For the first time in years … YEARS!!!… I look forward to being home.
When married, I dreaded coming home only to be greeted by comments of what I didn’t do correctly or to be cussed at. It wasn’t a safe place. When I moved out, while in the process of my divorce, I lived in a tiny 800 sq foot, one bath and 18″ of countertop in the kitchen, light blue house. There were spiders everywhere, barely enough room to walk around the coffee table and the garage was missing the bottom 12″ of siding so you never knew what rodent or how much rain would be there to greet you in the morning.
Each time I convinced myself that it was my home. While in Sussex, I told myself it’s where my children slept so it was home. After Owen died, it was the only place Owen knew so how could I go anywhere else? With no other options, moving to the small blue house, I told myself it was at least a happy home. The anger that intruded on my Sussex home would not be allowed in this new home. It was small but it was mine.
Home is different now. There is enough room for all of us. It has a sense of permanence. I’ve painted walls, left a mark, settled in. The anxiety is no longer there when I pull into the driveway. I no longer anticipate the stress of either an angry husband or children climbing all over the place because there is no room. It’s just relief … to be home. To settle in and relax. To be where I am supposed to be.
It’s not always perfect. After the kids have gone to sleep I am reminded that I am alone. Single. There is no other parent. I don’t have a best friend to cuddle and watch tv with. There is no one to help when one of the boys wake up with a fever. At 10:30 pm when I’ve finally gotten all of my chores done there isn’t anyone to reflect on the day with. That part I still hate.
I don’t particularly enjoy being single. I think I’m doing ok at it … Just not what I ever wanted out of life. People give me energy. Knowing that there is someone else out there invested in my kid’s happiness and sharing in the bad days is a deep comfort. When the boys do something totally silly – I laugh and take pictures, but in the depths of my heart I’m sad that there wasn’t anyone else there to enjoy the moment with me.
Part of the way I was knit together I suppose … To cherish relationships. To love people – like a real love of people. Guaranteed, if we have not met I already love you. It’s how I roll. I’ve stopped trying to fight it or to be selective of who I’d like to be around. Instead, I try to give in to God’s plan for the people in my life. Looking through glasses that remind me each person I encounter is a brilliant work of art.
It’s great to have a place I feel safe in. It’s a new feeling for me to want to stay home. I’m moving in the right direction, even if I still have no idea where I’m going!