I knew that feeling “yucky” again was only a matter of time. I didn’t really believe I was ‘back to my old self.’ Not really. That’s one of the things I took away from the last session of Healing Hearts. It’s when you think you are doing better that it hits you in the face and you are ten steps behind again.
Depression or feeling lost has been a friend of mine since I was probably 13 years old. I’ve always struggled with my self-image, what I wanted to do, belonging. I’ve always questioned if I was serving my purpose in life. I remember when I was first approached by my doctor about starting anti-depressants. I thought it was going to change who I was … who God had designed me to be. My pain was a part of me. Was it right to change that pain? To eliminate a part of me that felt the strongest?
An amazing friend took me out for dinner at Chi Chi’s (have no idea why I still remember that part of the story). He told me that he lives with ADD … he took medicine to help him focus. He never ever told anyone …. he was so embarrassed. But it was at that moment that I realized I loved him even more for being honest about who he was, “flaws” and all. It wasn’t something to be ashamed of. It wasn’t something that changed who he was. His soul was still present. It helped him to be a better him. It was just a means for him to be who God had made him.
So I found myself starting the anti-depressants my freshman year of college. You know what? I’m just a better me. I’m a me that can get out of bed each day, who doesn’t get swallowed up in the pits of life. The reality of it is though … the small pill doesn’t fix everything. I still have my pits, my down falls and my really shitty days. I have a week or two that I just don’t want to. That’s just where I find myself right now. But it’s a phase. I won’t let it last forever.
I took a lot of time in college trying to figure out what made me happy. I had to find a way to survive. I couldn’t stop the waves of depression from taking hold of my life, but I could find ways that would help me kick it faster. So I joined a step aerobics class. Yep, on my lunch I was steppin’ to the oldies with some of my professors! I started taking frequent trips to the craft store. I remember painting dozens of little jewelry boxes. I have no clue why, but it made me feel better.
Of course I tried other ways that didn’t work out like I had hoped. I drank too much. I tried to fix others rather than looking at myself. What do you really learn if you don’t fail first? I learned to embrace my pain. Embrace my short comings and the darkest part of my life. When you embrace them, they become blessings. They become the moments in life when God’s grace feels the closest.
So yes. My mood stinks right now. I don’t feel like I want to do much of anything. BUT I am trying to find a way to kick myself out of it. I see a grief counselor and I am open with her on how I am feeling. Brutally honest. The grief support group that Jaden and I attended in the fall is starting up again on Monday. I have found 10 or 15 mins here or there to work on knitting some hats for the Craft Hope Project. I talk with my husband when the kids are in bed. I ask for extra hugs. I call my mom … sometimes a few times a day. I treat myself to a Starbucks coffee. I keep myself busy … change the scenery every once in a while. Like yesterday, the babies and I played in the basement rather than the living room … it was a change of pace. Felt kind of nice.
I bear my soul on this blog. I’m not 100% sure why. Perhaps it’s because I know I’m not alone in the way I feel. Perhaps it’s to let someone else know they aren’t alone. Whatever the reason, it’s just sort of what I do. My family has been through hell and back … we need to take care of each other. Heck, you could say that about all of humanity. We need to take care of each other. That includes you taking care of yourself. Whatever that might be … I hope you find it.