My prayer has a name

Upside down and inside out.  Josie is her name.  The little girl who is carrying around Owen’s heart as her own.  Her mom emailed me last night.  I wrote her a letter months ago, but finally mailed it just before Christmas.  Someone passed along a link to the blog and she knew it was us.

There is so much to feel, yet I have no clue what to think.  A face.  A name for the little girl I have been praying for for so long.  It’s real.  This is happening.

A Dec 19th journal entry on her CaringBridge site says she’ll need another transplant at some point.  Owen’s heart isn’t going to last much longer.  Anger.  Pissed off.  I want to feel his heart beat again.  To feel the warmth of his muscle giving blood to a little girl’s body.  Now I might not ever get to see the face of someone carrying Owen’s gift.  His liver failed.  And now his heart might too.

Time.  I know.  I get it.  Owen still gave time.  He still played a special role in saving these girl’s lives.  But my miracle was supposed to be seeing his life in someone else.  I was patient.  Understanding.  Giving.  Still praised His name through this.  And I STILL don’t get what I most hope for?

Miracles happen every day.  Maybe if I pray hard enough his heart will still work.  God is still working in this world, in my life, in Josie.  I can’t control this world.  I have to give up my own hopes and wishes and put them in God.  It’s not my will to be done, it’s His.

I know this.  The more I try to plan something out, the more disappointed I am.  When I just let things happen and accept it’s greatness, I am filled with joy and strength.

I remember my prayer over Owen’s bed.  I prayed for God to do what was best.  He could see the entire world.  I would be ok if this didn’t work out in our favor.  It was for the greater good.  I need to go back to that prayer.  Let His will be done.  Protect those that I love.  Watch over Josie and her family.  Give them strength and power to fight the days that are still to come.  It’s still along road to recovery for her.

Just take it all in … let the feelings flow.  Allow myself to feel what I need to feel.  Accept my feelings even if I’m not proud of them.  I can’t stop saying her name in my head … Josie, Josie, Josie … over and over.  Just like I couldn’t get the name Owen out of my head for months.  I’m still in shock.  This is really happening …

Love, Mel

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9 Comments

Filed under Posted by Melissa

9 responses to “My prayer has a name

  1. Sending prayers for Josie, her family and you.

  2. lindsey

    Prayers for you, your family, Josie and her family!!! Thinking of you!

  3. The Lord still has a plan for Owen…and for Josie. Let go…and trust in him to do what is best for all. But…in the mean time….go ahead and feel how you want to feel. Pray for strength and understanding. He will answer….in his own due time.

    We’re praying for you here in WA!

  4. jeanette

    Sending my prayers to you and Josie’s family. May god continue to give u the strength to move forward. I’m sure this is hard for you to hear, continue believing in the man upstairs.

  5. I’m sending prayers to you and Josie’s family

  6. What a mix of emotions you must be going through. How sweet that his heart has sustained Josie yet sad it may not last long. I’ll be praying with you for that miracle that his heart would stabilize and last a full lifetime in Josie! Praying for you too as you process this amazing gift Owen gave yet, the grief of missing him and mixed emotions. May you have peace as you “let go and let God”. The best thing I read today was quote:
    “we may not know what the future holds, but we do know WHO holds the future” Joyce Meyer
    Peace to you
    Nancy
    (friend of Sarah B)

  7. Heather

    My Dearest Mel,
    When after hours and hours on bypass, our 2 week-old Finn was brought out of his first open heart surgery, we dealt with things from minute to minute. Ventilator, pacer wires (still attached to his heart), drainage tubes, and I think I remember counting 14 IV pumps running at the same time, central lines, and even access to his bloodstream through his umbilical cord- all to keep this tiny 6 pound boy we had just met, and barely held, with us. Three years later, this same boy was holding Ja

  8. Heather

    Oops.. hit the wrong button.. Finn & Jaden were holding hands and launching themselves at your parents’ couch. We live every day with the “T” word looming overhead, knowing its just a matter of time before we are the donor recipient family waiting anxiously, awkwardly and prayerfully in the private waiting room. Each day Owen’s warrior heart beats inside Josie, she is blessed beyond words. Together with Owen, you all have given life and I can’t think of a more selfless way to do what God has so importantly asked of us- to love one another. From the flip side, it feels so completely selfish to be “waiting” for a heart for your child at the expense of someone else’s grief and loss. You inspire me to leave things in God’s hands and use my own to serve Him. Your honest and raw emotions make me feel human.
    Knowing you and seeing you smile, laugh and tickle tiny toes brings me peace. God bless Josie and her family. She can truly say she has the heart of a warrior!!

    another.

  9. I just want to add my hugs and my prayers – I found your blog from the Top Mommy Blogs and after reading so many posts I just couldn’t walk away without commenting – and adding my prayers…..no words. Just prayers.

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