Better Now

I let myself break … And it felt good. It wasn’t pretty. In fact, it was ugly. I stormed out of the house with my keys in hand, my purse and no shoes. I was suffocating and Doug was on my case.

I only got as far as the garage. I started the car, planning to back out around Doug’s car. Then I let it all go. I was safe for a second. It was quiet for a second. I cried and I screamed. I listened to the radio. I prayed.

Suddenly I felt better. I was like a tea pot letting off all the hot steam. Screaming out loud because it’s what a tea pot is supposed to do. I was screaming and crying because that’s what a grieving mom is supposed to do.

I’m not alone in this. My God is with me. Maybe closer now than he has been this last year. I often thought about how close I felt to my maker while in the hospital. I could feel his warmth. I could hear the Holy Spirit loud and clear. Then I went back to “regular” life and it was different. My faith was still strong but I didn’t see my purpose as clearly. I found it hard to find time to pray at times. In the hospital I felt held together by the Lord. His very arms holding me up. Then I was on my own. Trying to stand on my “own”. He loosened his grip ever so slightly. He knew I could stand. I just wasn’t so sure of it.

So I broken down. I did exactly what I was supposed to do. The crying and wailing and running away was healing. I walked back into the house, barefoot, and able to be mom and wife again. Broken still … But at least not bursting at the seams.

Love, Mel

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4 Comments

Filed under Grief

4 responses to “Better Now

  1. Michelle Oswald

    Mel,
    I have to tell you that you are simply amazing! I would not be able to handle even half of what you are with the grace you do. I know sometimes you may not see it, but I would guess that most of your other blog readers would agree with me. You are an amazing woman! You have no idea how much you touch my life and I’m sure I speak for others as well. Stay strong and cry and scream when you need to. We are human and were given those abilities for a reason! Thinking about you and praying everyday for you and your family. You are my inspiration!

    Psalm 147:3 – He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. NKJ

    Michelle

  2. jeanette

    Always thinking of you. May god continue to give u the strength u need. What an amazing mother and wife u are. Those times are definitely needed where u need to let it all out to feel better.

  3. Melissa

    “Broken still…but at least not bursting at the seams” Gosh I wish I didn’t understand, but I do & am so sorry for you, yet so happy that you’re working yourself through this horrible process in whatever way possible. You are doing just what YOU need to do. And Mel, between your grieving & God’s guidance…you are becoming quite the seamstress. 🙂 That’s what has to be done. Sadly, you may find that you will forever be “broken” after the tragic loss of sweet Owen but every day will become more manageable – never easier, never with complete closure – but with some sense of peace in knowing how Owen’s life, while short lived, has touched the lives of so many in countless ways. Nevertheless…it doesn’t make today & the anniversary of his death any more manageable…today. One day at a time mama. ((HUGS))

  4. jeanette

    Thinking of you today again while tomorrow marks Owen’s one year anniversary of his passing. May god give you all the strength to remember him and know he saved lives as well. God bless you all.

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