourmous impact.

  42. Emily Schober

    Melissa – wow – so many responses to this blog entry! I’ve never commented before, well maybe just one short comment. I don’t know, I guess it’s not just Owen but that you could be any of us. I have triplets also, and am just a regular mom like you. Any of us can find out at any time that we have just months to live, and I guess that’s what compelling about your story. Not just to hug my own kids tighter but to let some of my anger and frustration go with them or with my husband, because all of us are short timers on this planet. I think whatever memorial you decide upon, will be a good one. Anything that brings happines or joy or peace or comfort to other people will be a blessing. Whether it’s toward a children’s hospital or towards SIDS or donations towards a children’s playground, if it brings happiness or help or strength or comfort to another person it will be well worth it and a fitting tribute to Owen. Don’t worry too much about making it perfect. Whatever you do will be with much love for the world, it is who you are and that’s why we like reading you posts, I guess it’s the love for your family and for the world and your kindness. It just shines through! Orange for Owen, and for you. Orange for everyone! Orange for peace.

  43. I am also a November 2010 Mommy (twins) and started following your blog the night it happened after someone posted a link for us to pray for Owen on the Nov 2010 fb page. Losing Owen broke my heart and I have prayed for your continued strength more times then I can count. Why Owen? He is the same age as my babies and his face makes my heart melt, what a cutie!!! I follow your blog because I am blown away at your grace and honesty during the past few months. You are so open about everything that it feels more like I am reading a friends letter then a strangers blog and by reading it I feel as if I am supporting you and being a shoulder to lean on and maybe that will in some strange way bring comfort to you. Where do you go? You can do no wrong, anything you do to honor Owen is perfect and exactly what you should be doing. I posted a photo of my babies supporting Owen dressed in Orange and I wear a orange wrist band reminding me that I should never take one second for granted.

  44. kim

    Hi Mel, I also am addicted to your blog. I read everyday. We are close in age, you live a town away from me. Its so strange to think, I feel like I no you, and we have never met. I think about you and your kiddos everytime I see, wear, or put orange on my kiddos. I have no idea why I love your blog. We lost my step son at 4 years old. I feel like all losses connect people, especially mothers. I am so heart broken over your experience. I understand most of your emotions. You are an excellent writer!! I am astounded by your faith, and deep love for God, it deepens my faith to read your words. Your Jaden sounds hillarious! Im praying for you, and your boys, and hubby. You are an amazing woman. The orange, the blog, the sights and sounds and feelings never leave. Owen will always be on your mind and in your heart, you are his mom. Thank you for sharing your life with us!! (((((hugs)))))
    Kim

  45. Amy S.

    I am so moved by your story because you are so honest with your emotions and true to yourself. You will figure out what you are supposed to do but you can’t rush it, good things take time 🙂

  46. Mel, Your story is different to me because although Owen is not the first baby I have heard about passing, You are the first mother who has been open, honest and upfront about your emotions and your families emotions. You have taken your readers and friends into a very quiet and sacred place, typically reserved for family, not strangers. You opened your world to us and gave us a chance to get to know Owen, what your feelings are and where and what your future may hold. This blog wasn’t just a beginning, middle and an end. There were cliff hangers but we were right there with you hanging on the cliff, praying for peace to Owen and your family. Sobbing daily, crying often, glued to the “what next”? Reaching out to us and we were and are all trying to reach in to show our love for your family. To want to unburden your from a pain that is alas yours to carry. That is the hardest reality, that you are the only one who can come to terms with this. I wear Owenge often hoping to one day meet someone else out there who knows the story. I want to meet another random, like minded person. Owenge , Owen was a sweet looking baby and hopefully without upsetting you, I think he looks the most like you. I hope that you find your purpose and run with it. As you say, color the world Owenge!

  47. cynthia

    I think it is you and Owen. You have a way of inspiring people. and maybe this is your purpose. to inspire. to help others change. i know it may sound funny but what better legacy for owen then helping others be better people. the pay it forward is a great way to describe it. if you can inspire people to do something good for someone else and they in turn inspire others
    that could be huge. you aways refer to owen as a worrior. maybe you are here to gather his army. an army of people who do good for others. just remember inspiration is a wonderful gift. a gift that you really do have. thank you for inspiring me.

  48. Jerimiah 29:11

    For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

  49. Pingback: Introducing Little Warriors | Three Times the Fun

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s