Today marks one year

Today is the day … the day that I thought I missed a few months ago.  My son died one year ago today.  I have no clue what I’m supposed to be feeling.  In fact, I sort of feel nothing.  It’s a weird sort of morning as Jaden is still sleeping and just the babies are up.  It’s raining and thunder storming.  I don’t think I feel any different.

I thought I would … feel different.  I thought I would wake up and have some kind of distinctive emotion.  But I don’t.  I feel like myself.  No closer to tears than any other day.  Still not angry with God.  It’s weird.

We’ve planned a day with our immediate family.  It was the one thing that got us through last week and what I miss the most – having our families together.  We sat like hamsters, all on top of each other, in Owen’s small hospital room.  We shared chairs, laughed together, eat together, took care of one another.  There were as many eruptions of laughs (usually from Doug and his brother making fun of Sherri, their sister) asthere were tears.  I would give anything to go back to those five days in the hospital.  So we are going to try to recreate it, just for one day.  All of us in one house, for the entire day.

I know the magic won’t quite be the same.  I know the Holy Spirit is still here, but it’s not the same.  There was something magical about room 514.  And maybe it was Owen.  He’s the missing key.  It won’t ever be the same, but Owen will never be on life support again.  I’ll never see his face again.  There won’t be someone stationed by his bedside at all times, playing with his chubby little hands and feet.  That part we cannot recreate for today.

So to sum it all up – I feel weird, my family and I are going to spend the day together, and I don’t know what I feel, so I feel weird.  I still can’t believe it’s been an entire year….

Love, Mel

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3 Comments

Filed under Grief

3 responses to “Today marks one year

  1. Thinking of you and your family today. I am so happy you have a loving and supportive family.

  2. randi

    don’t feel bad because you don’t feel anything. Let yourself grieve as you need! Enjoy the day enjoy your family! Praise god for what you have! Remember those GOOD memories. Remember he is in heaven! he’s happy and laughing with you always! don’t feel guilty for what you feel because you should feel the way you do! Allow yourself to be happy and remember happyiness the blessing of family.

  3. red

    life is full of hardships, joys and miricles. your son was a light on this earth and will all ways be a light for you. i know its hard not to have him to hold. remember the time u had with him and all the good times. there is no right way to feel. greiveing is diffent for everyone. i lost my husband a year ago. he commited suicied. i know the situations are differnt for many reasons. i cry tears for your family. i know what its like to loose. and i also know what it is to gain. i gained another child. born after he passed. focus on the good. and know i wish u all the best.

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