My Locked Box

Time and time again I hear stories of people’s dreams never coming true. They turn their wishes into prayers and beg God to make their dreams come true. Time and time again God has something else in store. After the fact, people say things like “God knew what I really needed.” Or “God had other plans.” I have no doubt that they really mean this and that God really does know what He is doing. I just really don’t want to be “taught a lesson” right now. I’d like a break from learning and would like to get a few things to go “my way.”

Call me selfish. Call me foolish or childish. Doesn’t change the fact that it’s really how I feel. It’s the honest truth. I don’t wanna do it the long, hard, or best way. I’d like to do it the quick and easy way. I want to put my instant dreams in the microwave of life – press start and in a few short minutes have a dream come true. Life isn’t made out of instant rice. If you find the life microwave … you know what to give me for my birthday.

I try to take control of this by not whispering my deepest, darkest desires. I don’t bring that stuff to prayer. I’m terrified of asking God for this in fear that he’ll have something else in plan. If I don’t say it, then maybe God won’t know how much I really want it. Please God, don’t make me wise with this one thing. Take the rest of my life and let me struggle – guide me to know what I really need or what is really best with the other stuff. But with this ONE thing … please just let me have it. Can’t we agree on something??

You’ve already allowed me to be ejected out of a car, graduate college pregnant, gave me the gift of triplets (never something I asked for by the way …), took one of my children to heaven without even asking me first and then my marriage fell apart. I’ve praised you through this all. I’ve sung your greatness and I grew to love you even more with each struggle. I know that you love me deeper than I may ever know. Just please give me this one thing … just this one tiny little dream that I’ve had since I was a little girl.

I feel this panic every time I go in prayer – Lord, I know you want me to give you this part, but I just can’t right now. I’m not letting go of this one part.

Maybe I should pray something more like this: Lord, I know you know I’m hiding something from you. You’re my creator, you know my heart. I know I should be able to trust you. But I’m scared. I’m terrified of what will happen if this is taken from me too. What if this never comes true? I have blind, skeptical faith that something bigger will fill it’s place, something I never knew I wanted. But that’s just it – I’m blind to any other possibility. I’m terrified. Calm my spirit. Encourage me to turn my fear over to you. Give me some kind of flashlight or glow stick to find my way through this darkness. For now, my desire stays deep inside, bound tight with string, locked in a box and buried. That’s all I have to give you at this very moment. I’ll keep trying.

It’s not the perfect prayer. I doubt God would be really happy to hear that I don’t trust him with this part of me. But it would be an honest prayer. I’ve got to believe that Jesus would be ok with this – he wants me to work on things with Him – not to just run and hide and never talk to him because I’m scared. So, Jesus … we can talk – but you can’t have my secret. Not yet anyway …

Love, Mel

Advertisements

3 Comments

Filed under Posted by Melissa

3 responses to “My Locked Box

  1. WOW, what a great post, you are such an intuitive writer! I have felt this way for more than half of my almost 60 years, please no more lessons God, I just can’t learn anymore!

  2. Jenn

    My husband and I had this conversation the other night. There is something career – wise that I really, really want. I applied to an awesome new position within my company and it would be something that would be really, really great for my family right now. I found out last week that I made it past the first “cut.” Which is awesome, but now I’m terrified of getting my hopes up. I try not to think about it or talk about it out of fear that I will curse my chances or get my heart broken.

    I tend to have horrible luck – in the last three weeks I’ve had to call in sick to work 4 times – once for a broken pipe, once for 3 sick kids, and twice (both on SATURDAYS) for a broken car. I’m like, “COULD I JUST GET A BREAK?!” My husband said the other day, “They say God never gives us more than we can handle… but sometimes I wish he wouldn’t have so much confidence in our abilities.”

    Isn’t that the truth.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s