I just don’t want to

Lately I’ve been feeling “done.”  Like I don’t want to do this anymore.  Please Lord pick someone else … I think it’s someone else’s turn.  I’m tired, sick and just done.  I feel empty inside.

Up until this morning I was thinking it was just exhaustion that was stealing my motivation. I just need a Mommy-cation and I’d be better.  But maybe, just maybe it’s been grief building up.  Maybe grief is the silent hole that has been sucking out my positive outlook and my “I can accomplish and do anything” thoughts.  I’ve totally lost my motivation.  Empty.

I found myself overwhelmed in church this morning with the pain that some of my family never met Owen.  They aren’t in my life to enjoy my three children on earth.  Hell, they have never even met Logan and Weston and some of them have never met Jaden.  They’ve missed it.  They missed Owen, they are missing my other three kids.  Why do I can so much?  Shouldn’t I be saying “it’s your loss?”  Why am I letting this get to me?

It’s not that I don’t know what I need to do … it’s that I just don’t want to.  I know that I need to put my “big girl pants” on and take care of the sick boys in my house (regardless of whether or not I”ve caught the cold myself).  They need me.  I know I need to find some sort of energy to keep up with the dishes.  I just don’t want to.  I want to lay on the couch.  I want to get lost in being Mel.  Whoever she is.  It feels like it’s been so long since I was allowed to just be Mel.  Get lost in my own thoughts and feelings.  But isn’t being Mel also being Mom?  Are they one in the same?  They don’t feel the same these days … mom sounds like something I just don’t wanna do.  Mel sounds like a long-lost memory.

Funny thing?  All I want to do is knit some hats.  That’s all.  Life just isn’t letting me do that.  The naps are too short.  When I put the kids down for bed at night I only seem to have enough time to do the dinner dishes before one of them is up.  When Doug volunteers to take a turn and rock Logan, and I have just sat down to pick up where I left off two days ago … Weston wakes up.

I just want some relief, a break from everything.  It just seems like there is a stronger power taking all those breaks from me.  Why is it so hard to just find time for myself?

I love my kids.  I really do … I feel guilty saying this but I just want to run from them.  They take up so much of my energy.  Is this a normal mom feeling?  Is this a normal grieving mom feeling?  Or is this some power I’m supposed to be changing and fighting off?  Do I give in and find time away … feeling guilty for running from my family.  Do I stick it out and hope it soon passes?

Wow.  Now that was a depressing post.  But it’s the way I’m feeling.  Life isn’t all roses and butterflies.  Even for those with faith.  We all lose our way.  It’s the giving it up that heals us.  I pray for the humbleness to hand it all over to God … to allow Him into my heart so He can start to heal me.  I pray for His wisdom and strength in my hour of darkness and feeling of loss.

It will get better.  I know it’s just a phase.  But the day is dark and the road is long …

Love, Mel

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21 Comments

Filed under Grief, Posted by Melissa

21 responses to “I just don’t want to

  1. Beth Anne K

    Mel,
    I am feeling similar emotions myself and I don’t know how to sort through it all, either — are my feelings due to the demands of motherhood? Are they caused by grief? Is it the winter blahs? And those thoughts that just start nagging at me out of the blue? I sure wish they would go away!
    Wishing you strength and peace, from one grieving mom to another.

  2. monica

    do you have other close friends or family in the area to give you some relief at home? this is a hard time with the younger boys–they want a lot of attention and can’t entertain themselves for very long, if at all. you need to find 30min to an hour a day to just do something for you. knitting,reading, whatever. i recently went back to my yoga practice after 2 yrs away. having that hour out of the house, doing something for only myself, has been extraordinary for my mental state. i feel more focused, more like my old self, more patient with my 28 month old, more giving towards my family. see if you can find someone to watch the boys, even a couple days a week for an hour, and do something truly for yourself.

  3. I suffered with postpartum depression for 2 years before I sought help. I had MANY of the same feelings I am reading here. The truth is…even getting away for a while didn’t help. I thought it would…so I kept running away…hoping that things would be better when I got back but they never were. Not until I got help (counseling and medication). Now…when I need a break, I can take it and feel refreshed when I get home.

    I’m not tying to label you as depressed. I have no idea what you are dealing with. But…if you are, there is no shame in seeking help. You’ve been through a lot.

  4. Kathy

    If you deeply feel the need for a break, there’s a reason. From what I see you have a wonderful support system that would be glad to help. A girl’s night in a hotel and a massage?! It won’t take away the pain but everyone needs a break. You need to take of YOU, too.

  5. Karen

    I think why your feeling is a mommy thing. There are days that it feels like stress is crushing me. I can’t handle it, I want to scream, run away. Every time that happens, I take a few minutes, disappear and pray. It’s not a magical cure , but it gets me through. It sounds like you do need a break. You need a day of you. Whatever you want to do, by yourself or with friends.

  6. Morgan

    You are not alone. I’ve felt this way several times, certain times get worse. Talking to a professional can help, talking to others in grief can help. Everyone grieves differently and that grief can not only build up but sneak up when you least expect it.
    Your words make it easier to know that others have expierenced some similar feelings.
    Morgan

  7. Andrea

    I am a first time poster, long time follower. I just wanted to let you know that I am pretty sure almost every mom feels this way at one time or another. And what you are going through is something no mother should ever have to endure. It might not hurt to go see your family Dr. and talk to him about how you are feeling, he may have some advice for you. I suffered from depression for a LONG time before I sought help and it was the best thing I ever did. Also there is no harm in putting the boys in front of the TV for an hour so that you can get some knitting done. If they won’t sit still put them in their high chairs. Best of luck and I hope you fell better soon. Andrea

  8. What you are feeling is totally 100% NORMAL. You are a mom and a GREAT mom at that…you just need a break. This happens to every mom and if you meet one that says she has never felt like this, she isn’t being honest. In order to be able to take care of your amazing little guys, you have to take care of you too. YOU are important. Never lose sight of that. Do something you like. SLEEP. Or get away for a few hours by yourself. It will get better. Thinking of you! xo

  9. Jody

    I read your post and please let me tell you, you are normal. If you aren’t, than neither am I! I think the weight of grief that you are still dealing with definitely increases the stress and pressures of everday life. I agree with Kristi, I dont think there is a mom out there that doesnt have feelings of “I cant do this anymore!” Kids are so demanding and it is just plain wearing and emotionally/mentally draining. I too love my kids but there are moments, probably daily, that I think “Holy Cow, GIVE ME A BREAK!” They come at you from all angles (we have 4) Sometimes I swear if I hear “MOM” one more time I may explode. We moms also carry around the guilt that I dont believe dads have. I know I do. My husband can leave and take his break with no guilt involved. I WANT to take my break but then when I do I feel bad that I wanted it and then miss them! Its a no win situation for me. So, with that being said, be kind to yourself. Give yourself the break you need and deserve and remember it’s ok. You have an enormous amount on your plate right now, you are doing what you can to get through. And you will get through this.

  10. Lezley

    I think it is a normal mom feeling. It takes a lot of energy being a mom, sometimes even moms with 1 kid feel it. A break would be good, maybe dinner at the Mineshaft and a sleepover at my house! The invitation is open if you need it.

  11. I have to agree with the previous posts that what you’re feeling isn’t unheard of. You’re a FABULOUS mom and it takes a very special kind of woman to be a stay at home mom – it’s the HARDEST job that God ever created. But you do need some time for just you to do whatever you need to do. It’s so much easier said than done, but if I can help in someway – you know I’m there in a heartbeat. Like Lezley said, the invitation to get away and have the mancave to yourself is always open. love you!

  12. Sara

    You are very normal. A friend recently posted a link to this article on her Facebook site about the real side of parenting and I think it is perfect for you. Take a read: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/dont-carpe-diem_b_1206346.html
    Do not feel guilt for wanting some quality time for just yourself. We demand and need vacation time in the workforce, so why wouldn’t SAHMs be given the same? Plan regular kid-free time into your schedule whenever possible, even if just for an hour twice a week. I have a workout class that I go to and I DETEST working out, but love it becuase it is MY time away.

  13. SoSaje

    Grief and normal mommy exhaustion – combined!! Funny you mention the compulsion to knit though. My crutch turned out to be crochet. 🙂 It was just easier to play with yarn (which OBEYED me) than face the truth that God had let my friend die, leaving two small kids (same ages as mine) without a mother. I didn’t realize how deep into depression I’d gotten until my hubby asked me – almost rhetorically – “Well, what DO you care about?!” and my answer was “Nothing.” Something finally clicked for me, and I objectively realized that was not a good place to be. I didn’t feel like it but finally got some help, and yet it was still a long year and a half (lots of other life challenges kept popping up too) before I started to feel like ME again. I know you’re already getting tons of support and counseling, and all the suggestions to find ways to take care of you are right on the money as well. But you know you already have THE single most important thing – a Father who loves you, gave HIS son for you, and wants nothing more than to love you completely, perfectly and forever. ❤

  14. Shell

    I think it’s normal to feel this way whether your grieving or not. When you’re sick it’s worse, because you are still expected to take care of everyone else even when you feel like crap! My husband has his “get away” every Thursday to play cards with his buddies while I’m always stuck at home with the kids…I want to scream at him “what about my time away???” The thing I look forward too all year long is girls weekend-a bunch of us get together and go camping. No make up, hair fixing, men, kids or work…just kicking back and relaxing with nothing to worry about! You need to do that for yourself…whether it’s for a weekend or a few hours. It may not make you feel like your old self-especially when you come home and you’re still mommy-but it helps!

  15. The stuff you’re talking would be hard for any mom, let alone one who is in mourning. Hang in there. You’re doing a great job! 🙂

  16. durgeat

    Definitely talk to a doctor Mel.

    I’m an active duty sergeant in the air force (and mommy to 3 gorgeous daughters.) I have been through MORE trials in life the last two years than I ever have… losing family members to cancer, gaining a daughter, etc. I was emotionally taxed!

    I did seek help, after talking with a friend who encouraged it. Doctor put me on Prozac (and I hate to say I was ashamed to need it.) I thought I was strong and could endure anything. I only stayed on it for about 2 months, and stopped taking it. But those two months were a much needed breath from the horrible stress and depression that I was plagued with.

    Good luck – and please know that ALL of your readers are here, faithfully reading every single day. . . grieving with you, praying for you, and following you every step of the way.

  17. Tempest

    I had feelings very similar to yours when I developed postpartum depression. The feeling of just…emptiness. And like i was just “done” being mom. I took Zoloft, and it really truly made life, well, life again. Please talk to a doctor…they are there to help you.

  18. Sophia Kaplan

    Hang in there mama! I have been following your blog for a long time now, but have never known what to say. I too have 3 boys, a 4.5 yr old and 13month old twins AND a cold. I know exactly that “done” and “lost”feeling that you’re talking about. ( I’ve had these exact same feelings these past 2 weeks as well) Although, I have not suffered a loss as deep as yours, I know that what you are feeling is a combination of everything that us MoMs go through every single day. The misery of the cold puts our patience at an all time low, especially since the kids are so little and demand so much of our time and energy. My greatest piece of advice is for you to find…no MAKE time for yourself. The guilt will be there(it’s temporary) but realize that without a healthy and at peace mommy, the house itself is not at peace. You must take care of yourself as a priority. Spend time with friends and have a few good belly laughs. The winter is almost over and the kids will be able to play outside finally!!! All the best to you and your family. I continue to keep you all in my thoughts.

  19. You sound very tired. Ask for help from family and friends to get a break. When I have the symptoms that you have, I know that I’m overtired, and that may be part of what you’re feeling. I don’t know what “normal” is, but the feelings that you have are very real, and so I think you should treat them that way.

  20. Shelli

    I don’t know how your grief is impacting your feelings right now, but I can tell you that raising multiples (and more) is cause enough for some time away. Of course you love your kids. I love mine too. But there are times, when I feel so “lost in mommy hood” that I don’t know how to find my way out. I find myself thinking, what did I like doing before the triplets arrived? I actually find myself wondering what life would be like if I was still “kid-less”. I started asking for little breaks….shopping (window or otherwise) until they were sound asleep so I could get a break for the evening, going on an overnight with a girl friend, having hubby take the kids out of the house so I could have a bath and read in SILENCE. These little breaks REALLY helped my attitude and replenished my spirit. There is a book called, “The bathtub is overflowing, but I feel drained”. It is a GREAT, easy read and deals with Mommy exhaustion. It is christian based and has wonderful advice. Perhaps it is worth a read for you??

  21. I sure hope those feelings are normal, because if not, many of us are in some serious trouble! I love my children too, and I feel even more guilty wanting to run from them at times – especially hearing stories like yours – shouldn’t I be thankful to God for every second with them, good or bad? Get yourself out for a girls’ night or even a few hours on your own to find Mel again. She’s there… you just have to dig her out from under Mommy!

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