197 Days

Owen lived for 197 days … I have had OWEN written on my calendar over today and tomorrow since I did the math.  This would mark the day that he’s been dead for as long as he’s been alive.  I remember asking myself in prayer, what would it feel like when he has been gone longer than he was alive?  Ironically … I did the math wrong.  On 12/10/11 he has been in heaven for 198 days.  I missed it.  The scale has already tipped and you know what?  I didn’t even know.  It feels the same.  There isn’t a magical switch that has been flipped.

What does that do for today then?  I’ve been praying about today, anticipating what I was going to feel like.  Contemplating if I would do anything special to remember him.  I’m not sure how I feel now.  I still feel a weight on my shoulders.  A fear resides inside of me as to when I may or may not break down or freak out.  I feel like I’m ok, but walking on egg shells.  I could crack at any moment.  Or maybe not at all.

Does it mean that I am free to be ok today? No longer bound to the harsh reality that TODAY is significant?  A day that would only be remembered by a grieving mother?  No clue.  No freaking clue.

Today is today.  Dec 12.  Three days before we head up to Green Bay to celebrate Christmas with Doug’s family.  Monday.  Last night at our peer-to-peer support group before the holidays.  The day more of the Christmas presents I ordered online come in the mail (hopefully).  Laundry day.  A day means so many things.  A tangled ball of yarn.  Unknowing of where one piece starts and the other ends.

I made sure to reconnect with the babies this morning.  We practiced how to blow kisses, blow raspberries and played This Little Piggy Went to Market. I’m going to be forgiving to myself.  Allow myself to feel what it is that I need to feel today.

Love, Mel

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9 Comments

Filed under Owen's Gone

9 responses to “197 Days

  1. Aimee S

    Mel, you are such a fabulous mother…happy children!!!

  2. Amber

    You are such a great mommy. You’ll always remember Owen, and it will always be special no matter the day. Happy you had fun playing with the triplets. They are so cute.

  3. Sara

    I think you are doing an amazing job keeping Owen in our hearts while also taking care of his brothers, his dad and you. That is a lot to accomplish, so go easy on yourself. Know that so many people love you, are proud of you and believe in you.

  4. It took me 15 years to overlook my father’s death anniversary. Every year, I replayed those horrible final moments… and then one day, it just stopped. There was an incredible sense of peace (and hesitation) when I woke the next day and realized I’d “forgotten.”

    It’s ok to go on, to let go, and to be happy. You loved Owen with all your heart – there’s nothing left to prove to him, to yourself, or to anyone else. I know that 197 days is a fresh wound and it might take YOU 15 years… but you will find that peace.

    Be blessed Mel. Merry Christmas!

  5. He he he…their smiles are SOOOOO stinken’ cute. What a joy.

  6. bec

    Your little guys are very cute indeed! Such gorgeous, cheeky little grins! Mel, you are a great Mum! 🙂 xoxoxo

  7. jeanette

    Those little boys are so precious. I love there smiles so much.. Owen will always be remembered!!!! God bless Mel.

  8. Judy

    Hi Mel-
    I’ve been following your blog since May, but never posted a response or had the courage to meet you in person! You are such a strong courageous women and you inspire me!
    Lately you’ve been on my mind because of a book I just finished reading. The book is called “The Shack”. If you’ve never read it, I would encourage it. The book has changed my entire outlook on life and faith.
    Know that you are a TERRIFIC mother, and your little Owen is smiling down on you so very proud of you!
    I hope you have a blessed Christmas!
    Judy

    • Mel

      Hi Judy,
      I read that book a while ago – on a recommendation from a friend who does not like to read 🙂 I too loved the book. If you are interested in another good one that is along the same lines you should try “Dinner With a Perfect Stranger.” Just got done reading that one and I enjoyed it. Best of all, it’s a quick read!

      Thanks for your comment. Blessings to you and your family this Christmas season!
      Love, Mel

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