Let me clarify something … When I said I thought I was special, I meant I thought that you thought I was special. I thought that you valued me and honored me. I believed you when you said I was different than the rest. What I didn’t take into account was the possibility that you weren’t being honest with yourself.
It’s no secret on my blog that I’ve got a few life stories and lessons in my repetuar. This isn’t my first life tragedy. Through each of these hard times I have learned over and over again that I am strong and I am worthy of love. Most of all God loves me. All I want is to love and be loved. God’s strongest and most frequent whisper to me these days is this …
Mel, love my people. They might not love you back at first, but love them. Love them not because they love you but because I love them and because they are special to Me. They are one of you … You are all my children. Love them. I made you to love them.
His whispers are clear. They leave little for interpretation.
I continue to find myself loving those who do not love me back. They have dark days of their own. They are stuck in their own tragedy and they can’t seem to get themselves out. I try to convince myself that I’m better off with some distance. I’m better off focusing on what I am doing. Yet part of me is still stuck loving those who do not, can not love back. I worry about them, I pray for them and I am always a drafting words of wisdom and advise. Outsider information from someone who has “been there, done that.”
A real part of me wishes I could just let go. I could forgot those who cross my path. But that’s not me. I already love you and there is very little you can do to change that.
With all of that … I know that I am worthy of love. I know that I deserve love. But the part that is missing is the someone who also thinks I am worthy of love. Someone who finds me fantastic – flaws and all.
To my family – I just described you. You love me, flaws and all. You find me fantastic (and sometimes obnoxious and difficult). But you love me and you are always, always there for me. You have met me in my dark place and have dragged me out. You have taught me what it feels like to be loved when I don’t deserve it. If I was given that, than surely someone else deserves the same. Those who need love the most are often those who don’t deserve it.
You might not be able to love me back, but I love you. I pray for you, I think about you. And I’m here … When you are ready to make healthy choices. I can’t help you until you are ready to help yourself. But I’ll love you until you’re ready.