The night before the birthday party I had these interrupting thoughts and hopes on how I would Owen would show his presence to me. I imagined a monarch butterfly in the freezing cold night. I think I would have honestly pooped my pants if I saw a monarch butterfly on a cold November night. As soon as I thought it I knew it wouldn’t happen. I tried to clear my head of any other thoughts … trying not to ruin the surprise I was sure God had in hand for me for Saturday night.
When in the field, I felt empty. I couldn’t find Owen. Where the hell are you kid? I “think” to you all that time …. not actually saying all the words out loud but telling you how much I love you in my silence. I was disappointed. I had hoped and almost expected a great spiritual experience. I fully expected to feel Owen in the field more than any other time. Yet, there was emptiness. Have you lost me child? Worse yet, have you left me Owen? I’m not ready … I still need you on my shoulder, with me.
I was driving to church on Sunday morning. The trees were orange in color and arching over both sides of the road.
There you are Owen. Where have you been?
“Mom, I’m doing what you taught me. I’m loving others.”
I thought I had lost you …. I couldn’t find you.
“You taught me it’s important to love everyone. Sometimes they need me more. I go and be with them … let them feel my spirit. But I always come back to you.”
I’m proud of you … I’m proud that you seek others out to love them.
“Do you want me to stop? Do you want me to stay with you from now on?”
No Owen, go and love others. I won’t panic next time. I’ll wait for you to come back to me. I want everyone to know what it feels like to have you near.
If you feel Owen near you … tell him that I’m proud of him. Tell him I love him and I’ll leave a light on for him.