Ball of Stress

As much as I believe in Jesus, I am anxious about what will or will not happen. I know that feeling anxious implies I do not trust what the Lord has in plan … I’m just being honest here. I worry … A LOT. I stress about tomorrow, about what I should or shouldn’t have said, about what others think of me. I really worry that someone will just stop liking me. I find myself reading other people to decide which “Mel” to give them. Is this person safe to be the religious Mel with? Or should I just play it cool? My toes curl and my muscles clench.

I’m really trying to remind myself to relax and trust – that worrying about stuff isn’t going to solve anything. It’s gonna be what it’s gonna be. IT”S NOT WORKING!!! I’m still a ball of stress, worry and sleeplessness. I don’t know how to make the stress clam down. I don’t know how to put my worry on the shelf and not think about it for an hour. It consumes me – it takes over all my thoughts and consciousness.

I know what it’s like to want something someone else doesn’t. I know what it’s like to think about something that no one else cares about. I know what it’s like to feel utterly alone. I feel like I’m a cat – clawing at the walls – itching to get out.

I’m not sure where I’m going – where I’m supposed to go or even IF I’m supposed to go. I have no clue. All I know is that my heart races in the silence. My toes curl with anxiety. I have no clue what tomorrow holds or if tomorrow will come. Ok I’m pretty sure the sun will rise – I mean tomorrow as in the next phase in life. The new beginning each morning promises.

I hold my head up … not to miss the signs. Not to miss God place His hand on my shoulder. I hold myself up to remind myself that I am strong – even if I don’t feel like it. I give myself pep talks during the day. And most importantly (I think) I confide in a friend – a loved one. I find rest in community – in friendship – in companionship.

I don’t have answers … in fact, I don’t even think I have inspiring words to end this post with. All I have to offer tonight is to know that I’m broken along side you. I’m a ball of stress just like the next gal. You are no alone my friend … 

Love, Mel

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4 Comments

Filed under Posted by Melissa

4 responses to “Ball of Stress

  1. My favorite bible passage: Be still and know that I am God.

  2. My favorite bible passage: Be still and know that I am God.

  3. Randi

    Mel,
    I understand completely! Yesterday my nieces whom I’ve helped raise and then had custody of for the last 16 1/2 months were taken from my home. No notice no answer nothing. I’ve been praying pleading with god for the strength to overcome this and bring them home. If not they will be gone forever. Emotional roller coaster has been my life for years. The best advice I can give u is search the scriptures and get on your knees and pray your heart out! Find a grief councler someone you can talk to. Find ways to deal with the anxiety. I should take my own advice! TC u r not alone! God is with you and so r we!

  4. Hi Mel- I have downloaded some of the amazing CD’s athttp://www.healthjourneys.com/ – I especially love the voice of Bellaruth Naparstek. You can load them right to your computer via MP3 online and they are very affordable and priceless in helping calm anxiety. There are CD’s for all situations and even some for children. I hope you will try these- they helped me through a rough year. Use them EVERY day for a month if you can- you need 20 minutes of time with them- do it after the boys go to bed or before they get up- or BOTH. I will be praying for you in this hard time. God is with you always and never leaves your side. Know there are many of us praying for you too.
    Nancy K
    Let me know what you think of the CD’s. I was skeptical at first too but trust me- they will bring great peace and coping skills to you in the anxiety.

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